[in it]

Totally trusting them again..not an easy thing. I know this experience has changed the way I emotionally invest (if I ever do) in another relationship.

That your H took something he knew to be the most hurtful (what he viewed as a weakness) ..and actually acknowledged he knew what it would to you but didn't care? That's a cruel and brutal execution of your trust.

You do not just hand it back to him. It's earned- if it is even possible.

[Songanddance]

I was abandoned by my first husband when i was 21 . He just walked away from me , a 9 month old and a 22 month old . Just was not happy. He wanted to drink, be with the boys, ride motorcycles and chase women. He was a child , not a man ready to be a father and a husband. For years i dreamt the same thing. He was tied to a chair and had to listen to me ... I "got my say" in a dream, he would not give me this in real life. Not having "your say about tour own life, your own direction, your own body ... your 50% of your marriage ( so to say)... is devastating.

This is interesting Barbie and is possibly why you are still very much in "victim/anger mode"

You were abandoned at a relatively young age for a mother. This has perpetuated your fear of abandonment that is in us all and, because the abandonment was real for you at that time - when your current H "abandoned " you it brought back the feelings from all those years ago which were never resolved.
 So when your H returns - it isn't the way it is supposed to be for you. You are someone who is abandoned - your fear has manifested again. Therefore it is not "logical" for H to return and to return full of remorse. You are the one who is the injured party here - why does he get to be remorseful?

The dream of tying your first h to a chair is also very telling. The chair sometimes symbolises rest because you are wearing yourself to the bone. Someone sitting in the chair preventing you from doing so is symbolic of your thoughts and attitudes being dismissed and making you feel unimportant and valueless.
So perhaps that dream was your emotional mind's way of feeling worthless and tired of the constant energy you had to have as a single young mother in order to survive. It was not that you had to get your say at all - you said it but it was to no-one. No-one heard you.
Therefore this is a latent buried resentment that is emerging now and is colouring your self perception and your sense of fairness.
I'm not explaining this very well but you have past issues too it seems that are preventing your healing now.

And trust - sorry going to disagree here. Trust cannot be earned like pocket money - trust is either given or its not. It is a gift. The responsibility for keeping the gift of trust is the person who broke it in the first place. If trust is given back to them then it is their responsibility to look after that gift. They must know the consequences of breaking that trust. It is then their decision to keep it.

After my brief fling 17 years ago now - I always felt I had to keep earning my H's trust. It changed me and not for the better. It turned me into a codependent who was so afraid of breaking that trust that I did very little without his say so. I did this to myself - not him.
I felt I had to keep proving I was true and loyal - I had to keep proving I was honest even 15 years later up to pre BD. I did this - not my H.

[in it]

S and D I kind of did the same thing..

I let the ex know where I was every single second and it didn't help a thing..all it did was give him more control..here is no instilling trust in someone who isn't capable of trusting.

This would have happened anyway..fling no fling..whether we were perfect..or not.

And I kind of disagree.

After a trust has been broken it would have to be somehow reestablished through a slow process ..there is no desire for me to ever want anything to do with him again..it's more about other relationships.

The anger stage is vital to feel to get through the rest of the greiving process.

[Songanddance]

After a trust has been broken it would have to be somehow reestablished through a slow process ..

Init - I actually agree with you here and I am not suggesting that the LBS should turn around and say "It's ok now you're back - I trust you again." That's not the gift - that's foolhardy.
What I mean is that trust is to be given, not made to feel that if the MLCer does well he/she can then earn a few more stars towards total trustworthiness.

I don't think I will ever be able to trust my H again - I want to but I know that it will only ever be given when I am ready to, not because he's earned it. He knows now that how he treated me was wrong and about a year ago said that his behaviour drove an invisible wedge between us and he apologised quite sincerely. Does that make sense?

It comes back to the point made on TMT's thread I think about the fact that at the moment all we do now is trust them to lie and cheat. Turning that around is as much our challenge as it the MLCers.

[in it]

I guess Stayed said it best once:

" Once you get knocked on your ass like this it doesn't happen again. And if it does? We know matter what we know we are going to be fine"

Unfortunately for me getting knocked on your ass is in the literal sense besides everything else.

Working on ourselves and our own issues helps us move forward from the devastation they feel so compelled to create.

It does make sense a sincere apology will help in most cases that don't involve physical violence....for me? There's nothing he can say to repair the damage he's done.

  I won't be trusting the son of a b!tc# again.