[MsT]

The one thing I was thinking while reading about your Hs b response to your daughter's message is that he may think and say that now, but that message will be available for him to re read and its stuck in His head and it may eventually get through, even if it takes a while.

True dat.

His contact with her this whole time has been weird, TBH. It does not track with their R prior to this crisis. I think it is him trying to soothe his own guilt, saying "look, I am still a great Dad, see? I pay for everything and D13 and I talk all the time." That is what bothered D13. She didn't want him to think that she and her sisters are all fine, because they are not.

So if that's how it is, she not only feels better, but she took away the peace of mind he was trying to get from her even though he doesn't deserve it.
Truth be told, I think she turned a corner after. She's been standing up straighter and more optimistic and getting some fun and smiles back in her the last few days.

[Blindsided13]

My S is 12. It has been 17 months since BD, he has told his dad he misses him and the standard response has always been "I know buddy, but it has to be this way." S asked why, response "because it has to." What is different about this time, is S came home told me and said, he had a really nice life, all he gives me are non-answers. So he is starting to at least tell his dad how he feels, he is starting to recognize his dad can't give an answer, for whatever reason. He is starting to accept the relationship for what it is now, superficial at best.

I asked him what did he expect, did he want his Dad to say I miss you too buddy let's spend more time together? He said no, he wanted his Dad to come home. It was hard telling him that isn't going to happen. It makes me mad that I am put in the position to answer when he ask why. I told him Dad started another life and family with someone else, and he is no longer part of mine. I think TMT put it best, my heart still loves H, my brain says run like your a$$ is on fire!

[lazo]

I'm willing to bear H's "blame" as long as my D feels better.  I've told her it's up to her and in her own time.  I'll let you know how it plays out.

I agree that it's essential that both the kids learn how to deal so they don't end up like H.  S is currently repressing a lot, I think. 

[HopeFaithLove]

I'm not sure what is going on with my H lately. He is actually making an honest attempt to spend more time with S. today he asked D if she wanted to go to Florida with him next month when he goes on a work trip. She said she couldn't go though because its a week before school ends and she will have finals. I just don't know what to make of it. He is going to the place that was our family favorite vacation spot. It made me sad that he asked her, because we should be going as a family. I didn't tell her that it made me sad.

[MsT]

I know I posted this on my thread, but I thought I'd mention it here, too.

D13 had sent her dad a message telling him how she feels about all this and got a reply that 'it's all your mom's fault.' She was mad about that (she's pretty bright, she knows that is crap) and at first she thought about just not responding. After a few days, though, she decided she would, so she sent him a text that said "bullsht," and under normal circumstances she uses polite language at home and around grown-ups (I know her and her friends get a little foul mouthed when they're together, but it is peer appropriate so I let it slide) but in this case I didn't say anything about her choice of language when she told me. I was actually kind of proud, because she nailed it as far as replies go.

His interaction with her this whole time has been off. Nicey-nicey, not mad she lost her phone, all kinds of extra "I love yous" "your a good kid," and it was making her feel worse than I realized I think. I guess I figured it would make her happy since it was nice, but it more made her uncomfortable because it was off.

So now he's not talking to her, she's told him plainly how she feels, and she seems tons better. We've all had a great few days with the nice weather and family GAL, which she usually mopes through because of her age.

My overanalysis of this: his nicey-nicey texting with her was a way to ease his conscious, to tell himself we were all fine and everything would be fine. Now he has to say bye-bye to his little fantasy that everything will be fine.

And my daughter is learning to stand up for herself and tell people how she feels, and it made her feel good to do it.

I don't know if this will help with anyone else's kids, but it's something to think about if the situation comes up.
 

[Blindsided13]

MsT,
this weekend my S12, text his Dad that he hated him for abandoning him, of course H text back I love you, sometimes our lives don't turn out the way we expect but we must do our best, S called him out on that too, saying you always give me a none answer, from there it went to "once things are settled, then all will be made clear", S told him "you should be ashamed of yourself, we both know what you did and it was wrong." That ended the texting, next day, H text the kids seeing who wanted to go for a hike, like nothing happened, S said they did not talk, and he is afraid to confront his father in person. Baby steps, but I am glad your daughter is starting to stand up for herself. There comes a time where they have to call bull$h!te, because well, it IS bull$h!te.

[Picton]

My D13 is always riding her dads a$$ about what he did and continues to do to them.
From what I have observed, the interaction between D and H is very similar to how D and her friends interact. I think our teenagers, on some level, "get" how to deal with the MLCers because they emotionally are at the same stage. They fight like teenagers do - yell, scream, swear etc. all respect seems to go out the window when they are having an argument.
My D is so embarrassed about how her dad looks (in his mission to reclaim his youth he has morphed into an Italian Porn Star) oh the same of it for D.
At times it is like having two teenagers in the family. Time to baton down the doors and ride this storm out.

Kia Kaha - Stay Strong

[living with Hope]

My Husband avoids all the hard conversations too. My one son has asked the hard questions and he either doesn't answer, deflects or just throws it on me with no real explanation.  The first year the counsellor worked with him to have a talk with the children.  The counsellor told me to tell the children he was going to so they were not shocked by it.  My kids said they would believe it when they saw it.  It never happened.  We wasted I don't know how much money on him working with the counsellor on how to approach it, what he needed to address and all that.

I swear my teenage sons are better at dealing with issues at hand and not running or avoiding or acting like it didn't happen.

[Blindsided13]

I'm glad I am not the only one with an MCLer who act as if nothing happened. The kids actually make jokes about when H tells them about the baby. My D says well when he is 13 he can join fb, and I will find him and friend him there. Wonder how Dad is going to explain that?

[MsT]

Haha, bs13, I like your D's response
Picton, I feel the same. First time with a teenager and lucky me! I get two for one.

D13 hasn't heard from her Dad since she told him how she feels about all this, and she still seems better. More spring in her step, hasn't come to my room asking for melatonin late at night, less of the anxious leg tapping thing.

I don't know what the crap they're thinking- that they'll just walk out of their kid's lives hollering "sorry, had to cause your mom's a btch," and still be welcomed with open arms like when we were all a family? Is he really dumb enough to think that being a good parent is as easy as throwing blank checks around? Does he really think they're going to buy some crap that he "had to leave" because their mother, who's volunteered at every school they've ever gone to, coached their soccer teams, plays with and feeds the whole neighborhood full of their friends, drives them all GD over town, takes them fruit picking, teaches them to shave their legs and what to do about periods and boyfriends, holds them until the tylenol kicks in when they have a fever or rubs their little legs at 3 am when they have growing pains, makes the best birthday cakes in town, always makes sure they have glow stick bracelets for sleepovers, and has been there every GD day of their lives no matter what they needed is "too hard to live with?"
They are children, not idiots.
Oops, kind of got ranty there, sorry