[MsT]

Hi, I am starting this topic because my 13 year old daughter came to me the other day and told me she'd composed a 5 msg long text to her dad, telling him how she feels. She hadn't sent it yet, because it was bedtime when she finished and I was calling for her phone (I take her phone and tablet at night.) She wanted to know if I thought she should send it.

I have no idea, really. I think she would feel better if she told him how she felt in a way. But am also worried that she has a secret hope that it will get him home, and that he will not react the way she expects and she will feel crushed. This happened once shortly after he stopped sleeping here, she asked him if he was coming home and thought he would say yes, but instead he said he didn't know and she got very upset.

She is supposed to address the issue with her counselor next week, but she asked me about it again today, and I told her the same thing I told her the other day: that it was going to have to be her decision, but that she needs to think about it good and hard first to make sure she really wants to.

Does anyone have any thoughts on or experience with this? Thanks in advance.

[HopeFaithLove]

Good question MsT. I don't have any answer. Hopefully someone else will. I would lean toward letting her give him the message if that is what will make her feel better. But unfortunately you can't control how the crazy eyes will respond. Maybe if you prepare her for what might happen and that she might not get a favorable response or it might take time for her letter to affect him being that he's going through mlc. I often wish that my children would tell H how they really feel, because he doesn't believe it when it comes from me. But my daughter did tell him once and it didn't make any difference at the time. She actually told him, you chose her over me, and you know what he said. "I try to stay away from her and I can't". So her letter may not make any difference to him either.

[patience.of.a.saint]

With my exH, the kids were very young, 5 & 2, so they did not really have to go through so much. I was a stay at home mom so I was the center of their world at the time. I started my own business so I could continue to stay home with them and so they pretty much grew up not knowing what life with a dad is like. So they have never asked if he would come back. They don't ask to call him or go stay with him either. I don't think they know anymore to miss him. It's his loss. I've made up for it the best I can and they have my dad & brothers as good male role models.

He's still in MLC 10yrs later, but he seems to be aware that he has been in MLC & is possibly on the way out of the tunnel. I asked him how he figured it out and he said D12 asked him why he kept dying his hair red. He said he looked in the mirror that day and decided he did look ridiculous and has not dyed it ever since. It was after that when he decided to quit pretending he was a bar manager who worked 70hr weeks and he went back to banking. So, I suppose a well timed innocent question can change things up. I would say he was at about year 8 when she asked him that.

With my current MLCer, his S19 would like to say something, but is too scared to say anything so he just stays out of his way.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I don't think that it will make a difference. He just can't see her right now. They're all so self-absorbed and blind to anything other than their own immediate needs. The real question is, what does she really want to accomplish with the letter? Find that out, and then do what you feel is best. If her motivation is to just get it out, that's one thing. If it's to see if he cares, that's another. Find out, and talk to her about it. That way, she can make the right decision for her.

[bookwrmmom]

If they are in active replay, and are still bat$hit crazy it will likely do no good. HOWEVER that does not mean out children who are old enough should not express their feelings. Teenagers that want to tell the MLCer how they feel should (IMHO). However that being said we have to be very firm with them that their may be backlash, and to not expect a change in the behavior. They should EXPECT they MLC parent to be the "victim" and if they get any remorse.......then that will be an unexpected bonus.

Just my .02 cents as the parent of a older teen who has been devastated by this.

[MsT]

Thanks for replies. I did ask her what her motivation was and she said she just wants him to know she thinks this sucks, but I don't think that's the whole story.
I really don't want to be facilitating his relationships with the kids in any way, I have enough to do taking care of their everything else all the time.
I also tried to make it clear to her that I will talk it through with her, but I won't decide for her because I can't stay objective in this situation at this time and that I really think she should wait and talk it through with her counselor.

[Airmid]

T -
I dont have kids but I think it would be a bad idea for her to send the text to him prior to her discussing it with the counselor.

I look at how I can't keep my own expectations down - and the heartache it causes when I don't get the responses I want.
If an adult can't do it - think of your daughter - she will be crushed.

Just my two cents

Air

[kikki]

Realising how much was swept under the carpet in my MLCer's FOO, I would encourage your daughter to let her Dad know how she feels. 
Sometimes we have to speak, no matter what the response is.  We do it for our own wellbeing and sanity.
As he his a man in crisis, it will barely hit the walls of his conscience, even if he says all of the right things in the moment.  He may also get very defensive.  Your daughter needs to be prepared for all eventualities. Our children can't control these MLCers any more than we can, and they need to understand that too for their own sanity.

Our boys were 12, 14 and 15 at BD, and their Dad has been a clinger, which has made things very tough.  They have all told him how they felt (usually via email or text) a few times each. (mainly because he was trying to shove the OW into their lives constantly).
Yes, at first they naturally thought it would bring him home.
Their Dad promised them the earth - that the OW was on the way out, that she was moving to another country, and yes, they did break up for a few days until the OW fabricated a 'break in' at her house and had to move in with my MLCer so he could 'save' her.

The boys discussed their frustration at talking to the breeze with their counsellor, and with me. 
Five years down the track, they have given up on him.
But I firmly believe that they did the right thing in speaking up.

They came to the conclusion that like an addict, unless their Dad was willing to make changes and get help, he was going to continue in the new life that he has chosen.

It breaks my heart, but I still believe it would have been worse if they were wondering if speaking up might have changed things, and they had always been too scared to do so.

[Picton]

My D13 throws a truth dart my xp's way every now and then. She does seem to be the only one, at this stage, that gets through to him. But it doesn't change his behaviour just makes him sit back and think for a bit. But his needs are always stronger than the kids.

Xp has been on a big drinking binge this past couple of weeks and D13 has really taken the brunt of this anger. He Monsters at her when I reduce contact.

If your D has been asking repeatedly to send the txts I would let her - just make sure that she is prepared for any response (including no response) from him.

It is such a mind field trying to work out the best way to deal with all this craziness.

Kia Kaha - Stay Strong

[living with Hope]

My children's truth darts did hit their marks. It didn't change anything. He still continued on his path. How do I know they hit - well I would bear the brunt of it. His shame, guilt would come back at me. He would blame me.

It was the silence though I think that was hitting him more.  My kids did not ask him for Christmas, they did not wish him Happy Birthday.  He was no longer in contact with me so I am not sure who he had to blame. Maybe still me.    I do know  that he commented to the one child shortly after his birthday about how hurt he has been by their actions or lack of.

I was told by our counsellor to allow my children to own their relationship with their Father. (and for him to do the same) as I kept trying to keep them linked together in some shape or form. Be there for your child if they need you but to let them figure it out.  I think part of letting them figure it out is her telling him how she feels. 

You did good by respecting her and reading it and saying for her to think it through first.    this way she is still in control of her emotions, her feelings and you are there with her if she needs you.