[MsT]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. It did come up again today and she has for now made the decision that she would like to tell him. She also told me that she thinks he knows she's kind of mad, because of some text exchange they had the other day. I try very hard not to ask her for details about these things.
I also tried to explain about having no expectations, and also tried to explain that she needs to be prepared that he might respond with anger or, more likely, not respond at all and that if either of those things happens she needs to not take it personally.
She'll be seeing her counselor either tomorrow or Wednesday and will go over it there.
I really wish this wasn't an issue in her life right now, being 13 sucks enough.

[HopeFaithLove]

Yes it sucks to be 13. I wouldn't want to do it again. My S is 16and is having problems with a particular girl and I had to breakdown an call idiot H to com talk to him because I just couldn't comfort him. H did a good job, I stayed in the room because I didn't completely trust him to say what was right. But he did and he got tears in his eyes for our sons pain. The real him I guess kind of broke through for a moment. It makes me mad because he should be here every day for them. I shouldn't have to call him if I can't handle something. Poor kids, they didn't deserve this BS. All we can do is make sure we are always there for them even though their dads weren't.

[lazo]

My D13 and S10 will begin seeing therapists next week. S has been having "suicidal thoughts". Do you tell the therapist about the MLC? The kids started having problems after BD2 in particular.

[HopeFaithLove]

I'm no therapist but I'm a nurse and I know in order to help someone you need the whole picture. I would think it would be very important for the therapist to know because of the inconsistent and unpredictable behavior of an MLCer. Maybe you could give the therapist a heads up privately on the phone prior to your visit and then the visit can be all about your S and not the crazy dude causing all the havoc. Is he coming with by the way, your H? Does he know, care? He should be going too. Jerks! Sorry hate when kids get hurt!

[Head.Held.High]

My S11 and I are headed to almost 3 year mark of this rollercoaster ride.  So he was 8 when his dad bd and rode off into the sunset with the OW.  I've had my son in counseling for about 1 1/2 years now due to low self esteem and grades going down.  C knows he's MLC.  She has talked with S about his feelings for H and such.  She told me that he should be able to tell H how he feels, regardless.  So I've told him that if he wants to write a letter, text, or talk on phone I'd be there to support him.  S took opportunity in person and told H that he didn't think he was a good dad, husband or friend.  That people that love you don't just up and leave you.  Well H didn't like it one bit, but he took it like a champ.  Then went riding off into the sunset with OW again.  This reoccurred several times. 

Now S doesn't even talk to H.  Refers to him by his name.  If H shows up to anything he'll ask me What's H's given name doing here?  Trying to weasel back in?

I believe that my son has been disappointed too many times that he, like me, doesn't give it much thought anymore.  He thinks his dad is a lying, cheating, sneaky snake.  And you know what?  That's his perception and feeling and he's entitled to it.

Will it make a difference if D gives the letter or text?  Never know.  But just like one said, depending on what she looks to gain from it.  We all hope they do have some remorse and empathy, at least for their children, but some of the saddest stories I've read about on here involve a vanisher who never looks back, so who knows?

I think she should talk with C about it and just get a little more ammunition to protect herself from what he may or may not say.

Good Luck T.  Have a good Evening.

[MsT]

My D13 and S10 will begin seeing therapists next week. S has been having "suicidal thoughts". Do you tell the therapist about the MLC? The kids started having problems after BD2 in particular.

I did, I mentioned it on the phone when I set up the intake and then we discussed it more at length during the intake. The lady is a youth counselor and I don't think she quite understands, but she def. understood that he has had a psychological break and that it's very stressful for everyone.

[lazo]

D13 met with a therapist on Monday; S10 met with the same therapist on Wednesday.  At the beginning of each session, the therapist asked for my input/observations (with each child in the room). I openly and concisely explained at the beginning of D's session that H had an affair, he's in MLC, we're "working on things". D told me after the session that she told the therapist that she doesn't trust H. She doesn't believe that when he leaves to "go on a bike ride/work out" that he isn't with OW. The therapist told D that she needs to tell her dad that.  I told D that I struggle with that trust, too.  I reminded her that broken trust has to be re-earned and that her dad hasn't really put much effort into that.  Since I don't know how much the therapist knows about MLC, I did caution D that when she told him, she couldn't have any expectations. Truth is, we don't have any idea how he'll react. I did tell her that a potentially negative reaction doesn't mean her feelings aren't valid or that they shouldn't be expressed.

I don't know if this helps anyone, but I wanted to share our experience.

[MsT]

Hi, Lazo, my daughter struggled with her decision to tell her Dad how she's feels about all this for a few weeks. Her counselor also thought it was important. She finally decided she was ready and understood that she may not like the way he reacted. So she did and his response was "blame me if you want, but this is all you mom's fault."
She was worried that she might make things worse, and I told her that it was important that she learn how to communicate her feelings so she doesn't grow up and go nuts and abandon her family or something.
The fact of the matter is, his response made her a little mad, but over all, she feels a lot better after telling him how she feels.

Thanks for sharing your experience, this is the worst thing for me about all this, that children are collateral damage.

[HopeFaithLove]

The one thing I was thinking while reading about your Hs b response to your daughter's message is that he may think and say that now, but that message will be available for him to re read and its stuck in His head and it may eventually get through, even if it takes a while.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

MsT, it's good to hear that D13 feels better after telling her dad how she feels and that she was able to handle his reaction. Another step on the road to recovery.