[Songanddance]

Well I guess I have a boomerang - tells me hie is "gone and doesn't think he's coming back" yet wants to stay every weekend (Friday to Sunday) and once in the week as well.  When he is here he cooks, does some chores and even has long baths . Twice now he has also invited friends (mine) over for dinner !!!! To me it's like he is verbalising running away but his actions betray him. SC

That's definitely clinging boomerang.

Be wary of thinking that running away is just physical - it is always emotional in MLC depression. It also sounds like rapid cycling which is a clear indication of a CB.

[Lifes A Dance]

I believe my H is a boomerang with the occasional hint of clinging.  We have two sons (21 & 17), so we don't have to deal with arranging pick-ups and drop-offs as S21 is independent living on his own and S17 lives with me full-time but has his own vehicle to get around with.

H initiates contact with me everyday M-F while at work and OW is not around.  Weekends on the other hand are hit and miss with contact.  His contact is usually through text and almost always something unimportant such as asking how my day was/is going.  If/when he does contact me on the weekend it's usually just to ask what's going on that day, or what my plans are.  Although, when I responded he usually never takes the conversation any further and doesn't make any attempt to suggest that we get together to do anything.

Occasionally I will get the "clingy" text.  For example, earlier this week his first contact for the day was, "sometimes I wonder, was I really that bad I just don't know".  I saw this as clingy in that he was looking for reassurance from me as to how I felt he was as a husband. 

We have attended MC together once and the counselor suggested that we have "pleasurable contact" with each once/wk if not every other week.  By pleasurable contact she means doing something together, without the kids, that is active and fun (i.e. a concert, bowling, fishing).  The idea is to spend that time together living in the moment, not talking about us and not talking about the kids, but only talking about what we are doing at that very moment (living in the moment).  This will be interesting to see how it plays out since us doing anything together would mean he will have to be away from OW with whom he is currently living with (at her place).

I guess I don't understand the boomerang behavior particularly when H is living with OW and spends all of his time with her.  He has not stepped foot back in our house since he left 2/1/15, and we have only had face-to-face contact about 7 times (3x at S17's sporting events, 2x to talk at the park, 1x for family counseling after S17 ran away, and 1x for MC).

At what point does it become cake eating?  I guess I don't feel like it has so far since he really doesn't benefit from anything I am doing (other than me paying the auto insurance and cell phone bill- both of which he are still on).  Could it be considered cake-eating in that he wants to boomerang by making sure I am still there and responsive to his contact?  Or would that be more considered him looking for his anchor/lighthouse?  It's all just so confusing..

[Thunder]

Lifes A Dance,

From what Heart Blessings said...if there is a present ow and H is still contacting you on a regular basis that is cake eating.  He thinks he can have you both in his life.
They are not making a choice.

I believe this is where you tell them...as long as you are seeing or living with ow there will be no contact from me.  You take yourself out of being an option.

[Lifes A Dance]

Thunder,

I do understand what you're saying about OW still being in the picture and H continuing to contact me.

I also find myself questioning if that is in part because BD was so recent (2/1/15).  Considering that BD was so recent is now a "safe" time to go NC or could that make things worse given that he is still so confused about things?

I have also honestly wondered if this may be a case of Walk Away Spouse as opposed to MLC.  While he does show signs of MLC, I also see some similarities with WAS.  How can I tell what I'm dealing with here?

H has attended MC with me, and even agreed to (and scheduled) an IC follow-up appt.  Could it be that he is still trying to process everything and trying to figure out what it is that he thinks he wants (our marriage or a new life)?

[Thunder]

LaD,

You're right.  I didn't realize you were so early into this.  I apologize.

No, it is not a good thing to go nc in the beginning (so they say).  They are still processing.
I guess in your case I would just go dim.  I wouldn't contact him, let him do that.  If he texts you or emails just have short, polite answers.

Treating him friendly and light is better than nc at this point.

The only thing is he has an ow so you do have reason to be cautious.  No relationship talks with him and no mentioning the ow.  don't give her any power over you.  She is nothing.  Treat her that way.

It will take you awhile to find the right balance.  You will cycle back and forth but keep reading.
Goodness when I was where you are right now I was still such a mess.  You are doing better than you think.

[Lifes A Dance]

H initiated contact again today.  Below is the link to my thread (hopefully it works...lol).  I will pull this convo back over there so as not to get too off topic in this thread.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6479.10

[Afrodite]

What is my H? He says that he wants to have no contact with me, but if I go a while day without contact, he always makes contact. He has also asked others to send me texts and ask about how I am feeling. He uses his sister to find out how I am, because in the past, the kids always told me and that gave me obvious hope.

Today, he has written kossa of texts about me buying an apartment. I have told him nothing, but he has found out which apartment and is keeping up with the bidding and asking if I am the highest bidder with smileys, etc...

I answer shortly. He sends long messages when it is about business. Now, he almost never contacts his children. He even ignored their calls and texts. For some reason, he acted really stressed when I should leave my youngest daughter with him to drop her off to meet some friends. He went outside to answer the phone, and to keep me from dropping my daughter outside of the alienstors house where his car was parked, he drove to meet me hallway, calling my daughter to find out exactly where we were. He then only took his daughter half way, making her take the bus, because he was really stressed and did not have time.

He cannot stand contact when he is with the alienator and even acts scared about it, like something bad is going to happen. It almost seemed that he wasn't supposed to be gone when he dropped his daughter off. So he makes all kinds of contact via text and e-mail, and when the alienator is busy, but acts scared to contact at other times. When she is present and he talks on the phone with me, he is really mean.

[Jaybeecee]

I definitely have a boomerang.  I think he might even be a clinging boomerang except that he sleeps nights at his friends house.  There has been exactly one day ever I didn't talk to him at all.  Mostly he calls me 3-4 times a day.  Typically on the pretense of the kids. 

Prior to MLC, he would call 4-6 times a day.  He will monster if I don't answer and again this was typical before MLC.

I can tell when he breaks up with OW (a weekly occurance) because then he will text me.  Otherwise he avoids text because she looks through his phone and iPad.   

He still naps at our house when I'm not there.   Most of his belongings are still there.  He can't bring himself to commit to an apartment for a year.

As for me, I never call unless it really is about the kids.  I GAL like crazy.  I no longer try to offer any advise to him.  Just keep everything short and sweet.  It really seems to be confusing him.  He keeps saying "Not that you care, but..."