[Trustandlove]

I really can see that my H is also trying to live the life that "could have been", had we not had children, or perhaps if the children didn't really need us.....  the more I see of the situation (which, admittedly, isn't much) the more that becomes apparent. 

I never used to think that he was trying to find another me, but it seems that that is happening as well.  And seeing that just takes time. 

[Songanddance]

My H actually told me that the OW reminds him of me in the early days. She has the same interests as me but is married and has 2 "dysfunctional" (his words not mine) children plus is still living at home with her H!!!
Not quite sure how that reminds him of the early days.
My CB is still living at home - but sees her quite a lot. He is definitely Knight to her damsel.... So at the mo I am just paving the way and alternating between dim and dark but feel that I need to set a boundary some time soon - once I have picked up enough courage to do so.
Not prepared to kick him out as he has to choose to leave as I have said to him that if she means that much to him then he should just go and do it quickly. That was 6 weeks ago......
Since then I've been working on me and he's noticed......
Still very early days but dread the thought of him being a CB but living with OW - couldn't do that - too painful to contemplate.

[Niek]

I don't really understand how the OW represents a fantasy life. As I understand most of the OP have personality disorders. And someone in MLC is very very negative and IMO the OP must be someone as negative as they are. My H told me he has daily fights over there. That doesn't sound like a fantasy life. Moreover I have always read that people with Foo issues but who are unaware about them (f.e. emotional abuse), will always look for a secure relationship in the first place. Someone who doesn't remind them about their trauma's. But their trauma will never be resolved that way, so later in life they almost unconsciously will look for someone who reminds them of this trauma so they can sort it out. And in my case my H almost literally picked her from the streets, yelling at me that he was now with a complete stranger and that this was all my fault. Yes right.

Anyway, I think this theory explains also why my H told me several times that he didn't want to do this, that he didn't want to change anything but that he HAD to in order to survive.

In my case the OW is really really really an affair down. In every aspect. I think she is a borderliner or in MLC herself. I don't think that is much fun. And I think we as a family had a very fun life, doing a lot of things together, with and without our children. And now? The only trips abroad are when he is going to play golf with his business relations.

[Trustandlove]

It is true that every case is different, in my case I do believe the OW represents a fantasy life, a life without responsibilities.  The things that have stood out for me is that my H said, about 6 months after leaving, that what he liked about living away was that he could just do whatever he wanted to after work and so on. 

I think the first few OWs blew up because they didn't buy into that, but in truth I really don't know. 

H wanted that "in love" feeling that he had with me, he even said that one of the OWs gave him that.  And that one he finished with because he didn't have that.  I have no idea about the current one. 

A couple of years ago he also said that he didn't want to go back to having to budget carefully -- i.e. have responsibility.  He still just wanted to be able to life "free and easy".  Perhaps current OW is OK with that, perhaps she just likes that he has an expensive car and takes her to expensive restaurants.  Who knows.  She has children, but they are away at schools, so not around on a daily basis.  I don't know what the arrangements are.   

So no responsibility, just "whatever he wants to do".  It's not the OW herself as a person, it's what she represents. 

[Songanddance]

Oh Trustandlove - that helps me a bit although I am a little worried now.
My H is still at home but sees OW quite a bit (and is probably doing so as I write)
He has been spending money out of his business account like no tomorrow and our bookkeeper has said there are no receipts against the expenditure.  OW is supposedly financially independent but how come she still has to work??
However H has said that he is in love with her and she with him..
She is definitely affair down (married with children and very twisted past)
Difficult to understand how this could last - especially when his money runs out. Good job I have my own income which he cannot touch!
 

[Trustandlove]

Songanddance, of course it can't last.  If it's all based on the infatuation "high", as well as her being so messed up, there really isn't any way.  Not for my H either, actually. 

[Songanddance]

Trustandlove,
I know that it cannot last  deep down inside my gut - doesn't help the pain though does it and I am such an impatient person. Fortunately, thank God, I found this site and all the articles because I am becoming the most patient and calm person I know.
Just want him to stop thinking that OW is the panacea to his pain - patience, patience patience...........

[Shatteredandalonenow]

I don't post very often but felt compelled to comment on this. My sitch is different to a lot on here in that we weren't married and don't have children. My WS never wanted children and I tbh was happy to go along with that. MLC in my mind is not just something that "happens" to married men (or women) with children but to anyone who finds themselves faced with feelings of unhappiness (because of depression or whatever reason) they look at their lives to see why and often reach the conclusion that its their whole life that wrong and the cause of their unhappiness. So they want the complete opposite of what they have - mine had the life of Riley and has swopped it for a life back in his home town, living with his mum, in his old bedroom, trying to recreate the life he had when he was 20.

WS was quite lucid after BD and told me that it was little things at first, but it was never about me, he the started to resent me because I was happy and had everything and he felt like he had nothing. He didnt know who he was or what he wanted. Except he wanted to be free to live his life like he had at 20 when he was the centre of everyone's world and got invited to everything. In his mind he couldn't rekindle old friendships, play golf or whatever and be with me. He couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge that he was responsible for letting those friendships lapse. That was apparently my fault.

His OW is a married mother of 2 small boys who he had a few dates with before he met me. She is the polar opposite of me in every way. His life now, or what bit I know of it, is the polar opposite of our life. He is truly unrecognisable to me as the person I was with for nearly 15 years.

Point is though its the total OPPOSITE of what he had and the total oposite of what many of your H or W have run too. Because in my mind its not just about regression its about running to the fantasy world they had been constructing in their twisted messed up minds and they believe that doing that will "cure" their confusion, depression, unhappiness, whatever.

I guess the point I'm trying to make in a rather convoluted way, is that we shouldn't beat ourselves up thinking they are having a wonderful time being free being with someone younger or whatever, it not about that its about them trying to make the fantasy a reality. As we all know in most cases fantasy rarely stays that 

As trustandlove said its not about OW its about what they represent.

Hugs to all

Xx

[Songanddance]

Ok - I have bought, read and re-read RCR's brilliant articles on Clinging boomerang and know that my H is one. But am bit confused as to what boundary I should now set as CB's are supposed to get them a bit earlier. 
It is nearly three months after bomb drop - he lives at home, carries out all the tasks he should with relative calm and I only get a bit of monster. He said recently that I had given him space which he appreciated and he also thanked me for not talking about the R.  I now understand going dark and am starting to do so but now he has disappeared off for the weekend again probably with OW, I have had enough of this really. I was not surprised especially when he had fixed lots around the house yesterday. I think I am enabling cake eating.
I have a good life apart from him and am busy so able to detach sooner than I thought.
He's just sent me a text telling me that he's staying away overnight. I haven't replied and don't intend to. So do I need to tell him on his return that he cannot have me whilst he sees her so limited contact is the order of the day?  I did write that he couldn't have us both in a letter a few weeks ago. Is it too much too soon to say it again? Or should I just go very dark and let him stew?

[OldPilot]

bump