[stayed]

Honestly, I have no idea.  Hopefully Rollercoaster or DGU will jump in here and explain the difference or OP maybe. 

I think they are just selfish and self serving.  They want to keep one foot in the door and at the same time, be SEEN as good, responsible people.  Who are honoring their familial obligations.  Look at me, look at me... see what a great person I STILL am.

Hugs Stayed

[Rollercoasterider]

Does anyone have any idea of "why" they boomerang?

Is it just hard for them to fully let go?

Is it just about the kids and making sure they get them to 18 so they can say that they raised the kid?

Lately my Boomerang seems to make it only about the kids. Like a few of you have commented about your B's not giving any affection, attention, or any indication that they even like you....I feel that as well. Sometimes I feel like he does try to be friendly and be more like a friend, but then I think...I don't need friends like this.

It's a combination of those things and may vary with each individual.
MLCers are resistant to change--I know what an irony. They don't really want things to change which is why they are so upset. They are upset at how things have already changed--up to their MLC--and more afraid of how things will continue to change. So their solution is to regress, returning to a period of greater comfort and security--the place where they wish things had not changed from. To do this they may find an alienator. Sure, technically that is a change, but that person represents life how it was or how it could have been in their ideal fantasy.

But since MLCers literally don't like change, they are still hesitant to step away from their real world completely. What if it goes away and when they look back nothing is there? There is a comfort and security in the routine of being in the house--home--where their family lives. An MLCer may not have the energy for high-level interactions, so they just sort of sit there on the couch doing nothing, or they keep themselves busy doing chores, but they are still home. Home is the place of hearts and hanging hats and there may be an unrealized physiological response of calming when home.

And many do want to keep up their duties. They don't want to be the bad guy in all this--and to that we sort of have a huh or shocked face    because they are living with someone else and yet still think this will keep them from being the bad guy or it will balance out or erase the negatives. Positives don't erase negatives. If you go shoot and kill someone and then spend the rest of your life as a volunteer doing good works the person you killed is still dead. The irony of the MLCer is that they are doing both simultaneously; it's sort of like they have a baseball bat in one hand and they are hitting you with it and the law mower in the other and they are mowing--while hitting you. And they are complaining or yelling about how you should be appreciative and give them credit for maintaining the lawn.

CrazyJourney,
My question for you is after this long, why are you still allowing him such access? In the beginning this is important for Paving the Way and being an attractive force, practicing interactions, enticing him with the comfort of home... but now you are at a point when he needs boundaries. He's living with someone else and has free reign at your home? Why? He should not have access at all and he should be told why. Now I haven't looked over your situation, so I'm only going off of what you posted here about his access and that you've been doing this for 4 years, so I am asking as a generalization regarding your context.

[CrazyStupidLove]

Wow, you have hit that nail right on the head RCR.  My MLCer has always tried to make me feel like I should be grateful and appreciative for what he is doing for the house and the time he spends here and the bills he pays etc...all the while living with and having relationship with OW.

I think you were probably meaning that last paragraph for me instead of CrazyJourney, or are we both dealing with same issues after 4 years? (I'll have to go back and read her thread).

I will answer why I have "put up with allowing him access to the house"....
My MLCer is VERY controlling. When I have asked him to knock in the past, he agrees to it and then within days is back to letting himself in with a key. Or he will knock and then 2 seconds later..enter. I suppose for the most part, I have dealt with it because he exhausts me. He is worse than a 3 year old that doesn't listen.

Then on the other hand, I think I wanted to attract him back to the home in a way. I had read a lot about making yourself and the home attractive by good smells (ie; cookies baking, food cooking, his favorite perfume, clean home smells) and also making other aspects of the home desirable and essentially making it "home." So in order to do that, I had to let him come over, hang out...get a good idea of what he could be missing if he was not allowed in the home. At some point, I had planned on setting a boundary to where he was now allowed access to the home anymore, after he had a good long taste of what home was about. I guess I just hadn't gotten mad enough at him to fully put the boundary in place. Well that, and "you get more bee's with honey" kept going through my mind because in my situation it is VERY true. The more I was easy to deal with and let him go through that revolving door, the easier my life has been in dealing with him and the financial situation. Once I put up boundaries, he likes to take things away from me or make my life harder (a good example is when he shut our checking account down without telling me. Little did I know that banks only require one person to close an account).

So before I make this a huge long read, lol...I am ready to start setting those boundaries. I know I will get monstered at. I'm not so sure I'm ready to deal with Monster...but there really is no other choice at this point. I either tell him that he has to stay out of the house or I will end up having to move out.

[toughtimes]

CSL I am one year in to this and my H comes once a week to look after the children and has them every other weekend. He was staying two night but since we told the kids I felt it was confusing for them. It is also very difficult for me. waiting for him to come home late Monday nights and hearing him moving around upstairs and texting OW. My H sounds very like yours. If I stand up for myself he doesn't like it and monsters. But I have been feeling like enough is enough and I have been sitting down and thinking what do I really need from this situation right now to ensure I feel okay and able to look after our children?

But since MLCers literally don't like change, they are still hesitant to step away from their real world completely. What if it goes away and when they look back nothing is there? There is a comfort and security in the routine of being in the house--home--where their family lives. An MLCer may not have the energy for high-level interactions, so they just sort of sit there on the couch doing nothing, or they keep themselves busy doing chores, but they are still home. Home is the place of hearts and hanging hats and there may be an unrealized physiological response of calming when home.

My H has said for years "I'm changing, you're not letting me change. You don't want me to change. You are trying to hold me back." Is this projection? Is it actually him who is resisting change? If he doesn't like change then why change everything in his life?

My H doesn't seem to feel calm and comfortable at our house, although he did used to sit around on the sofa falling asleep etc. Since I put in the boundary that he cannot stay except one night a week, and he cannot keep hold of a key he flits in and out if he can. It's odd. I thought I was paving the way and didn't want him to feel I was kicking him out but it just seemed to be cake eating .... on the one hand he wants to live with ow, a divorce and a financial settlement, on the other he wants to come and stay at our house twice a week because it is convenient for him to see the children. I don't know if I have done the right thing, but we need to get used to him living somewhere else.

I am sure my H feels 'kicked out' ... I started packing his stuff up as we need the space for our sons room. He was angry, said he wanted to do that with our son and then move son's things up to the room so that son didn't feel he was 'kicking his Dad out of his room' .... this is his projection, he felt 'kicked out' by his step mum and his mother never gave him a room at her home when they divorced. It is so hard because I can see that packing up his stuff was a bad move but I have to show the children that Daddy has moved out and that they cannot think he will move back, which is what they want to happen. H is adamant that kids have no hope of reconciliation so I am following through on this by packing up his things. I just feel I am walking a very scary tightrope and I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

[JAG]

MLCers are resistant to change--I know what an irony. They don't really want things to change which is why they are so upset. They are upset at how things have already changed--up to their MLC--and more afraid of how things will continue to change. So their solution is to regress, returning to a period of greater comfort and security--the place where they wish things had not changed from. To do this they may find an alienator. Sure, technically that is a change, but that person represents life how it was or how it could have been in their ideal fantasy.

RCR, this is amazing! It is so so true! MY H was a ROUTINE FREAK! Even more than me.  I think that my son's birth was a lot to get used to and only 8 months later we found out we were pregnant again (a planned pregnancy!).  Well, from that moment, the possible change was too much! So what did my H do? He found a woman who would be able to follow him on his business trips and vacations without ever having to hold him back (kind of like I was when I was 21 and we first met and were not married, didn't have full time jobs and did not have children).  My H regressed completely.  He went back to living like he was in his early adulthood without worrying about money, children, future.  All he has to do is worry about himself.  So, yes, OW does represent what could have been had he remained in a marriage without children.  He loves his kids for weekend visits where he can play "dad" and then go back to his "what could have been" lifestyle.  Sorry for going on and on...but this is so good in terms of making everything click for me. 

Thank you....as always RCR!

[toughtimes]

MLCers are resistant to change--I know what an irony. They don't really want things to change which is why they are so upset. They are upset at how things have already changed--up to their MLC--and more afraid of how things will continue to change. So their solution is to regress, returning to a period of greater comfort and security--the place where they wish things had not changed from. To do this they may find an alienator. Sure, technically that is a change, but that person represents life how it was or how it could have been in their ideal fantasy.

RCR, this is amazing! It is so so true! MY H was a ROUTINE FREAK! Even more than me.  I think that my son's birth was a lot to get used to and only 8 months later we found out we were pregnant again (a planned pregnancy!).  Well, from that moment, the possible change was too much! So what did my H do? He found a woman who would be able to follow him on his business trips and vacations without ever having to hold him back (kind of like I was when I was 21 and we first met and were not married, didn't have full time jobs and did not have children).  My H regressed completely.  He went back to living like he was in his early adulthood without worrying about money, children, future.  All he has to do is worry about himself.  So, yes, OW does represent what could have been had he remained in a marriage without children.  He loves his kids for weekend visits where he can play "dad" and then go back to his "what could have been" lifestyle.  Sorry for going on and on...but this is so good in terms of making everything click for me. 

Thank you....as always RCR!

this makes sense to me too. regressing to a life not dissimilar to the one we had when we first met. ahhhhh get it now! 

[CrazyStupidLove]

So now that we've pretty much nailed why they do it...how do we ever get them to want to include us or want us back?  If the new life they have created is so fantastic and they love being without any responsibilities, why would they ever come back?

Sadly, I do not think mine is ever coming back.  He is way too caught up in his new lifestyle and clearly is loving being with the OW and her riches and doesn't need me. I truly think that if I did not have kids at home, that he would never come around at all. Well I take that back, he would come around for the dog.  Once the dogs are all gone...then all that is left is me and he does NOT want that.

[Slow Fade]

this makes sense to me too. regressing to a life not dissimilar to the one we had when we first met. ahhhhh get it now! 

 

Ok this is freaky, when I met H I was getting out of a really bad marriage and he was knight in shining armour rescuing me......

When he started up with ow, she was just getting out of a bad marriage and he was tarnished knight in shining armour rescuing her!!!!

WOW 

[Ready2Transform]

So their solution is to regress, returning to a period of greater comfort and security--the place where they wish things had not changed from. To do this they may find an alienator. Sure, technically that is a change, but that person represents life how it was or how it could have been in their ideal fantasy.

Hoss is literally in his childhood bedroom, the way it was before he and his dad had "the big blow up" - and OW, though older than him, is very reminiscent of his first GF, who had also spent time living with the family around this time.   He's replaying the way things could have been had that event not happened and the GF chosen him instead of the other guy she dumped him for (in the case of OW, this put that role on her H). 

So now that we've pretty much nailed why they do it...how do we ever get them to want to include us or want us back?  If the new life they have created is so fantastic and they love being without any responsibilities, why would they ever come back?

Sadly, I do not think mine is ever coming back.  He is way too caught up in his new lifestyle and clearly is loving being with the OW and her riches and doesn't need me. I truly think that if I did not have kids at home, that he would never come around at all. Well I take that back, he would come around for the dog.  Once the dogs are all gone...then all that is left is me and he does NOT want that.

But just as life is not static, the situation won't be for them, either.  Between the changes in the R with OW (isn't she an older woman, in your H's case?  Her health, her financial status, her replacing him with someone new...all things that can change)...plus his fog lifting (if it's hormonal/chemical)...you don't have to work to put yourself back in his mind.  You had a life, a home, a family together.  That's still in there, under the stupid.

[The New Me]

That's still in there, under the stupid.

THAT is hilarious.

My H has told me that he was trying to make things like they were with us in the beginning with the OW: the freedom, the travel, the kind of life you can have before family.

TT, it's so hard to struggle with what to do on a daily basis, to find your spot on the tightrope. For me, I found it helpful not to think in terms of doing the "right" or "wrong" thing, but the thing that was most beneficial in taking care of myself and my children. I thought I would NEVER pack up H's things, but one day it just felt like it was time. Yes, he got mad but it was also a reality check for him. It was another chink in the fantasy.