[strength]

sorry, but what is FOO

[Thunder]

strength, your H and his ow have been unusually abusive to you.

As much as I am against NC, in your case that's the only thing I see as a good approach.
My gosh what else can you do??

Going NC IS the best thing sometimes to stop the hurt.

[strength]

Thank you Thunder.  That is the best thing I have heard all day.  My therapist told me that I have been extremely abused by H and OW.  OW begged H to spend Christmas with H 2 years ago, so after company left our home, H picked a fight and left for 3 days with NC, phone turned off.  OW wrote with permanent marker on H and mine pictures "he loves me, with her name, 2016"  It goes on and on.  The pictures of OW at my home are disgusting.  Sends me texts that H sends her to hurt me.  I see no other way for me anymore.  I gave it 2 1/2+ years and no change in H. 

[handpuppets]

Handpuppet I agree with a lot that you have said.  My H has told me I am desperate and no self esteem when I keep reaching out to him.  Why then would I keep doing such a thing.  H destroyed everything, I have done everything possible with no progress.  I will not beg H to be with me.  It only fires up the OW.  H has allowed OW to hurt me by calling, text, pictures, etc and H is ok with that.  I will never allow anyone to walk all over me.  I am a wonderful person and if NC and no cake-eating is wrong then I have wasted a lot of my life.  Any normal human being can take just so much before they push for D.  H's loss and H knows it and so does everyone we know.

I don't think there is a right or wrong here. While there is evidence of a MLC script, each of us has complex situations and circumstances to deal with. Do what you need to do for your own sanity and safety.

If reaching out to him doesn't bring you peace, then don't do it. If reaching out to him brings you peace, then do that. NC may be what you need to do right now but it might not be what you do six months from now; there is a ebb and flow to all of this crazy. My point is.. you cannot reconnect if there is NO connection so going NC to punish or discipline them is not going to work if your long-term goal is reconciliation. NC is appropriate if there is abuse or you feel unsafe.

When Mr. HP was in the throws of OW2, I went fairly dim/dark. During this time, he would monster to get a reaction from me and sometimes it would catch me off guard because I hadn't learned to do a different dance yet (so to speak) and I would totally take the bait. But now (5.5 years later) we are reconnecting... I still go dim at times but overall I try to be consistent with my behavior to encourage the reconnection, and hopefully one day reconciliation.

[handpuppets]

sorry, but what is FOO

FOO: Family of Origin;  family you grew up with which impacted how you learned to communicate, process emotions, and get needs met.

[handpuppets]

strength, your H and his ow have been unusually abusive to you.

As much as I am against NC, in your case that's the only thing I see as a good approach.
My gosh what else can you do??

Going NC IS the best thing sometimes to stop the hurt.

Totally agree with Thunder that NC may be appropriate given your situation. *hugs* 

[strength]

thank you.  that is all i can do for now.  the hurt is too much for me.  this doesn't mean that i won't talk to H anymore but for now and the holidays coming i can't hurt myself anymore than i am already hurting.  believe me, i miss H every day and want nothing more than reconciliation and our life again.  i just have to stay away for now and let H feel what it is like without any contact from me.

[Anjae]

denjef, this thread is getting to long - it has past 150 posts. I have locked it and kindly ask you to open a new one and reply to those who have posted here on the new thread. Thank you.

New Thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451