[AlvinTheMaker]

Welcome to the club nobody wants to be member of.

Right now in the early stages you do not have to make anything special besides focusing on your wellbeing (financial, mental and physical) and observing (from distance)  what's cooking in MLC land. I would say the main lesson/skill to learn on this stage is responding mindfully instead of reacting, no matter what. If you react it is like pouring gasoline to flames. It will take at least 3-6 months to master responding. You know you are there when nothing she says or does not cause instant  emotional kneejerk reactions.

Another important skill is learning to place boundaries for your own protection. You cannot control what she does, but you can define how you will respond and what consequences there will be if she crosses your borders. It is all about self respect / self love. Again, prepare for months of self study.

Once you feel you have some level of control of your life, it is tume to start thinking about GAL. If you consider MLC behaviour as infectious condition (both depression and anxiety can spread to family members), then getting a life (gal) of your own is the antidote. Spend time with family, go meet your friends, do things you love, anything that gets you off from MLC land.

By this point, you have likely reached the one year mark from BD.  Which just highlights the fact that this is not a sprint but marathon. You may want a lot of things right here right now. But that is not how growth or healing happens. Not for you, nor your partner.

Which takes to what KayDee wrote ....sometimes moving on in life can be or can seem easier than standing. And I think it is large contributor why so many MLCrs jump out of marriages within first 3-12 months. They simply do not have the energy and resources to navigate through any longer as crisis has already consumed them alive. If you put them more pressure, the faster they run out... what you do and how you proceed from here is a personal decision. Some stand forever, others move on instantly, others have some boundary that sets them free (like partner applying a divorce).... the good news is you do not need to make that choice now.

Alvin.

[JohnnyBravo]

Hi, loo030

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. Be careful with Larry Bilotta. Like SS said, Bilotta is coming from a different place. I took his course, and it did keep me occupied in early days, and maybe gave me some hope. But at the same time a lot of it is fishy. I also agree with SS that coaching sessions with RCR are more helpful (and there's a group class that she offers online).

One of Bilotta's references is a book called Reality Transurfing, which is basically another version of The Secret, or the idea of manifesting, or what's most commonly known as "fake it 'til you make it." There is some useful stuff, and some not so useful. One of the big concepts of Reality Transurfing is the idea of "energy pendulums" which may be better described as energy vortices. People can try to snag the energy of others to build up their own cause, and ideally you ignore that. The short description is to accept your situation, focus on good things, be mindful, and don't get caught up in other people's drama, especially the MLCer.

Here is a summary of ideas from the pendulum concept. I'm not so sure about the "you are neither important nor worthless" one, although I suppose it can mean to not take yourself too seriously. This board is the best place by far to vent any and all feelings about your situation, because we've all been there, and we understand empathize with the craziness. Hang in there!

 

 

• Accept Trouble. Merely accept the pendulum as having a right to exist – leave it alone, never blame it, never get angry at it, accept it as something that exists. Accepting does not mean that you embrace it; you pass it with indifference, wave goodbye as it passes through you, no longer think about it.
• Problems Are Easy: Keep saying a problem is easy to solve and it becomes so.
• Search Out Good: Your job is to grab onto the fine thread of good news. Do that by taking an interest in any good news no matter how small. Focus on this good news, good ideas, good purposes.
• Have Gratitude For It: Accept your present situation as it is. Make even the smallest thing a source of joy. Start by having gratitude for it. Things you throw away deserve your gratitude. Give out positive thought vibrations.
• Walk Right Through Trouble: When and unfortunate event happens, it is just the pendulum attempting to hook you. Accept it, ignore it, and stay on the Wave.
• I’m Neither Good Nor Bad: Accept everything about yourself and your situation as good. You are neither important, nor are you worthless.
• Be Comfortable With Everything: Keep your level of importance, care, concern, need, worry, desire, ambition at zero. Eliminate your mind’s Caring Angry Friend scam.
• Be Calm And Listen: It is good to allow your mind to be distracted at times so your soul can give you its insights which are ALWAYS right. Order your agitated thoughts to be quiet and ask, “Do I feel good or bad?” If bad, pick a different choice and ask again. Your soul will steer you in the right direction.
• Friction-Free Life: Do everything calmly. Do everything in the easiest, not anxious, way possible.
• There’s Multiple Possibilities: In order to avoid becoming anxious about your goals, accept defeat ahead of time. ONE TIME, imagine a scenario of a potential defeat and imagine what would happen if you don’t reach your goal. When you see this, imagine other options to ensure your success, other ways that things might also work in your favor. Do this ONLY ONCE and then it will free you from the need to force your goal into happening a certain way.
• Greatness Is Normal: Keep looking at your “Have List” every day so you can feel comfortable with this new way of life. Get comfortable with your Have List. Until it is seen as an ordinary life (meaning you are no longer in awe of it), your new Have List will not arrive.
• Possibility Is Comfortable: Pay attention to the comfort level of your soul. Imagine that everything on your Have List has already been reached. It’s all behind you now. Do you feel very good or very bad? If you feel good, you found your door. If not, assist your soul and keep looking.
• Secure The Best: When things go right for you, and you feel you’re on a mountain top, dig a foxhole. This means that you will be prepared for the pendulum, your anxiety to come and try to take this away from you. Drop your own importance for this mountain top experience. Immediately let the pendulum fall to nothing. Black Stamp it.

[loo030]

Thank you everyone for replying to me. I am reading them and trying to dissect it all. I am reading all them once and will go back and read them again and if I have something I will reply. But for now I am overwhelmed when I think about it to much so am trying to disengage to not feel like crap.