[loo030]

My wife and I have been married for 21 years. In May she did the BD. She says there is no affair. I don't think there is but it would not surprise me if there is a emotional affair, I would be surprised if there is a physical affair but I am not ruling it out. It went from giving me a hug and kiss every morning and holding my hand at night when we fell asleep to no touching, and I have not loved you for years. I could sense something was wrong for a quite a few months befor the BD, and I asked here several times what is wrong but got no answer. Hew Dad passed away 2 years ago, and within 6 months her mom was dating someone and they just got remarried a couple weeks ago. Her sister got a divorce in April this year, There daughter ended up with a eating disorder because of it and had to be admitted. We became grandparents this past year, our daughter went off to college, and we have 2 kids in highschool. She has a high stress job that has been more stressful the past year. And she turns 50 in a couple months.
She is going to therapy and says it is to try to figure herself out and why she did some of the things in the past. She did have an affair 16 years ago and that has eaten her up inside I know. However she has rewritten our past by pointing our every thing I have ever did wrong. Like when we first got married I bought a lawn mower and that stressed her out. Some of the things she points out about our marriage is my fault and I have owned my mistakes. None of this is anything a normal marriage can't get through. I have not been a bad person or husband, made mistakes, but nothing so bad that we couldn't get past. I have been working on myself and focusing on me since BD and even before that because I could tell something was wrong. I have went to the just speak when spoken to mode. It is awkward and uncomfortable. We still sleep in the same bed but feel miles apart. She has softened a bit lately but I am worried that this is or new normal. Is she just buying time until the kids graduate? I don't know, but the thought of living like this for 4 years and then ending up not togther after that worries me alot.

[UrsaMajor]

You bought a lawn mower?

How COULD you do such an evil thing?


Sorry but THAT is a new one... Usually it is more like "You let the dog get fat" or "You didn't vacuum the floor right" or "You don't cook Bratwursts correctly" or some other nonsense.

Other than that, the fact that she is already seeing an IC would indicate (hopefully) more of a MLT (Transition) because usually a real Mid-Lifer in Crisis is ONLY about blaming the LBS for everything bad that happened to the MLC'er in their entire life.... even before they met the LBS....

Only time will tell what path she is on at this point....

Post often if you wish because there are enough people here that someone will have likely gone through something similar.

UM

[forthetrees]

You are still in the very raw state and will be for a while longer. Imagine a burn victim who is in the hospital- alive but undergoing painful treatments and just trying to grow a protective layer for survival sake. That´s where you are. The burn victim is not thinking about hobbies, travel, sports. They want to avoid breaking down and just want to have the ability to do self-care. All that to say that it will take you at least two years to find your center again whether you remain a couple of not and it will take longer than that to feel that your joy tank has refilled completely and that she no longer is a source of daily emotional pain. If sleeping in a shared bed miles apart causes more pain than sleeping in your own bed, you can modify the sleeping arrangements. The way it is now you are subjected to rejection even while sleeping- not healthy.

You are going to need to focus on YOU to get through wherever this takes you. That means sleeping well, eating well, time in nature, exercise, some sort of community socializing BUT NOT straying yourself for female companionship. Keep tabs on finances- joint accounts, new credit cards (yes they will get them and being married you will be on the hook for charges), extravagant purchases, IRA withdrawals, etc.

Try your very best to NOT ask questions as you will likely get lies for answers and that just creates a bigger mess to deal with.

Find an expressive emotional outlet- music, art, etc. and a physical outlet- running, swimming, yoga and a spiritual outlet- church, meditation, etc.

It´s a marathon not a sprint.

[MadLuv]

So much of what you wrote I have lived but with a male MLCer, so pretty script. My XH told me that I hurt his feeling when I was u happy he bought me a weight scale for xmas in 1991. 30 years ago!!!!  Of course I wasn’t thrilled with a weight scale for xmas, even if I mentioned we needed one. So, they dig for anything and everything to try and make sense why their feelings are not where they used to be and to justify EA or PA.

Keep busy! Journal when you need to clear your head. Getting your own IC or counselor if you dont have a friend you feel comfortable talking to is also a good idea. This situation is so anxiety inducing that just clearing your head is essential. I walked alot and listened to musics or books.

So sorry you find youself here, but you will feel a little more emotionally stable in this situation seeing and reading you are not alone.

[loo030]

It is so hard for me to grasp how someone in your family can just all of a sudden treat you like that. After being together for over 22 years. It is mind blowing. I can understand an affair and the temptation easier than I can just turning your back on a family member and telling them you have not loved them for years. Who does that? She must be so confused.  I told her that she was confused  once and she blew up at me. I have been not talking much lately. I am so unsure of what I am supposed to be doing right now, talk don't talk, I feel like I am stonewalling but also feel like I am trying to disengage to protect myself. it is so hard to know how to act and feel during all this. I f____ hate it.

[WHY]

We feel you friend.  Your wife is following the MLC script I've read about 10,000 times over.  And one I'm seeing in my own W.  In the early stages, its shocking how Ctrl-P the whole thing is.  I never made mine a sandwich back in 2013.  You cannot make this stuff up.

The bad news is you're in for one long, gut wrenching journey, thats going to last YEARS.  Literally years.  You cant fight it or change anything.  Strap in because you're in for one helluva ride.

The good news is that you found the single best community on the web to help you get through this.  The folks here are strong & supportive.  And will help you develop the tools you need to survive this damn thing.  You will get through this.

As for what you're supposed to be doing right now?  The faster you can take the spotlight off her and focus 100% on yourself.  The better it will be for your own survival, and you'll leave her to her own devices to journey through the tunnel.  Engaging her, trying try debate things, trying to change her, arguments...  It only makes things worse and IMO, slows down their journey in the tunnel.

The faster you get to a place where you can be roomates with a colleague, the better it will be for your mental health.

I always ask newbies this question though.  The affair is the cornerstone of MLC.  Not sure I've seen a story where there wasnt one.  So if this is the case, is that a deal breaker for you standing or not?  Could you endure a PA, EA, or fantasy affair.  Because you may want to figure that out first if it affects your decision to stand or not.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

[Baxter1]

Loo-

Welcome to the club. I was in your shoes in March, confused, hurt, sad, angry. At first I thought it was
Walk away spouse but it’s not, it’s MLC. You didn’t do anything wrong to get here, this is her struggle.
I didn’t want to believe the part about the A either, then I found some guys shirt in my dryer. I’m
Not staying that your wife is doing anything, I’m just saying that it happens in MLC. The people here get what you’re going thru and are going thru it as we speak. Again sorry you’re here but you found a good place with great resources. She may try to kick you out of your own home, I would stay put.
Other than that get ready for a gut wrenching experience, the forums are great form bouncing ideas off people who know.
Good Luck

[loo030]

Last night I walked into the bedroom and she was under her facial light thing that is supposed to keep your face young. It crossed my mind to say "working on your midlife crisis." Not so much to be a smart ass, but to make light of it or joke a little about it, but I didn't, but it kinda made me chuckle inside a little thinking about saying it.

[forthetrees]

Guaranteed that if you had said something you would have poked the bear.

[UrsaMajor]

Guaranteed that if you had said something you would have poked the bear.

Like THIS bear....