[Dontgiveup]

The link to RCR's article the Friendship Balance was posted earlier.....and recent posts like OMR's and LGO's have touched on this.....MLCers in Replay want buddies.  The LBS can determine the opportunities where friendship can come into play based on the behaviors of the MLCer.  I think LisaLives points out some excellent examples of what RCR bullet points below.


When should you start the friendship process? Starting it is something you should do immediately so that you are Paving the Way, but when should you allow a friendship relationship and when should you use the line? There are times when your MLCer is seeking you as a friend rather than a buddy or when your MLCer needs a friend or if they are not seeking but they may be open to your initiation of friendship. Replayers want buddies and are abusive to their friends. If your MLCer is being emotionally abusive, he will abuse you if you offer your friendship. But it is not only Replayers that abuse your friendship. MLCers who want to come home or who want you to wait and be there for them but also want their adulterous life will use friendship to continue to Cake-Eat.

No Contact, Friendship is non-active
Monster or Replayers
•Your MLCer is openly involved in an affair.
•Your MLCer is taunting you with the infidelity.
•Your MLCer is taunting you with legal tactics.
•Your MLCer is being Monster, spewing--blame and projection.

Cake-Eaters
•Your MLCer is being needy and wants to lean on you without helping himself.
•Your MLCer wants you to baby and take care of him--S-Mother warning!
•Your MLCer wants a relationship with you and the OW.

[Mamma Bear]

  LisaLeaves   Your friends will say "She never looked better."
  I'm sorry for you that your H can't be nice. The only reason I am friendly with my H is bc he's acting like a new neighbor who comes around to see my kids and flirt with me. Since it's ONLY 6 months post BD today  I figured I'd just go with it. Feels OK for me. For now.
   So while I work on myself I WATCH this play out. Friendly keeps it calm. He's a marshmellow. If he was Monster I'd hit him upside his head with a whiffle ball bat!   

[LisaLives]

MB, the biggest problem for me is he is not, not nice.  And I tried so hard in the beginning to try to be his friend.  He will be really nice, he'll tell me how much he loves me and has always loved me and wants the best for me and then three hours later he'll tell me that I have to pay all the therapy bills because he can't and he doesn't see why S's have to go to therapy anyway since there is nothing wrong with them...  Or he'll tell me how wonderful I am and how he never wants to hurt me and then neglect to tell me that he is taking OW to a very public event in my place.

It's the madness and the chaos that I kept getting sucked into that I just had to let go.  But in hindsight, it is just a huge magnification of our whole marriage.  His internal demon is a battle to be good enough, for instances, things can be good, but then he turns around and everything sucks and we need to this and that, and it was always my fault--the fact that the west side of the house always needs paint and the crabgrass thrives, you know...  All the crazy making stuff I just have no time or energy to fix anymore--cause it seems I was never good at it anyway, so now that's HER job!  It's all so sad, really, I wish he were monster, then I could really dsilike him instead of feeling so sorry for him, and her...       

[GottaBeMe]

Thanks Synicca for starting this thread.

It's so interesting to see all the different points of view.  I love the fact that everyone here is so respectful of each other's opinions. 

LisaLives,

I want to thank you also for very eloquently stating your views.  You expressed a lot of concerns and opinions that I also have; as you often do. 

I cannot be just friends with my XH.  I have given this lots of thought over the years. I told him that once, and he agreed that he didn't think that we could be just friends either.  The thing is, when he connects with me, he acts more like he wants to be friends rather than reconcile our marriage.  It's rather clear to me that he wants to start off with a friendship, with the hopes that it will turn into something else.  He talks out of both sides of his mouth. 

There are a few problems that I have with even attemping the friendship, as a stepping stone to something more.  He still tries to dismiss my feelings, and doesn't show true remorse.  Friends don't discount your feelings, they try to understand and treat you with respect.  At least anyone that I care to call friend.  We can't get very far in our conversations with one another without hitting a hot button, and he doesn't often handle it well.  Sometimes it's me that doesn't handle it well because it's nauseatingly painful that after 5 long years, he still only throws a few crumbs.

I've told him that a decent divorce settlement would be a good start to a better relationship of some sort.  He still won't do that.  He still acts immature, selfish, and shows very little in the way of morals.  Maybe this is the person he's decided to be.  Not my kind of friend.  Not now anyway.

Even having said all that, if he ever reached out to me in real need.  I know that I wouldn't be able to turn him away.  The love for him as a human being will always remain.  I'm pretty sure deep down inside of him, he knows that too. 

[Mamma Bear]

 GottaBe Me I just think of him as a mental patient now and only half listen to the junk mail discussions and insane ramblings. I figure if/when he wakes up we'll be on good terms. (with the mental patient) I don't attribute any normal cognitive reasoning skills to him at this time. He's handicapped. (apparently so is Bowser)    Happiness pouring out of the sky.

[GottaBeMe]

MamaBear,

I just love your attitude, and your humor. I'm sure for your sitch, you are doing the right things. 

You are an inspiration!  You rock girlfriend! I'm so glad that you are here. 

[Silmarion]

M=Must     L=Lie      C=continuously


So even if I'm his 'friend' today I'm probably his enemy tomorrow....!!!


Gotta a few more ideas for these and will post on my thread.  Helps keep me sane 

Sil x

[Mamma Bear]

 Sil,    M=More     L=Lunacy      C=Craziness

[Silmarion]

Mamma,


Last one for day...don't make me do it.....

M=married      L=left         C=cheated




Gotta 

Sil x

[Synicca]

LOL you guys...That was funny!!