[Synicca]

I have wanted to start this discussion for some time now....


The reason I wanted to start this is because there has been many talks about how to enteract with our MLCers
I for one, have remained "friends" with my H from the beginning.

Some of what H and I have talked about would be considered " a NO R talk" discussion. but, from my own
point of view, and as for my OWN sitch. I believe that my Marriage has long suffered from "losing" sight of
OUR friendship. I believe in order to truly have LOVE, it must begin with a true undying friendship.

We talk about how our H's or W's are/were our best friend, BUT were/are they really?? The foundation of
every M or R should start with being friends first.

In my own case, MY H has said many times during this crisis, that He see's now that WE ARE FRIENDS.

The one thing he has truly valued in ME, during this mess. He has seen that NO MATTER what path he chooses
to take, I will remain his friend most of all.
It was something that suffered before but now has a new found light to it. If anything, I want my H to be happy.
IF this means without me, then so be it. His happiness brings me comfort. as a friend this is what we all want
for eachother. regardless of what that person decides to do for their own future.

SO anyway, I would like to hear from others, on whether YOU could be friends with YOUR MLCer right now
as your very own sitch plays out??

Could you support him or her in THEIR journey, even if it meant they never returned to your Marriage??

hugs

[summer progress]

Great Thread!

Last night in MC my H called me his best friend. I feel the same about him.

Since the BD, we have become closer as friends. I listen to his confusion when he talks about it. Although, I "try" not to spin my 2 cents in since he does not want my help. He knows I am there for him. We talk more about who we are or our vision of how to become a better person now than we did prior to BD. We talk about ourselves as individuals. During MC last night, I told H and the MC that no matter what, I want my H to be happy. This is true. With me or without me, for 23 years he has always been my friend and we all want our friends to be happy.

Some people believe that friends shouldn't hurt each other like the MLCer has done to us, but I do not agree. Friends do get hurt by other friends. Sometimes it gets resolved and sometimes it does not. There have been times in our lives where we have gone long periods of time without talking to some of our friends only to pick up where we left off.

I want my H to be happy and to find out who and what he is. If his happiness does not include me as a spouse in the future, then I may be hurt, but I will feel better knowing that he is happy. If he finds he is not happy without me in his life as a wife (my biggest hope), then at least our friendship will be able to continue through the rest of our relationship. The ball is in his court.

[Mamma Bear]

 Yup. We were friends before!    He said at BD about being with ow "I'm with a REAL friend now."
  Now ever since BD he talks that "We work best as best friends." .  "You are my only friend."
  I find it easier to know that we can text and call each other and not be weird with each other. Nervous and on the shy side ,YES,  but like with a real friend you can still say "  You have a Booger  dangling"       or      " I'm holding the fort while you have space bc that's what friends do."       I think in order to have the  ability to be the Lighthouse you need to be friends. Or the lighthouse needs a friendly smile. Warm glow. Duct tape. Truth darts.  I get good hugs this way.      He has been my best friend since 1995 and he always will be.  Now matter what Monster Spew came out of his teenage mouth on 2-14-11. I read somewhere , I think "Clingy Boomerang" article they might express fear of losing you as fear of losing 'the friendship'....DGU   yoo hoo...?? Good thread. I know some of us have Monster Central. I could not be friends with that!

[LisaLives]

You and some of the others on here puzzle me.   You always make me feel like queen b#$%^ because I could never do what you do.  On a saint scale, I am definitely a low outlier… 

I could have been and would have wanted to be friends with my ex forever, even if he wanted out of our marriage—IF he had and wanted to be friends with ME and honor our contract to do right by our kids.  When he started to go into the tunnel, but I didn't know why or anything about MLC, I offered him the option of divorce because I knew he wasn't happy and I sincerely want him to be happy. 

But, when he said he wanted to be together forever, then went and found her and decided  that he needed to treat me like dirt and throw our whole marriage and family under the bus without exploring anything about himself first, I realized that while he SAYS he wants to be my friend, he is not capable of it.  Friends often put the other person first and consider their needs, but he has not considered anyone’s needs but his own in some time.  I don’t think he can be anyone’s friend right now, not even OW’s. 

I could be his friend, if he could be mine.  I have tried over the years to ditch a lot of those “stick-tite” friends that offer you nothing and suck you dry, why would I voluntarily add another one?  While you have been a good friend to your H, over all the years, has he TRULY been yours, is he TRULY a good friend now?  I think it’s possible, but I think in most cases where ex’s claim to be “friends” there are other unspoken and hidden reasons for it and they secretly either despise each other but need something the other is providing, usually money, sometimes sex, or they are living off crumbs of what they thought they had—like the ex-wife who foolishly still believes that because they maintain a “friendship” he really does still love her and one day will return while he actually allows the relationship because he knows he can get her to do things—like having a second wife—and that’s not a friendship, and it is not healthy for her. 

There may come a day when the pain has gone and he and OW have been happily married for 10 years and I have a new partner, when the possibility exists that we could build a new friendship, but why bother, there are a billion other people in the world that have never thrown me under a bus, so why not try some of them first?  Just my opinion, but I've been thinking about this a lot... 

[Synicca]

LL,

Ponder this for a sec.....What if your best Girlfriend was going through MLC...and she was running herself
and everyone around her into the ground, would you walk away from her??? or would you be her
friend and help her through it. Even if it meant, SHe may step on you from time to time, until she got
THROUGH ths crisis?

This is a form of "detachment" unconditional love...is the very foundation of ANY R.

It is at the very center of "Let go and Let God"

[LoveMeMyself]

My ex H has stated throughout this entire ordeal that he wants to remain friends.  (BD Oct. 09)  In the earlier months he pushed me away and pushed hard at times.  He did not break me........even though I respected his requests for space/time and left him alone.  I've gone over and over this concept in my head trying to decide if I can actually be his friend regardless of how things turn out between us.  It is hard for me to "think" I can remain his friend in the event that he has other women or another woman in his life.  I believe if this happens I will become nothing more to him than an ex wife.  Not sure.

At the moment and due to a certain incident that happened a few weeks ago, I am his friend.  He knows I am the one who will be there for him.  He has thanked me for my "grace and forgiveness" and has stated that it has helped him so much through all of this.  I maintain my unconditional love for him and showing him through my acts of kindness.  I think the fact that I have maintained a steady and continuous "friendly" attitude toward him throughout his crisis has truly helped.  I honestly want him to be happy in the end.  As none of us know what the future brings, all still remains to be seen.

I have a close friend who divorced her husband many years ago (10 or 15).  She had absolutely nothing to do with him for a year afterwards.......wouldn't even talk to him.  Now, they are platonic companions.  They do all family things together: dinners, holidays, vacations, etc. 

[truth_seeker]

Ponder this for a sec.....What if your best Girlfriend was going through MLC...and she was running herself
and everyone around her into the ground, would you walk away from her??? or would you be her
friend and help her through it. Even if it meant, SHe may step on you from time to time, until she got
THROUGH ths crisis?

This is a form of "detachment" unconditional love...is the very foundation of ANY R.

It is at the very center of "Let go and Let God"

S
I believe in friendship with our H but while they are MLC we need to tread lightly in order to not "smother" them and instead love from a distance.  It is also important to keep a healthy distance for YOU as much as your MLCer. 

In reading your comments above I get the impression you feel you can "help" the MLCer along the process yet it maybe your offer to continue to help may actually be hindering their progression as much as your own.  Something I have painfully realized is that my H was my best friend because I wanted him to be and I was his.  Yet, it was not enough.  I no longer have control over anything except my own actions which is to remain nice and cordial but I also choose not to lose sight of myself in this journey.  Yes, I've become more selfish through this as I never truly was. 

I have great friends and have for many years yet there are not many whereas my H never has.  That I believe says a lot.  He needs to learn to become a good friend just as much as becoming a better person not for me but for himself.  So if we continue to "help" are we really doing them any good or are we helping ourselves feel more "comfortable" with the reality of the sitch as it is today?  That's something I try to ask myself every day.  That's part of the mirror work we all need to do. 

Letting him go and letting God doesn't mean you need to do anything except just that.  Let them go.  That too is unconditional love.  I love my H very much but I've let him go.  If he comes back great, if not I will be there in whatever way he chooses to have me but not until we're both ready. 

Please don't take the focus off yourself while your focusing on your MLCer.  I know you know first hand what they may be going through but that was your individual journey and your H is on his own.  You are a powerful force within yourself.  This will shine through when it needs to.

[StandandDeliver]

I asked my H if there was a way we could be friends after he left (a month after BD) and he looked at me like I was crazy. I tried in the beginning but I was so distraught and his behaviour continued to be so erratic - like bringing her over to pick up the kids less than 2 months after BD. So, I went NC because I needed to protect myself. I am always civil and I try to be kind when we do have contact these days, but I am not his friend. I have also told him I will not be his friend while he is still with OW, and I let him know that this is not as an attempt to "control" him, but is a self-protection thing. I am sticking to that, it is a boundary. I told him I would always be there for him if he was in need, but I would not be his "pal". I do not know where this lands in the "right/wrong" approach, or what "kind" of person this means I am, but I do know that it  feels right to me. I, personally, could not do anything else. If he wishes to initiate contact, I am friendly but I am not his friend. I maintain boundaries with him that I would not have with a true, close friend. There are things I will not discuss with him because it will unleash monster or it will make me upset. In any case, in my sitch, H is not really "allowed" to talk to me by OW anyway (he never ever contacts me during their "at home" time, I am scheduled into working hours.

I am sometimes sad about this because there was a very long time, prior to MLC, where we were best friends and I believe shared most things with each other and supported and helped each other out as best we could. But that did change as H started into his crisis which I think, with hindsight, he had been gradually heading into for around 2 years prior to BD. 

I think that it differs for everyone. When you look at the people on here who have reconciled some remained friends with their MLCer during the process, others did not. I think we need to remember that what we do during the MLC may leave an impression on our WS that may help or hinder a potential reconciliation but I do not believe that it affects the outcome as much as we might want it to.

[truth_seeker]

I am always civil and I try to be kind when we do have contact these days, but I am not his friend. I have also told him I will not be his friend while he is still with OW, and I let him know that this is not as an attempt to "control" him, but is a self-protection thing. I am sticking to that, it is a boundary. I told him I would always be there for him if he was in need, but I would not be his "pal". I do not know where this lands in the "right/wrong" approach, or what "kind" of person this means I am, but I do know that it  feels right to me. I, personally, could not do anything else. If he wishes to initiate contact, I am friendly but I am not his friend. I maintain boundaries with him that I would not have with a true, close friend. There are things I will not discuss with him because it will unleash monster or it will make me upset. In any case, in my sitch, H is not really "allowed" to talk to me by OW anyway (he never ever contacts me during their "at home" time, I am scheduled into working hours.

This is my same experience.  Much like you S&D, I had the same discussion early on and have this boundary set for me. 

[OldPilot]

I agree with truth seeker.

I think the operative word is

      MIRROR

Your MLC'er is in control during the crisis
they will have to control the contact too.
You can not pursue - that much I am sure of.
If they move away from you and never come back there is not too
much you can DO about that without pursuing.

If they are pursuing you then I would say let them depending on your healthy boundaries.