[kikki]

You're absolutely right Ready2 - wise words 

This therapist earlier, had said, some people come out of it, some people don't.  Either way - it's not a quick fix - takes many years.  Sigh!

[Ready2Transform]

Y'know, if it was cancer, we'd all be glad for every moment, sick or not, and would accept the journey because we'd HAVE to.  It's not like if our spouses were still "themselves" we'd all have perfect lives with them.  There would still be ups and downs.  So there is this, "Well I'm going to have to walk through time anyway, might as well trust the process!".  LOL  With MLC, there's at least the promise of transformation, and a newfound awareness and joy in little things.  Even if they don't come out, WE DO.  It will not be forever for us unless we choose that.  And we tend to glamorize the life we "would have had" had this not happened, when really, it could have sucked.

It really does astound me when I look back to 2008, when I believe my crisis started, and realize how much time has past, how much I've screwed up, but how much BETTER I am now.  The same as before - but better.  GROWN - finally.  That really is the best way to describe it.  The days feel like centuries, but the years pass quickly.  They do *anyway*.  I think sometimes we get so caught on the time frame we forget that. 

[Silmarion]

I'm sure I haven't taken in every comment on here but the gist of it seems to be about the same thing - answers.  I know that's why I first researched the reason my h left and why he felt he no longer loved me.  I was in turmoil and I needed security.  A place that had answers to my confusion.  I found a lot of that on this site.

However, the more I understand, the less I feel the need to 'label' my h's 'condition.'  It is interesting, that I came here to understand him.  What I've done, is understand my self.  I echo some of what has been said here.  Therapy is for one's self.  It's not for the other. 

Therapists seemed to range on here from psychologists to psychiatrists and the psychotherapist.  The training is very different and therefore the outcomes will be different.  GP's diagnose - counsellors/psychotherapists don't (or shouldn't!)  The right psychotherapist will understand middle life and if they don't and you do - find one that does!

While we are looking at the MLCer's mlc we might not be looking at our own.  Without a doubt, I too have been experiencing my middle of life and it has taken some of my h's midlife enounter, to steer me into looking at myself.

Much has been written on mlc and mlt -  a little knowledge is powerful but it can also be powerless as it opens up even more  doors.  The understanding of one's self and another is never ending.

[Ready2Transform]

I just want to quote your whole post Silmarion and say "YES!". 

[kikki]

'Yes!' from me too.  You're quite right Silmarion.

The therapist I saw is a psychotherapist, but I guess it would be the Jungian psychotherapists that would be more likely to deal with and understand midlife?

I came away from yesterday's session feeling very very 'black'.  I know it is only his opinion, and it is only a theory, but it seemed like such a finite thing and such a closed door to any hope that one day my H and the boys' Dad, may pull him self out of this mess.

[Ready2Transform]

It is actually a good thing to face the possibility of him staying in forever.  Truly being "As if...".  I think when you are able to do that, you give yourself the gift of true independence.  BUT, having said that, some important points: 

some people come out of it, some people don't.

Some do.  I did.  You've seen other examples here, too.

Either way - it's not a quick fix - takes many years.

...and you're already several years in. With some pretty serious touch-and-go's. 

That's not to give you false hope, which I think might be what you're fearing, but I see no reason for you to have regular hope.

This site wouldn't exist if there were no hope, but if you let yourself dwell a little in the idea that he might not come back, mourn that, and be free, you're not actually hurting his process, or slimming his chances.  Your hope alone is not sustaining him (I say that because sometimes I think that's what's helping my H). 

In August 2011, I called my dad and told him he would be hearing from me when I wanted to speak to him, but otherwise he was to leave me alone.  I intended to phase him out of my life from there and seek therapy for all of the problems he had caused in my life.  Sound familiar?  Prior to all of this, any movement he made to try to "help" me felt like he was trying to kill me.  In fact, I actually thought he WAS trying to kill me.  By offering me mints!  That I thought were poisoned!  Quit laughing, I'm serious!

When we had this phone call, he said he just thought I was "lost", but he didn't tell me that.  He just said, "Ok, know that I'm always here for you."  Then he did what I asked.  He knew it could have been permanent (I really haven't talked to my mother in 18 years, but that's a whole other enchilada...), but he also knew from putting up with me the last several years that there was nothing more he could do for me.

I gradually moved closer, pulled back, rinse, repeat, until I really NEEDED HIM.  And he was my rock.  And he validated.  And he waited until I was ready to discuss things (which has been in the last month). 

This process does work, I think more often than not.  But I know we can't *say* that because what if it doesn't.  Like Silmarion said, this is a process that is sincerely for us, too, and you're at the right place with the right therapist who is going to focus on YOUR experience in a way that you as a wonderful caregiver to your kids and your H might not have been allotting time for (and that ain't a judgement - it is obvious that you are just very compassionate and conscientious of your H's state!).  Turn that black to sparkly white, and shine.  You DESERVE it for all you have done thus far, and the distance you are yet willing to go.

[kikki]

 

It is actually a good thing to face the possibility of him staying in forever.  Truly being "As if...".  I think when you are able to do that, you give yourself the gift of true independence. 

Ready2 - I really want to thank you so much for your post.  You absolutely hit the nail on the head.
I know this issue is a possibility - but I had it somewhere in a compartment in my brain that knew it intellectually, but I need to face this from an emotional sense.  Where to from here is not easy to answer when you're so intwined in every sense, as we are!

In August 2011, I called my dad and told him he would be hearing from me when I wanted to speak to him, but otherwise he was to leave me alone.  I intended to phase him out of my life from there and seek therapy for all of the problems he had caused in my life.  Sound familiar?  Prior to all of this, any movement he made to try to "help" me felt like he was trying to kill me.  In fact, I actually thought he WAS trying to kill me.  By offering me mints!  That I thought were poisoned!  Quit laughing, I'm serious!

Wow - the mind of the MLCer.  Thank you for sharing - it is extraordinary. 
Love the mint story - although it is quite tragic at the same time 

Like Silmarion said, this is a process that is sincerely for us, too, and you're at the right place with the right therapist who is going to focus on YOUR experience in a way that you as a wonderful caregiver to your kids and your H might not have been allotting time for (and that ain't a judgement - it is obvious that you are just very compassionate and conscientious of your H's state!).  Turn that black to sparkly white, and shine.  You DESERVE it for all you have done thus far, and the distance you are yet willing to go.

Thanks Ready2 - I agree - it is time to concentrate on me. 

[Silmarion]

Oh, how rude of me...I meant to add my signature to my last post...


Sil x

 

Yes - do read some Erikson (Erik) and Jung, both talk of middle life.  Also Murray Stein. Jed Diamond is very useful for looking at male depression and menopause :  http://menalive.com/

Wishing all well.

Sil x

[kikki]

Thanks Sil, will do