[barbiedoll]

My husband was "kicked out " , and at the time I did not know there was an affair. He had threatened to leave for months , but never made a move . He swears ( for 19 month in entense therapy) that his affair "person" meant absolutely nothing .. nothing . Says no "addiction" or incredible need to be with her at all.. says he felt nothing for or about anything .. including her . He was attracted to the "feeling" he got for himself.  Appreciated , admired , desired and that he was "ok" ( he was not OK anywhere else )He like the feeling of making her "happy " ( just by showing up apparently ) Would he have left "for " her ? Says he had no future plans , permanent ideas ..nothing. She made herself very very easy and available and he went for it . In his state of mind , she could have been anyone who showed an interest in him. She told him she loved him, invited him to move in and started to make future plans . He did none of it.  He said , these "statements " from her started to hit home , wake him up and made him think WTF?. It was pressure to him. Sooo.. it is not the same as what I read about , no fabulous sex, no emotional connection, just another piece of evidence that he was crazy. He has been back in the house for 19 months .. still doing repair work. If he is to be believed , this has been his repeated story.

[in it]

I'm pretty sure in my case it was an exit affair. The ex didn't have a clue how to get out of the marriage so exow provided the way.

He insisted on the lawyer the next day. Threatened my life to get the money he wanted.

 The divorce over with in 4 months.  So was the affair.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

She told him she loved him, invited him to move in and started to make future plans . He did none of it.  He said , these "statements " from her started to hit home , wake him up and made him think WTF?. It was pressure to him.

This is interesting. The om told my wife's BIL that he was buying a "log cabin in the woods", a longtime dream of hers. Her response was that she would rent the apartment they were living in if her bought the cabin. My BIL told me it seemed to surprise the om when she said that. And I've been told by several people that it seems like she was only with him because it gave her a place to stay. I hope it's true that the more plans the op makes the more the MLCer feels pressured.

[a]

Hi UL

I am not sure what to believe anymore about my ex or anyone else's experience on this board.  At the time of the affair my ex professed he had been unhappy for 13 years of our 14 year marriage - so at that time it may have been an exit affair.  But a few months ago (8 months into his marriage to OW) he texted and said he regrets that we were not still together, that we had a good marriage and that there was only a very small thing in the end that wasn't working.  To this day I do not know what that small thing was!!!!

Also my ex was having affair on his ow with many other women - so was he also trying to exit his relationship with her?   In the end he married her and may or may not still be cheating on her.

I have come to realise we cannot put anything into a box - is it MLC is it an exit affair - I don't know.  We tend to think that because "MLCers" show the same behaviour patterns that it points to or is evidence of MLC but maybe its just evidence of how people who are in affair behave whether they are in MLC or not.  We just have to look at Brad Pitt to know his behaviour was exactly the same, he allowed the media to believe that it was because Jennifer didn't want babies that he left the marriage and even till a few months ago he was speaking out of turn about Jennifer.  Was he also experiencing a MLC or is he just a man who fell in love with another woman and behaved in the same way than most of our ex's behaved???  I think in the end it is indicative of someone that has very selfish tendencies and lacks empathy.

So is it abandonment or an exit affair who knows I think in the end we just have to accept that its happened (the cause does not matter) and what are we going to do to move on and live life as best we can.  Easier said than done because I still struggle to make sense of things even though I know that you cannot make sense of something that lacks sense.  I guess in the end we have to work on ourselves and ask what could we do differently going forward.

take care moment

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Easier said than done because I still struggle to make sense of things even though I know that you cannot make sense of something that lacks sense.  I guess in the end we have to work on ourselves and ask what could we do differently going forward.

I think this is a key point. An exit affair wouldn't be so devastating because you would be able to look back and see that there were problems in the marriage. With MLC the LBS is usually clueless until the MLCer starts to change 1 to 2 years before BD and even the LBS doesn't  think anything of it because they know they have a good marriage.

[Medusa]

I think we need to look at the broader picture and not just focus on the affair.

An exit affair is just that: I want out of the marriage, but I'm too much of a coward to say it.

An MLC affair is a symptom of something much, much larger. Even though they spout ILYBIMILWY and divorce becomes a very real part of our lives, the MLCer seems to take one of two paths: immediate or long and drawn out.

We need to step back from the affair and look at the whole of the behavior of the MLCer. Running down a mental checklist with mine, I've seen cake eating, monstering, touch & go's, wallowing, indecision, guilt, control, shark eyes, escape and avoid--pick a symptom, and he's exhibited it. Conversely, I've a friend whose wife was probably an exit affair. She treated him like crap, but he has never seen the kind of shi!t we go through beyond the affair and an occasional sense of entitlement on her part. Could be that she's female, but I don't think so.

I don't think we can predict which ones will try to come back and which ones won't. Often, as has been said many times, the final decision is left up to the LBS. Before we are faced with that, though, we need to do the mirror work and let go of the idea that they might come back.

What does OP tell us? Live our lives as though they won't come back.

It's the best piece of advice we receive, I think. Unfortunately, it's also one that I'm not certain we can really understand in the beginning.

[TopsyTurvy]

Hi UL

What does OP tell us? Live our lives as though they won't come back.

It's the best piece of advice we receive, I think. Unfortunately, it's also one that I'm not certain we can really understand in the beginning.

Two years ago I didn't want to believe this, but now I know, it is SO true.

In the UK we can wait 2 years from separation and then get a DIY divorce (this really only works when there are no children involved, and any finances are resolved amicably) it's also much cheaper than using lawyers.  As my H has not filed, I am 'expecting' him to do this in October (2 yrs post leaving).  Although he has exhibited many MLC symptoms, I believe if he does go this route he has clarity around the situation. 

My H also kept OW secret, so I doubt an exit affair.  He stayed with me 3 months post BD.  I honestly believe he was feeling old and it was all too easy for him, she was young, living in our rental, he was working on the house....they fell in 'lurve' (ugh). 

MLC or Exit affair - I don't think it makes a difference, we still feel like cr*p, but I appreciate the opportunity to discuss it.  Exit affair certainly makes sense that they want us to do the D, that way they don't suffer any more guilt.

[in it]

From my perspective if anybody should have been looking to get out of that marriage it should have been me.

The ex had it pretty good as far as I'm concerned. All he did was piss and moan and complain about just about everything. Rant and rave or walk around in sullen silence.Run his mouth about all the $hit he was going to do and never did. A dreamer.

 Make promises he didn't keep.

He was always right and could not entertain anyone elses ideas or thoughts about anything. If you agreed with him he was all set. If you didn't you better be prepared for a fight. It got easier just not to say anything. If I did have another way to look at something he's say " Who told you to think like that" Like I couldn't have an orginal thought. There was no negotiating or compromise.

Pre-divorce: His mother wanted to get a different car. He was looking at Lincoln's  Sure she could afford it but why would you guide her in that direction?  The depreciation of a car like that is ridiculous.

I asked him that in front of her "Why would you point her in that direction?". He did change gears and get her an economical more easily afforded car.

Post Divorce: He found a gold Jag on craigs list and wanted to buy it and me to drive it. It was older and about 7 grand. I told him. "I'm not driving that ridiculous thing"

Not because it was older..it was just because I simply wasn't interested in getting a car that parts cost a fortune for. But I couldn't say that because he'd figure out a way to prove me wrong.

 The things he did do were pretty half-assed at home. Then looked around for someone to blame. Which was usually me. He was enough to piss off the pope.

He had a guy throw a chisel at him at work one time. It stuck in a wooden cabinet right next to him.

The exow and him deserved each other.

I stayed mostly because of the kids.

[Thunder]

No run away affair or exit affair  My X just wanted a D and his freedom.  He never waivered or waited for me to D him.
It was all his idea and his doing.