[LettingGo]

OMG Standing.... I hate that you're bd was recent.  . But you will make it and get your desired outcome..  you have "All Th Right Stuff" ..... know that wHen he pressures fur divorce ir I s all her and give her the middle finger! ! They are glad when you politely say NO...SECURITY!!!

[Albatross]

“When someone seeks," said Siddhartha, "then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

All is there. They compulsively wanna be happy. They are happiness pursuers - seekers. They are severely depressed and their life is firetrucked up. To live, they pursue happiness like drug addicts pursue "happiness" using drugs. They are severely unbalanced and unstable. They thinks that they have "nothing to lose", because they see own life as failure. And they are very afraid of getting old because their life already totally unworthy. So, what will be in the future ? Only can be worst. So, what a hell they "can lose" ? They chose to fallow their "dreams", in fact being totally selfish. They probably knows that they are destructive to self and family, but they do not care about self, why they then care about everyone else.

OW/OM are just their drugs.

[panda]

Taken from a text I found just before bomb drop:

H: 'You are undeniably and truly beautiful'  yuk....remember this was early on before their PA was discovered.

OW: 'I am glad you still think that.  I really worry that you wouldn't like me if you constantly had to see me with no make up on'

So what is she saying?  Found this rather funny. 

[SSG]

“When someone seeks," said Siddhartha, "then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

All is there. They compulsively wanna be happy. They are happiness pursuers - seekers. They are severely depressed and their life is f*cked up. To live, they pursue happiness like drug addicts pursue "happiness" using drugs. They are severely unbalanced and unstable. They thinks that they have "nothing to lose", because they see own life as failure. And they are very afraid of getting old because their life already totally unworthy. So, what will be in the future ? Only can be worst. So, what a hell they "can lose" ? They chose to fallow their "dreams", in fact being totally selfish. They probably knows that they are destructive to self and family, but they do not care about self, why they then care about everyone else.

OW/OM are just their drugs.

Thank you Albatross!  This needs to be pounded into my head daily, for those moments I blame myself.

[Hmmm]

I am in the unusual situation of being able to observe an affair in its dying days and a very high energy replay MLCer at work.

He's a colleague and has been a good friend for years, we chat a lot and socialise together as we share a lot of interestsand .20 months ago he was in a full PA with another woman at work. They used the toilets/offices etc for sex. He started to feel 'obliged' to sleep with her and thinking she would tell his wife, he admitted to the affair.  His lovely wife kicked him out and now he lives in a tiny flat. Does have the kids a lot though

He tried to turn the affair into a relationship but couldn't make it work as everything reminded him if the kids and how much family meant. I've seen him cry at work lots about it.

He's slept with her a few times since. She's interesting to watch. She hates me chatting to him and cycles between ignoring me and fake smiles.

She often says to him 'why can't you just love me' and he sometimes succumbs as he says the sex is great. This week he has stopped replying to her texts. She immediately made a big thing of a date with someone else and then hounded my friend saying she will ruin him.

Tonight he went out with a 22 year old admin girl. I warned him it's going to be hard to avoid both ends of the building at work! He's admitted he's MLC. Real narcissist but lovely bloke to chat to, very open and easy to connect to. He dates a lot of women and has many female friends. Drinks a lot. Runs constantly and plays in a band. When he stops he becomes really depressed.

He's had an eating disorder and a friend die of OD.

We are analysing his issues as I learn more about MLC.

The key point is he has been begging his wife for forgiveness for the whole time and she will not entertain the idea.

I am in daily dialogue with him so if anyone wants insight into their mixed up brains I think he'd be happy to answer any questions.

[in it]

Have you ever asked him what he's running from or what he's afraid of or if he thinks he's missed something in his life?

[Hmmm]

We were chatting about our childhoods last Sat while I was out of the house letting my H be alone with the kids.

He thinks he's a narcissist because his mum was in hospital a lot as a child. Every time she was home he craved attention and felt insecure like every time he saw her would be the last.

He dresses very young like a pop star and being 40 last year was hard for him.

His wife is really sensible and is a lecturer. She had no sympathy for his eating disorder before the affair. I think he just craved an emotional connection and has admitted it makes him feel attractive when he's successful with women. Also he told me on sat that his wife always made him use condoms.

I'll ask him what he's running from.

It's funny as we were at a work's do on Fri and he kept thinking OW would turn up. She went elsewhere with her dept and another man. I said ' let's try to just act like grown ups and stop this whole inner child attention seeking' he agreed and we had a really nice night chatting to all the staff. After I'd gone he hooked up with the 22 year old. It happens a lot. He feels sad going home on his own. When I'm with him he's more like his normal self.

[hobo1]

Arggh

Thanks for posting....  Did he ever talk about no longer feeling in love with his wife?  I know he's been try to get back together with her but did he feel that he didn't love her?

[Hmmm]

I'll ask.

I mentioned how I think of my H sexually more than ever at the moment and he says he doesn't think of his wife that way at all (she had a selfie of fb that was nice and he said how pretty she was once).

Maybe she became a mother figure to him? I sometimes think that about my marriage as my H's mum was inadequate

I've been thinking about this a lot and would like to point out that I worked in a different building to him before last year so didn't know him so well before his affair (but had seen his band and chatted a few times a year at parties and meetings). We became closer once H left me as he had been through it. I can see how easy it would be to form an EA/PA with them-they look to you for help and are vulnerable. I would never sleep with someone who has been with so many girls though, I know him too well!!!

[bipolared]

I'll ask.

I mentioned how I think of my H sexually more than ever at the moment and he says he doesn't think of his wife that way at all (she had a selfie of fb that was nice and he said how pretty she was once).

Maybe she became a mother figure to him? I sometimes think that about my marriage as my H's mum was inadequate

This is of great interest to me as i am the same way!  My H sometimes seems pretty attracted to me, or at least complimentary but it is like he would prefer me to be his kids' mom and nothing else sometimes.  Also, does he speak of anger towards his wife?  Like he resents that she may be getting on with her own life?
Thanks for posting all this, very interesting insight.