[Returned]

Right now I am almost at the four year anniversary of bomb drop, and it has brought me great anguish.

Recently an old friend asked to see me, and when we spoke she began to question me in great detail about my MLCer. I have always been a transparent person and I answered her questions honestly and without hesitation. It was only with a slip of the tongue she made at the very end of the interview that it dawned on me that she was simply interrogating me on behalf of the OW, and that my replies would be immediately relayed to OW for her own purposes.

OWs are nothing if not controlling, and they constantly scan the environment for any sign that they are not in absolute control of the MLCer. The information I provided was used to berate the MLCer, who of course has cut off all communication. If there is one thing the OW does not want is for the MLCer to maintain any form of communication with the family that loves them.

I am profoundly sadder and wiser that someone I believed to be my long term friend has participated in this and all I can say is:

An OW is capable of anything. One must not let one's guard down. Even if one has lived ones entire life openly and honestly they are capable of sending intermediaries to gather information which can be twisted and distorted in order to inflict further damage on your relationship with your MLCer. Caution with who you open your soul to and what information you provide.

[Ready2Transform]

I'm so sorry, LJ. We really learn who our friends are through this. I agree with all sentiments. These people are, in the words of my friend (who maintained contact with the OW for awhile because she "wanted to see how it played out"), "Not like us." I gladly accept that, and protect myself accordingly.

[Returned]

Hi I would like to hear how the Class of 2011 are doing....if your BD was in 2011 where is your MLCer right now? High energy replay? Vanisher? Reconnecting? Still with the original OW? Does your MLCer have a job? Has he moved away? Do you still have contact with him?

[Thunder]

Hi long!   

I'm in the class of 2011.

Update after 5 years?

- X is much more himself now.  All repay antics are over with.
- We see each other and we seem to be building a new relationship.
- Never found an OW.
- He still lives in our house, I have been in an apartment for a few years and quite happy here.
- Still at his same job.
- Still see some confusion and memory loss but it's getting better.
- He went thru a few dark depressions, but that too is much better.

Still taking one day at a time.

How about you?   

[Ready2Transform]

Hey there, classmates (Or alumni? Are we done? )!

where is your MLCer right now? High energy replay? Vanisher? Reconnecting? Still with the original OW? Does your MLCer have a job? Has he moved away? Do you still have contact with him?

- Replay, but doesn't seem to be as high energy
- Vanished for several years, but we've been back in contact since October off and on
- Contact (via email) has progressively gotten a bit softer and for the first time, he's initiated recently
- Married as far as I know to the OW (taking it at face value)
- I don't know if he's employed right now, but he's got money problems either way
- May be in school, don't know what he's studying for sure
- Lots of drama in home life (OW's three adult children live with them; one is transitioning gender, one is pregnant, and one is on probation for acts against their neighbor)
- Still lives two states away (7 hours or so by car) and does not seem to return often to visit family
- Is still doing the "manly man" persona and is still part of fringe political and gun groups

[TrustingMyHP]

lj,

Great thread idea!

My ex (I don't refer to him as an MLCer as I'm no longer a believer) is not only still with his original OW, he married her last summer.  This is the beginning of the 8th year of their relationship. They got married after having lived together for 4.5 years. They moved in together immediately after the January, 2011 BD.

He's an entrepreneur and is involved as a principal in a high-tech start-up.  His financial sitch has improved considerably in the past 18 months. He lives about 40 miles from me.

Since his marriage he's "reached out" to me more. (I think he finally feels safe from me!!) Nothing big. He wished me happy birthday last month via text. I ignore all communication except business and financial. I'm cordial/civil but do not engage in any chit chat or "updating." He's told me in an email that he wishes we could talk and "check in" with each other from time to time.  No way.  That's just an invitation to hurt I don't need.  (My daughter tells me he's "desperate" for my attention. Isn't that sad )

Last saw him nine months ago for a coffee meetup to discuss financial issues (which I initiated.) He hugged me when we were walking to our cars and told me he loved me. The depths of his narcissism and cluelessness as to the damage he's done are unfathomable. 

He became someone I don't know, nor want to anymore. In fact, I sometimes doubt if I ever really knew him.

TMHP

[Antigone]

Hi TmHP,

the first paragraph of your post is like a punch in the stomach to all of us who wish to see the alienator vanish as fast as she showed up. : (
Oh well, anything can happen I guess.
But tell me: what do you mean you are "no longer a believer"?
 
Thank you,

xx

Antigone

[in it]

Class of 2010 into 2011

-As far as I know exow is still gone.(Initial relationship lasted 8 months)
-no job
-owns his home
-lives with his mother and my youngest D within minutes of a walk to where I live.

Total NC initiated by me in 2013.

The only way I could save what was left of my sanity. I also believe this was not an Mlcer I was dealing with.

[handpuppets]

5 Year Update
----

• Still with the same job/company but he seems more stressed out.
• Relationship with OW1 ended six months before D became final (learned about her ~1 year after BD though I suspect she was there lurking in the shadows before BD); began dating OW2 four months after D and broke up with her/she moved out about a year and a half ago. Appears to be out of Replay.
• Is struggling with anxiety and his health; complains of extreme fatigue. Doesn't seem better off today than before BD.
• We spend a lot of time together as a family and (IMHO) co-parent better than most.
• Definitely reconnecting but no clear signs of being on the path to restore the marriage.

[LaughLoveLive]

BD Dec 2011 so I just make it into the Class of 2011.  Lucky me 

My H divorced me about 2.5 years after BD so about 18 months ago
H (or I should say XH but i still find that difficult) moved in with his OW as we D'd.  Its been the same OW the whole time.
she is his secretary, i suspect EA prior to BD quickly becoming PA afterwards and certainly PA within 6 months.
they live with her kids, my (our) kids don't visit much.  D20 sees him the most, D14 stood her ground and has refused to stay overnight with him once he moved in with OW. Their relationship is very strained.

he tries to push 'happy families' onto the girls, especially D14.  OWs kids are around the same age.  Apparently OW just wants everyone to be happy together so D14 should "just join in".  I hear lots of info from the girls suggesting their relationship is not all happy Utopia but he shows no sign of moving on.  He did once admit that OWs kids were 'his karma'. 

He suspect he is still wracked with guilt and don't believe any movement will be made unless he can move beyond that.  He does nothing to actively deal with what has happened, the impact etc.  No insight or introspection - not that I would see that I suppose.  I am still unsettled whenever I see him, which is rarely and usually reasonably pleasant.

Its just better to not see him and carry on living my own life.  My daughters and I are nicely content just the three of us.  I can't imagine him ever being part of this family again.  Gosh it sounds like I should change my status to "done"