[xyzcf]

This is not an article about MLC but it talks about how memories of traumatic events are stored differently than normal memories and I think that it is possible, that a traumatic event in the childhood of the MLCer may be relived in some way many many years later in life, perhaps being suppressed for that long.

I certainly understand that the memories for the LBSer of BD, finding out about the affair and the other painful things that occur are stored in our brain as trauma...and that is what makes it so hard for us to shake free of the emotions that are attached to the memories.

https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/christine-blasey-ford-s-memories-brett-kavanaugh-are-30-years-ncna913511

[Anjae]

The LBS trauma comes from a specific event: BD. People go in MLC, but, for many, there does not seem to be a specific event/reason. Something from the past alone would not lead to MLC.

When their crisis ends MLCers also don't seem to have a clue about what lead to the crisis. Or most of them don't.

That woman remebers events. Or part of those events. As said in the article, memory does not store everything.

It is more than the trauma being stored in the brain, it is also stored in the body and genes. However, keep dwelling in those memories does not help brain or body since it provokes more trauma and damages.

"One focus of my work is understanding how the timing of stress influences long-term memory. In studies over the past decade, I have observed that stress enhances memory for information that is presented around the time of the stress, while impairing memory for information that is presented long before or after the stress."

For LBS, BD. For the MLCer who knows. Real life MLCers I know don't recall any special issue from the past/childhood that could had been the cause of their crisis. They also don't call it MLC, they tend to call it their depression/when they were not well. For me MLC come with a lot of stress and BD, that was another stressor. I don't recall anything from my childhood or adolescence to have anything to do with it.

The problem for LBS is that we keep re-living/are always thinking about it which does not help our brain, body or genes. And, in many cases, we are also constantly being reminded of what happened because the MLCer now is monster and/or lives with OW/OM, has left us with financial problems, etc. or because the MLCer keeps doing more and more things that affect us. Like court/divorce, like solving those, or divorcing in nasty ways or having a child with OW/OM and so on.

MLC keep affecting us long after BD.

To our brain body and genes it may make more sense for us to quicky divorce and distance from the MLCer, removing ourselves from the situation as fast as possible and keep the MLCer away. The stress MLC causes us is very damaging and has long lasting consequences of all sorts. Especially if we remain married/close to the MLCer.

[FromAbroad]

Good article, xyzcf.  So very true.

I think the other thing is, when your spouse dies you can get closure.
If they reject you, for someone else, you don't get that kind of closure.

I agree. The fact that I didn't had a chance at closure is killing. And not knowing if it will ever happen doesn't help. It really is like a missing child.

To our brain body and genes it may make more sense for us to quicky divorce and distance from the MLCer, removing ourselves from the situation as fast as possible and keep the MLCer away. The stress MLC causes us is very damaging and has long lasting consequences of all sorts. Especially if we remain married/close to the MLCer.

Also very true. They just keep adding fuel to the drama and the trauma has no time to heal. Not that they even understand that they gave us a trauma. When my W told me I should start dating again I told her I don't want to and I am not even close to being ready for it, that I have huge trust issues atm and don't know if I can trust anybody that soon again. She just said: "So that's my fault?" They just don't understand. Again no closure whatsoever.

[Anjae]

They just don't understand.

No, they don't understand and they don't have a clue about what they did to us and themselves. If they did, they would not be having a MLC.

As for closure, they don't give it to us, but we can decide to end things with them for good and move on with our lives. Be it on our own or with someone else.

[Treasur]

And if they sometimes understand, right now they don't care. Because if they did, they would have to take responsibility for it. Much easier to blame or deny or avoid.
Put simply, an MLC spouse is content for anyone else to pay any price for them to feel better
It's not right...but it is often how they behave

[Anjae]

And if they sometimes understand, right now they don't care.

Not certain they understand the trauma they are causing. They often know what they are doing, like he affair is wrong, but that does not mean they understand. They don't even seem to know the real reason they are having an affair.

Put simply, an MLC spouse is content for anyone else to pay any price for them to feel better

Again, not certain. Are they even content? The irony is that they do not fell better. They will just fell worst and worst. And they will tend to carry on with MLC live and throwing things at the LBS. In vain hope it may make their problems and how they feel go away.

They don't understand that stot, be on their own, look for help (I am not talking about the LBS, professional help) would have far better results.

[xyzcf]

Treasur posted this link about PTSD after divorce. I wanted to make sure it was listed here as well

https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2018/09/26/ptsd-after-divorce-2/

[Anjae]

From the article about PTSD and divorce:

"My body quaked from the aftershocks of the sudden trauma" and "he 21-word incoming message read: “I am sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way but I am leaving you and leaving the state.”

I think PTSD comes if a divorce is sudden, not with an amicable divorce decided by both partners. The artcile clearly talks about something that was a surprise to the wife.

We are always saying divorce causes PTSD, I think it would be more accurate to say that some divorces, especially sudden ones like MLC ones, cause PTSD.

Also from the article: "The trauma is stored in the body as well as the mind." This is very important, the body all stores trauma.

In fact, and that has been happening to be for a while, the mind no longer feels the trauma, but the body still reacts poorly to some things.

The reason I don't want contact with Mr J it that my body does not react well. My mind can go back to BD and all the many nasty things Mr J has done since, nothing happens.  Contact with him, even e-mail, my body has different reactons, none of them good.

However, my body had no reaction when I saw him briefly in January. Maybe because it was social setting and I was not on my own.

[31andcounting]

Very interesting Anjae and I’m sorry that you deal with this. I find it happens to me also and may not ever completely heal. 
I guess I’ve just accepted it now.

(Hugs)
31

[Thunder]

31.

I agree with you.  I don't think it ever goes away.