[dogwalker]

Thanks xyzcf. very usefull

[stayed]

Drowning people, drown people! So true. Great analogy. Thanks.

[HeartTattoo]

XYZ,

I am so glad you are making good progress in your therapy. Your unconscious brain, your soul, understood "Drowning people drown people" before your conscious brain did, as is so often the case. The awareness now helps you heal.

How can we not have those cords, those connections? After so many years? After so much evidence of a good marriage? Those bonds that now hurt us have to be frayed away, one filament at a time. We cannot let those bonds drown us. Of course, the bonds are never completely broken--too many memories, our children, our continued love & concern for our spouses. But those bonds have to be stretched out to such thin & distant ones that the connection can no longer threaten to drown us.

Hugs,
HT

[xyzcf]

HeartTattoo:

How can we not have those cords, those connections? After so many years? After so much evidence of a good marriage? Those bonds that now hurt us have to be frayed away, one filament at a time.

This was also said, almost in the exact same words in therapy. We think the passage of time will heal us, or that we will forget or perhaps they have hurt us so deeply that we do not want them in our lives.....but these invisible cords/threads/bonds tie us to each other forever.

I am not sure why that doesn't have an effect on the MLCer as well.  But I think it is something in their brains that doesn't connect their emotions to their memories...whatever has "caused" the crisis continues to prevent the "normal" concern that one has for other human beings, let alone the concern that should still somehow be there for someone they once loved.

Of course I had knowledge already of these cords...I just never realized how deep they are.

Incredible, that love can cause so much pain. But thank you, yes, I am in an upward curve...the good thing about life is it is never stagnant.

[BrenM]

but these invisible cords/threads/bonds tie us to each other forever.

I am not sure why that doesn't have an effect on the MLCer as well.

Totally agree xyzcf.....reminds me of the ancient Chinese theory of the invisible red thread.....two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.

I think the Mlcer knows and feels the effects...but they just run from their feelings and reality

[serenity]

These invisible threads are my H’s reason for not wanting a divorce!  He said he doesn’t want these last threads to be cut!

So I think that says it all!

X

[Anjae]

These invisible threads are my H’s reason for not wanting a divorce!  He said he doesn’t want these last threads to be cut!

And what to you want, Serenity? Could it be that what he said was only an excuse for not having to go ahead with things adn to keep you as his backup plan?

For a very long time I felt invisible bonds with Mr J. For some reason, of late, they have vanished. For a long time, when I wake up I used to think about him. Not anymore. Even if, for some reason, he is mentioned, it is like a ghost from a very distant past is mentioned.

For me it feels like we never shared a life. I don't even understand why he used to be so important to me. Or why it used to matter to be possible to be back together, if only for work purposes. Now not even for work purposes makes sense.

Not sure what happened/changed.

[LearningIamOk]

For me it feels like we never shared a life.

Anjae, I feel the same way. I thought there was something wrong with me. We were married for 30 years when he left and I can barely remember him being here.

[BrenM]

We were married for 30 years when he left and I can barely remember him being here.

Well maybe I am the insane one 🤔🤔.  I really don't see how anyone can erase history and memories, even if they try really hard to.  Even though my Exh, the father of my four children, is now a man who we do not know, acting in a way that does not resemble the man who we loved in any form, we still remember and holds that man in high regards.   My children hurt daily, my 17 year old celebrated another birthday last week, his 3rd birthday with no birthday wish or contact from the man that he once idolised.  The man who empathised the importance of family gatherings and celebrations for birthdays.   My daughter has not been to school in over 3 years due to anxiety and depression.  She is currently under a mental health plan of specialists.  Her father, no doubt would've heard on the grapevine...but he has not reached out to her or enquired about her health.  She was his princess. 

We still reside in the family home...it is full of memories.  A lifetime of memories and love.  We still talk fondly about him amongst ourselves.  Anger and hatred does no one any good and results in bitterness.  Life is too short to live like that.

When people pass away, it is not a case of out of site out of mind.  We constantly remember the love we shared and the memories.  Spasmodically when songs come on the radio or even foods come to mind you unintentionally think of them.  I really believe that Mlcers cannot escape the reality of the memories.  Many returned Mlcers talk about how they know what they were doing was hurting their loved ones but they had no control.

Yes I do not know or understand the person in my husbands body.  He is a very selfish man who has no regards for anyone but himself.  BUT I know that my husband is still in that body.....somewhere.....whether he will make it out of the tunnel who knows....but the man who he was deserves the respect to be remembered for the loving husband, father, son, brother and friend who he once was.  Not just thrown and discarded on the scrape heap as us LBS know all about.

[Anjae]

Well maybe I am the insane one 🤔🤔.  I really don't see how anyone can erase history and memories, even if they try really hard to.

Memories fade naturally with time. It has been 12 years since Mr J left. He have no kids. It has been many years since Learning's husband left and she has a new part. Our situations are different than yours.

When people pass away, it is not a case of out of site out of mind.  We constantly remember the love we shared and the memories.  Spasmodically when songs come on the radio or even foods come to mind you unintentionally think of them. 

When our loved ones die we remember them. But it is different. Sure, some things may make us unintentionally thinks about the MLCers, and they do. But, a point comes, when it is a brief, almost non-existant moment. At least that is what has happened to me.

I really believe that Mlcers cannot escape the reality of the memories.  Many returned Mlcers talk about how they know what they were doing was hurting their loved ones but they had no control.

This thread is for old timers, people who have had a spouse in MLC for 5 years or more, it is not about the MLCer or the MLCer memories.

It is for old timers to post about our experiences. Our experiences and our journeys are far away from those still earlier on.

Of couse they had not control. Hurting someone physically, file for divorce in court, leading an affair behind the LBD back, no control at all.  Right.

RCR and HB are clear that MLCers can deliberately hurt the LBS. And I believe it. Mr J deliberately hurt me and he told me so. And no one has an affair and does not know they are having an affair and that the affair will hurt their spouse. But MLCers do much worst than having an afffair, they go live with OW/OM.

Certainly they also know they are living with OW/OM. And that such thing is hurtful.

He is a very selfish man who has no regards for anyone but himself.  BUT I know that my husband is still in that body.....somewhere.....whether he will make it out of the tunnel who knows....

If he never makes out of the tunnel than the man you knew will never exist again. I have long stop thinking that the real Mr is somewhere inside the body of MLC Mr J. 12 years of Replay? It is hard to believe the real person is still there. Even if it is, it makes little difference to me at this point.

...but the man who he was deserves the respect to be remembered for the loving husband, father, son, brother and friend who he once was.  Not just thrown and discarded on the scrape heap as us LBS know all about.

Sure. But that man is no more. It does not make sense to ignore who they have become. Bren, after 5, 7, 9, 10 12 or more years, the LBD is not discarting the MLCer, the LBS has a new life, where the MLCer is not included. At least some LBS do. You do not know if you will still feel/think the same in 1,2, 5, or more years. You also don't know how it is to hav a spouse in Replay for 5, 7, 9, 10, 12 or more years.

Some LBS reconnect and reconcile. That depends of many factors. Most LBS will not reconcile, usually because MLC takes too long and the LBS has a new life, alone or with someone else.


When I see posts like yours here and on the Vanishers thread I wonder how you, and othes, would have deal with HS when Stayed, LP, Hb, DGU and others, who were straight shooter and no-nonsense were around. They told things like they were, not rosy.

Even with RCR, when she used to post very to the point.