[LearningIamOk]

Yes, thank you Stayed and Anjae. You two have been straight shooters with me since I first landed here. I am tired of the lament that people don't feel "safe" posting. I didn't feel comfortable posting a lot of the time, early on, because I feared answers I wouldn't like. After a while, I came to respect and look forward to the replies that didn't sugarcoat things. MLC comes with very hard truths for the LBS.

Brenross, you are not familiar with my story because I stopped having a thread several years ago. I feel posters need to be open to hear all sides of a discussion. If someone feels "attacked" then the responses they received have hit a nerve. I feel that the "injured" poster should take a long, hard look inside themselves to see why the observation/comment/advice upset them. Let's face it, the truth hurts.

I never would have gotten my life back on track if it weren't for the 2x4's I was given when I needed them. It's easy to fall on the floor in a pity party wishing this never happened and remembering all the fabulous times you had as a married couple. When you are crippled by memories from moving forward and taking back your life, you need to make an effort to let go of the past.

One thing that helped me was the positive and negative reactions of my children. They were all over 21 and still living with me. They were mean and beastly when I was a sobbing mess. When I started to GAL, they started to look at me differently and became my cheerleaders. The better I got, the better they got. That propelled me even further forward.

Now, nearly 8 years into this, I am happy again. I did that by soul searching, counseling, coming here and listening to various opinions, mentoring here, and even being schooled by my mentees. I learned from everyone I could.

I am in a wonderful relationship. WRG and I have been together for over 5 years now. He shows me what a normal relationship looks like. He keeps me grounded when I want to go to Defcon 5 over the unfairness of MLC and a broken marriage. And no, I truly do not remember my xH really being in my life. It's just a distant memory.

I can look at pictures of us as a young couple, with our babies, vacations, holidays, etc., and I don't get emotional. It's just something that was that isn't anymore.

Brenross, no one here needs to wear a suit of armor and run interference and protect the poor posters who feel threatened. They will learn more by learning to stand up for themselves. Let them respond. We don't know our true strength until we are tested.

I hope you find peace in your life. I hope you find that MLC has Silver Linings you never imagined you would find. I hope you become a role model for your children as they look to you for guidance on how to navigate life and all it throws at them.

I have reached a place in my life that I am grateful for all the things I have learned from this heartache. I am grateful for all the new friends I have made here on HS and in real life. I am grateful for all of the wonderful adventures I have had that would never have taken place if not for MLC. It is surely not a path I would have chosen, but I have learned to roll with the punches and find my Silver Linings.   

[Trustandlove]

Interesting....

I am definitely an old-timer, second I believe only to Anjae in how long this has been going on.

And yes, the tone of posts has changed.  Anjae is posting how she feels now, which is different to how she felt even just a few months ago.  So the tone of her posts has changed as well.  I'm not going to get into whether if it's for the better or worse, it'd different.

I remember DGU very well, he was always very straight, and yes, his line of "what part of the word crisis do you not understand" is an important one for me.

He did manage to somehow never scold people for how they felt, he just pointed out that crisis was crisis, which is why the MLCers were behaving as they were.  And that we, as LBS, should do our best to not take it personally. 

I think it's often hard to get a tone across in a written post, we all write what we feel at the moment, including those who say that they don't feel that posters need to feel protected from feeling threatened.  And I'm sure that will come across differently than I intended it to, I really just am trying to state a fact, a situation, or whatever, I am in no way shape or form trying to say that we should or shouldn't do anything.

As for me, I always came to this site for comfort, so can well understand that reading something that doesn't provide that is disappointing.  I am completely capable of figuring my own life out, real life lets me know again and again that no one will coddle or protect me; it's here that I used to feel that I could say what I felt when I was feeling down, so I do get it when people say that they feel shot down.

I don't think anyone is trying to shoot anyone down on purpose, the truth is that we don't really know what someone is thinking when they are posting, whether they are the ones looking for comfort or the ones "telling it like it is".  Which is why I do believe that we should try to be a bit gentle. 

But again, just my opinion. 

[Mitzpah]

It's curious what upsets some does not upset others...

Although I am an old timer, due to the nature of my relationship with the father of my children in which he comes round to our house to spend time with our children (all young adults), work on motorcycles and even host bbqs  , it is difficult to say that I have forgotten him, he is part of my day to day, either by the kids referencing him or by his actual presence.

I cannot say that I 'like' things they way they are  - they are what they are and we make the best of it!

I have no control over his choices, only mine. I have my few boundaries in place and I 'feel' at peace with that.

My excellent memories of a a very happy marriage are intact and I can smile fondly at the photos or remembrances that come up. In fact, when I see or overhear other couples fighting or abusing each other with bad language, I shake my head and am sad for them because I never knew that. I was NEVER treated badly during my marriage, there were arguments, differences of opinion, misunderstandings but never abuse, aggression or any kind of violence or disrespect.

I have given up asking why and accepted that God has a reason for this and He will guide me in my life going forward. I don't have much time to think about MLC any more, I am too busy with the business of living.

I suppose that for some the memories disappearing or becoming more and more distant is healing. I think that when one enters a new relationship, it would be natural to put the memories of an earlier life aside, in the same way, if you don't have children together, it would also be very natural. I have three young adult kids who look very much like their father and have a close relationship with him, so it is natural that I am reminded of him daily!

So, even among old timers, you will see differences

[Thunder]

I agree with that, Mitzpah.

Maybe it just depends on how your H/W treated you after going into their crisis..

I have many memories of my 1st H, but unfortunately they were mostly bad memories I wish I didn't have.

[xyzcf]

All of us are different and we all had different marriages. Like Mitzphah, I cringe when I hear good friends talk to their husbands in a way I never did.

I do not forget him and my memories are vivid. They have not diminished. I have had to learn to live with them and actually, that is ok for me.

I always thought DGU should become a therapist. He would be an amazing one.

[Songanddance]

As a young Old timer (5.5 years) I find this thread really interesting.

It is good to hear from those who are much further down the road whether reconciled or not - Stayed and Anjae are 2 cases in point. 

It is good to know that whatever the outcome the LBS can heal, can grow, can move forward for self  and more importantly learn with an open mind that everyone else's experiences of the MLC crisis is different even though there is clearly a script that MLCers follow in the early days.

Yes this forum is compassionate in its outlook and for most newbies is the right place to go.  The learning the newbie undertakes is then up to them.   Several or even five years on there has to be the hope that the LBS has grown enough to no longer need sugar coated answers or an abundance of well meaning but non commital comments that don't really make the LBS think. 

Sometimes 2x4s are dealt and sometimes they may be too soon but that doesn't mean they are handed down out for negative reasons. Usually they are handed down out of frustration because we care and hate to see the LBS repeat a pattern incessantly.

I remember very clearly in my second thread Stayed whacking me "over the head" with a get real style comment. I was told that this would last at least 5 years before a turn-around and then another 5 years before reconciliation would be confirmed.   I remember writing NO NO NO!  However - that's what I needed to hear - not what I wanted but what I needed to hear.  And for that I will always be grateful.

Keep talking Anjae, LIAOK and others - how else are the young old timers like me going to learn more if you don't? 

[Ready2Transform]

I resonate a lot with your thoughts, T&L. On the topic of memories, here's some food for thought. As someone who had no children with my xH, I think what kept me stuck walking down "memory lane" was the fact that my environment was basically the same for so long after BD. I worked from home still, so always here, in "our home." But I noticed a shift in the last year or so where I remember less about our time here together than I do things that have happened since he's been gone. I added it up and it was around the time when I'd officially been here longer alone than we had together. Pets passing away from old age issues over the last three years have also taken away familiarity that would trigger memories. It happens gradually, but as you don't have things reminding you all the time, the brain keeps the new experiences closer to the top. And that's even with the contact and drama I've had with xH over the last year. I won't say I don't really remember him or our relationship, but it doesn't carry much weight in my heart anymore.

[Loyal]

I feel posters need to be open to hear all sides of a discussion. If someone feels "attacked" then the responses they received have hit a nerve. I feel that the "injured" poster should take a long, hard look inside themselves to see why the observation/comment/advice upset them. Let's face it, the truth hurts.

I never would have gotten my life back on track if it weren't for the 2x4's I was given when I needed them. It's easy to fall on the floor in a pity party wishing this never happened and remembering all the fabulous times you had as a married couple. When you are crippled by memories from moving forward and taking back your life, you need to make an effort to let go of the past.

Totally agree with this but unfortunately a fellow LBS from HS with whom I used to be in regular contact has severed all contact after telling me very adamantly that she does not want to bring her children up on her own, to which I told her and only meant it well, that she has to be realistic and any plans she makes for the foreseeable future should disclude her V as in his present state of mind he`s definitely not behaving like a F and it could take years for him to come out of his fog.

BTW, I`m probably an Oldtimer too, my ex CB, now V (living up the road with OW) MLC started in 2010 but it took me years (very slow learner) before finding out the very hard way that the advice given pn here from the Vets is invaluable and would  have faired a lot better if I hadn`t been so stubborn and thought my MLCer  was different and would come to his senses.

[stayed]

Lol Loyal, you are definitely an "old timer"!  hehehe...

Doesn't matter how long it takes, just as long as EVENTUALLY you get it and take BACK YOUR LIFE!  That's all that really matters. 

One day at a time... hugs Stayed

[Anjae]

Anjae is posting how she feels now, which is different to how she felt even just a few months ago.  So the tone of her posts has changed as well.  I'm not going to get into whether if it's for the better or worse, it'd different. ~

I also don't know if my post now are better or worst, they are indeed different.

So, even among old timers, you will see differences

Glad it is so. We're all different, we have different MLCers and different journeys.  How boring if we were alike and how impossible it would be to learn anything new.

It happens gradually, but as you don't have things reminding you all the time, the brain keeps the new experiences closer to the top

This. For those whose MLCer is always around, I don't think it happens the same way. The person is always around. Or contacts a lot, etc.

8 years, Loyal? Of course you're an Old Timer.