[Tyks]

Init, thank you. I appreciate these posts so much

[in it]

You're welcome Tkys

NC is not for everyone one and not one of the easiest roads to take..

[in it]

Found Online:

The sting of a breakup or divorce is painful and disorienting. Adrenaline courses through the body and the mind races. The suffering party thinks, “This can’t be happening.” And with that thought paramount, the individual seeks corrective action—talking it out with the ex, identifying the fix that will save the relationship, or in some way buying time through compromise, temporizing, papering over: Whatever it takes.

And yet the single best way to accelerate the healing process after a breakup or divorce is this: Stop contact with the ex.

If you are trying to recover from the end of a relationship, this advice may be difficult to accept. Your mind may already be working overtime to rationalize why it's OK for you to stay in direct contact. You may say that you have to give your ex-partner their stuff back. Or that you think it is best to keep living together, for a while at least. You may say that you have to check in on your ex’s family members. Perhaps there is a birthday coming up, or some other event. And what harm can it do to see what the ex is up to on social media? You assure yourself that you can break up and still stay friends.

In reality, the only legitimate reason for contact not to be avoided is if you have children and must communicate about co-parenting responsibilities—and even in that case, you should maintain boundaries by limiting conversation to matters pertaining to the children. Otherwise, continuing, or attempting to continue, communication with your ex will only prolong your suffering—and prevent you from beginning a productive process of letting go.

Here are four more reasons to stop contact with an ex:

1. You can't heal.

Ending a relationship is difficult, but the painful feelings are not permanent. You will feel sad, you will feel angry, you will feel a sense of shock that your life has taken this turn. As I describe in Breaking Up and Divorce: 5 Steps, these feelings are normal, and they're part of the recovery process. Eventually, if you allow it, a kind of acceptance will come into your life. However, if you persist in contacting or attempting to contact your ex, you are working against the recovery process and in favor of a self-defeating strategy of denial. This may buffer the blow but it cures nothing. It just allows you to put off fully accepting difficult feelings and your new circumstances. Confronting the difficult feelings and accepting the fact that your ex is no longer there means you are now on the path to healing. There is comfort in this and as you persist your world will grow brighter.

2. You can't let new energy in.

Even if you are not consciously aware of it, if you are still in contact with your ex, you are continuing to devote energy over to that relationship, which can no longer be what you need and want. Each time you talk to your ex, work to make contact, or think about when you will next be in contact, you siphon off the energy needed to pursue new life experiences.

3. You live off fantasy.

If your relationship has ended, then it's over: What you had with your ex no longer exists. It will never be the same. Continuing the connection means that a part of you is still hoping that in some alternate universe there is a chance you and your ex can be together and be happy. As a result, you live off moments of closeness. But each time you come in touch, you are reminded that you no longer have your ex and you face crushing disappointment all over again. This roller coaster gets in the way of real life and its actual opportunities for happiness.

4. You relive your mistakes.

Part of what is so hard about managing relationship endings is that the injured party tends to blame himself or herself. In some ways, a relationship ending should be an opportunity for personal growth. However, it is a mistake to remain, or attempt to remain, in contact with an ex in the hope of achieving a chance to do things over. Like a character in Groundhog Day, you'll wake up with the same fears and upsets about yourself as you did the day before. This is because maintaining contact keeps you stuck in limbo: You can’t be with your ex but you can’t move on. Once you let go—completely—you gain the freedom to live, mostly unencumbered by the regrets and hurts of yesterday.

[Not Applicable]

You can cut off contact with your ex and move on with your life and put your old life behind you. Whether or not your spouse wants contact with you. That's your prerogative as a divorced person.

Or you can frame it as this THING called No Contact and continue to obsess over the fact that you have no relationship with your spouse because instead you have this THING called No Contact that constantly looms large in your life.

It's like telling yourself not to think of pink elephants. All you can do in that case is think of pink elephants. What's the point of this thing called No Contact if all you do in no contact is obsess over and talk about your ex? You are maintaining your own mental one way contact with that. Is that healthy? i don't think it is moving on at all.

[in it]

.I only started the thread after I realized the kind of inhumane person I was dealing with.
Maybe no one else is dealing with this kind of person?

Anyway just about any article I find is about the same. Cut contact after a relationship ends. I'm not cherry picking here..Go look them up for yourself Goner.

I have had other relationships in my life end and I did not stay in contact with those men either.

Again if there's nothing here of any interest to you do not read this thread. No reason to psyche eval me.

[Anon]

Excellent article, in it and I completely agree with the advice for the LBS's who are no longer standing.    For those who are standing, you need to stay in some contact in order to pave the way. 

As much as I have tried to go longer, the longest consecutive day period without contact is 16 days.  The longest period without face to face contact was 10 weeks.   It was great and I very clearly saw the benefits of NC.   

Unfortunately there are still times when we need to communicate - unavoidable for now.   H did stop by a few days ago as well and there was some polite but reserved conversation.   Very brief and he was out the door.   What I noticed in the few days since, is that I've had a mini set back and lost some of the peace I had during the 16 days of NC.  Thinking about him too much again and I thought I had this under control.   A bit of weepiness too.  So I can relate somewhat to the Ground Hog day analogy. 

In my case since I am not standing, permanent NC will be the way to go and I can't wait to have exactly that.   No joint property, no joint anything and then I will get my wish.   Then .... accelerated healing.   The one problem remaining could be H trying to maintain a connection.   Minor problem because then I can just ignore him.  Better yet, I can change my phone numbers and keep him from knowing where I live.   Turbo healing.


 

[Bewildered survivor]

.I only started the thread after I realized the kind of inhumane person I was dealing with.
Maybe no one else is dealing with this kind of person?

In it I totally relate to this....I am dealing with this kind of person.  All I see is a psychopath right now so going no contact is better for MY emotional well being so that I'M ok for my children.  I guess I'm just stuck on the fact that my H was never inhumane before- in fact the opposite. If he was always bad then I actually think it would be easier.

I still can't get my head around what no contact actually means? I don't know what kind of contact I have with H. We have had no direct conversation for months. Since finding out about OW last October I have never initiated contact unless necessary, although it's only the last few months that I've stopped sending lengthy emotional messages in response. He used to come to the house to see the kids every morning and evening but after court next week apart from drop off and pick ups with the kids there will be even less contact.  RCR talks about not recommending no contact as you can't pave the way.  However I don't think even with contact H is able to see anything. Today when he dropped the kids he was extremely agitated and anxious around me. He struggled to ask me a simple question about his post and when he asked he was full of anger and hate just looking at me....and of course the whistling started as soon as he saw me.  I intellectually know that he's struggling because he doesn't want the feelings he has when he's around me and probably wishes he felt indifferent but for my self esteem and mental health I just can't deal with it...It's emotionally abusive and the only way to protect myself is to go no contact.

Not sure if anyone can tell what kind of contact mine is with H as I don't think it is no contact (still see him more than I want to).

[Thunder]

I'm sorry mitten, but your MLCer IS emotionally abusive. 
Some of they need to be cut off at the knees.

In It knows I'm not a fan of NC, but when it is necessary I have no problem being honest and telling someone it is the best solution for them.  Abuse is abuse.

Mitten, maybe try to get the kids dropped off by someone else, or some place else so you don't need to see or talk to him.

Let him Monster or hate somewhere else.  You need peace...and peace right now is away from him.

[in it]

I agree I don't think anyone when they started this site was an advocate of abuse. Or expects anyone to put up with it.

And Thunder is right Mitten. Try to make different arrangements. There is no need to put up with abuse in the hopes it restores your family or wakes the Mlcer up. That's not the sacrifice you need to make. Don't sacrifice your self worth or self esteem or dignity for the likes of these people.

And paving the way as I see it can be your life the example you would want your children to look up to if possible. If by some unavoidable choice they make they happen to repeat the same thing. God forbid.

If someone wants to continue to make things easy for grown adults by paving the way maintaining some sort of communication? More power to them.
 
Personally that part of my life is over for me..I forgave myself for accepting such horrible treatment

You are doing great Anon.

 You can forgive them and not have another thing to do with them.

[Anjae]

If this thread upsetted me, I would have said so.

I don't communicate with Mr J. He has been sending one, or two e-mails, a year since 2016. Pratical stuff that requires a couple of words to reply.

I'm not saying the way I had to do it would work for everybody.

It does not work for everybody because most have different situations.