[bluerose]

   There you go.


Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10310.0

[nah]

The clanishers of the vanishers!! ( I forget who came up with that term but I love it)

It just shows for those of you that had a spouse just disappear, you are not alone AND it’s normal to have a million questions that keep spinning in your mind.

19 threads and still going strong.

[Treasur]

Most of us with (mostly) vanishers, while grateful to not have the mind**kery of monster boomerangs, maybe live for a bit longer with doubt about MLC because the crazy is not so visible. Initially, I definitely felt as if I was 'less' somehow because my h deemed me not worth a conversation, explanation, apology or even a goodbye. It is quite brutal when a long-term spouse goes poof and I think it took me longer to see the difference between old h and new in that kind of vacuum. And it hurt like hell when people on HS said that vanishers are least likely to reconnect. Now I see that it is just different versions of a s$it sandwich and there is a peace in absence which is much less exhausting than the pop-up rollercoaster that others have had more of than me. And maybe it makes it more obvious that, as sane decent grown ups don't do this, the broken bits are about them not us.

I suspect their 'vanishing' is more about their cowardice and guilt like the one of the famous monkeys with hands over their eyes screaming internally 'if I can't see it, it's not there' than who we are or even who were to them. Really they just run away from the hard uncomfortable stuff of life, I suppose. No idea if my xh thinks of me at all but there is anecdotal evidence that some vanishers do. But still brutal and damaging to one's sense of reality to be ghosted by a spouse of many years as if you were an unfortunate short-term hook up 

[bluerose]

      The coward used to say " out of sight,out of mind." He obviously lives by that now. One of his new 10 commadments.

[Thunder]

Would that be like the one "Thou shall not commit Adultery?"   

[bluerose]

    Haha Thunder. I dont think so. I dont think your h had an ow, correct me if im wrong.  Its not adultery if he didnt feel like he was married anymore. That changes the rules about being faithful.

[Treasur]

Just got back from a walk and found myself musing on the following question...
If you have a Vanisher, does it matter if it is MLC or not to you?

I can see why in the immediate post-bd shock, it matters because we are so blindsided and want hope or reassurance that it isn't our fault maybe, and that we are not insane.
And I can see why it helps for those who are trying to navigate dealing with their spouses behaviour on a regular basis.

But does it matter with a spouse who ran away and is never/ rarely in contact?
Practically for me, my new normal is just the same if my h had MLC or if he ran off because he decided he no longer loved me or wanted a different life/wife....either way, running away is a immature selfish cruel thing to do to your spouse isn't it? And unless I was so horrible or scary that I was impossible to talk to ha ha, still not my fault.

[nah]

Actually, regardless of “type”, I’m not sure if MLC should matter for any of them.

What is MLC anyways and is it even a real thing?  Usually if the subject comes up, even people on here often can’t agree.

Some kind of depression?  That’s what makes most sense to me, but it still doesn’t matter, unless he reached out for help.

[Ready2Transform]

    Haha Thunder. I dont think so. I dont think your h had an ow, correct me if im wrong.  Its not adultery if he didnt feel like he was married anymore. That changes the rules about being faithful.

My xH argued this one too me while we were still married. Once they decide it's done, they're free.

I can see why in the immediate post-bd shock, it matters because we are so blindsided and want hope or reassurance that it isn't our fault maybe, and that we are not insane.
And I can see why it helps for those who are trying to navigate dealing with their spouses behaviour on a regular basis.

I absolutely agree Treasur. I knew from my dad's divorces that likely once everything was final we would never see or hear from each other again (especially since he ran thousands of miles away). I didn't expect that to happen before the settlement was reached, as I thought the courts themselves would turn the wheels (spoiler alert: nope!). You feel like there is the suspension of your life while you're still bound to them in some way. But it's healthier in some ways to just keep rolling with it and not worry about what they do, what might be happening, etc. Just get on with living without them. MLC or not, if you live for the knock at the door you're giving away your most precious asset, which is of course, time. There are no guarantees for anyone, no matter how predictable any syndrome or crisis is. 

[Rising Phoenix]

I do think Mlc is a crisis due to the nuclear fallout and odd behaviours but in the end the outcome is the same, just takes longer and follow the yellow firetrhcking road!!
I had a clinging boomerang who changed to a vanisher. For me and this is purely on how I feel, I do prefer a vanisher apart from one part. As a clinger h was in my face and his confusion, tears, multiple returns and lies, boy could he suddenly lie, took such a toll on myself and my children. I felt anxious and desperate all the time. A nervous wreck but at the same time I could see what was coming. I prefer the peace of a vanisher but I have no idea when or what is being thrown at me next.
I do wonder when the next bomb hits, will it hit harder or not. I’m hoping not as for me I have grown much stronger without a depressed, crying, mean , blaming man constantly wearing me down. Xx