[Ausgatorgirl]

So just got served with court papers from my vanisher. He has said our marriage irretrievably broken down. Just a warning to other LBS that ANY emails or words you send them in regards to the relationship will be used by their lawyers against you. I had written a lovely email before new years to say wish you well for 2018 and I am sorry about any mistakes I made during our marriage (trying to open dialogue with him). THIS was used that I agreed that our marriage was in trouble; plus I wrote him a nasty email saying he is screwing around with men, and yes, this has turned up in the court documents.

So to you all there, not only zip ya lips, but try not to send nasty grams or write anything that can be used to say the marriage was already over......I don't regret any of it and I am surprised he obviously sent all emails to his lawyer from me......aaaweeee, such a 'nice' guy he is.

Coward my daughter says.

In the court documents it says whether I want to attend in court (he has opted for NO). I wondered if it was worth flying to Melbourne to attend so I can have closure. Is it worth standing there proudly or does it do no good.

 Any thoughts?

Aus

[Unraveled]

He had to pay the lawyer to review those emails.

He has to live with the fact that those are now in what I assume are public documents.

But you are right that everyone here should view every text/email/letter as a potential exhibit.  Usually even after divorce there can be modification to custody/support, etc. (read more litigation where these things can be used against you) that still suggest that the less said the better.  Also though keep in mind that courts know this is a tense and difficult situation and that people often get off kilter in these times.  Look to your lawyer for advice, but likely he won't get much mileage from this.  Just learn your lesson and move forward.

[Ausgatorgirl]

Thanks Unraveled....yes, its cost him more than money.

I spoke to his sister whom I have had very limited contact. She said she saw him a month ago in Melbourne. Says he is just the same brother that they know, speaks highly of our children, and only saying that he is just getting to know 'himself' and she doesn't think he has AP on the scene. I asked her if she knows where he is living....silence. She said no she doesn't only that he mentioned he is renting from a friend (whom I believe is the AP) and she saw no 'evidence' of another person (he picked them up at the airport and took them to their hotel).

One minute I think maybe this is and Exit affair not MLC, but then again when I write things like that.....it still sounds like everyone else's experience (different but the same)! A friend who went out drinking with my H, 8 months before he ended our marriage said he spoke lovingly about me and 'wanted to make me happy'. Doesn't sound like someone who was thinking of leaving his marriage.

However I try and rearrange it in my head....it still doesn't work out and probably never will. I can see why it takes us LBS years to get over this, I thought I had this handled but triggers starting for first time really with legal documents. Especially seeing emails being twisted around to look like I 'knew' the marriage was irretrieveable and completely over. I never sent emails saying I wanted to work on my marriage either.....because he was so adamant he was done. I know in a couple of days I will be fine....but I think it will be painful for a long time. Going to read some Chump Lady now to get my mojo back.

[Rising Phoenix]

H has printed off all emails I have sent him to use against me. I tried to open dialogue for our kids sake last night and now we will never speak again. Evil man xx

[Milly]

Yes, everyone be careful with anything you write, or say even, because they learn to provoke and record you. They become the most unbelievable, schemers, the evilest people you've ever had to deal with, except for the OW, who can be even worse.

They will use anything against you because they know they don't have a real case. Their lawyers believe them at first, but eventually they see through them, too.

Ausgatorgirl, I wouldn't worry about your email admitting any mistakes, that just shows people (lawyers, judges) that you are a normal person who can admit their faults and who would like to open up a dialogue. And if ever questioned in court about it, you can say just that.

About going to court for closure, I hadn't thought of it that way. I remember dreading and being terrified of that first separation hearing, but then it wasn't that bad, and it did take away the 'scary' from the whole thing. Also, if I were him and knew that you would be present while he was not, that would make me anxious thinking that you would get to put more points across.

His not wanting to be present shows how scared he is of the whole D thing, too.

[Ausgatorgirl]

Thanks Milly, I needed that feedback....xx

[Rising Phoenix]

I sent emails saying I wanted to work on my marriage and that he needed to see the kids. I did rant in some as I was so frustrated that I got no reply even with our children. That has come back to bite me in the a$$. Xx

[Rising Phoenix]

There is no point in trying to reason with h. I don’t think I will even bother informing him of the children as h said he can walk away if they won’t intergrate into his life and new family. Complete nc is the only option xx

[Treasur]

You may need to do basic factual info if the divorce is still ongoing RP to show that you have behaved reasonably and are not alienating the kids, but that really is a bare minimum...so, telling him your son was in x hospital and why but without any suggestion on what your h should do or how you feel about anything. Just the facts as UM said on another thread.

Where are you at with the divorce process?
And what is the best way to give him basic or emergency info - I found email best bc I could bc it to my L if I needed to, and when xh did crazy text rants, I just replied the next day by a short email - but reduce your contact to almost nothing?
You sound angry - which is ok - but you need to let your actions be driven by colder logic in a divorce process perhaps?

[Rising Phoenix]

I’m not angry really, I am upset though and really it is my own stupidity for still thinking he will be reasonable at some point or show me any respect or empathy.
Had the decree nisi in August and awaiting finances before absolute but h won’t do mediation and thinks he can go straight to court and then says he can’t afford it yet as I have already cost him £8000 of divorce debt.
H is currently apparently investigating his ow. Solicitor and will not inform me or my solicitor who or if he has new respresentation. I did want to wait for the finances until absolute but as divorce so far has been 16 mths, I am feeling that come jan I will apply for absolute myself. Xx