[nah]

My daughter is 28.

I have zero influence now as she has been out of my life for about four years now.

[Jackolar12]

Same here nah, it’s ripped me apart and in some ways desensitised me. Family was everything to me and now it’s all gone. I don’t know if your like me but I haven’t got the inclination or energy to start over anymore. I tried at first but reverted back to being alone. It’s silly but I still feel married to the memory of my beloved wife and meeting someone new feels like I’m betraying that memory. I’m guess I’m old fashioned in my ways and destined for singledom as it’s a safer bet.
Jack

[Mitzpah]

Thank you Anjae, I think they see me now as being ill and frail and not the Alpha male I used to be. Their protector and provider when they were younger. I love all my children but little girls are special to Daddy.

Jackolar,

As the mother of three children who are young adults, I can attest that little girls are special to daddy - it was a great joy for me to learn (24 years ago) that I was pregnant with a girl because I knew she could be very special to my husband.

I was my daddy's girl to the very end - it is less than two years that I lost mine. We had a bond like no other.

My d23 is a feisty, beautiful, strong willed girl - independent and hard working like her mother , loves her dad deeply, doesn't take too nicely to her father having an ow and a "step" daughter. She just sails on and ignores them, lol. She funded and took both her licenses at the same time - she is licensed to drive a car and a motorcycle, as she can't afford a car, she drives her father's cast off motorcycle - she and I muddle through the repairs when we can but she calls her dad when things get too difficult (I don't think ow appreciates that very much )

Do you really think that your perceived frailty is what keeps them away? - perhaps you could find something in common to draw them to you.

I was never estranged from my dad, yet he made a constant effort to be interested in all that I was - he would buy me books that he knew I would enjoy, he knew when I needed financial shoring up, he told me I was beautiful, well into my fifties when I was feeling rejected and unlovely, he enjoyed the music I enjoyed (or maybe, he introduced me to music he enjoyed?), he was a father to my husband, a guide in the dark nights of my soul - he would write me e-mails, telling me he was praying for me and my beloved. These were ways my dad loved me well!

Pray for your children always - they will benefit from your prayers

[Anjae]

You're welcome, Jack.

I am not sure I understand why now that you're frail the children avoid you. They are adults. People age, frailness and illness come. But it is complicated for me to understand because my dad died of a degenerative disease 12 years ago, days after BD. Several of my siblings, all younger than myself, looked after him.

About a year after I was back home I started looking after my maternal grandmother and did until she died eight years and a few months lates, including when she no longer had moviment and was tube feed - I tube feed her, changed her, clean her, etc. She raised me.

I am used to people becoming frail and not to get away because of it. But that is me and it may be very different for others.

Can you imagine how I felt at this time when I was hurting badly.

I can.

I end up not having a family of my own.  Mr J left when we had decided to have children. I was 37 at the time, so not much time to give it a start. I could had got pregnant from someone, not an hard thing to do, but that was not what I wanted. I wanted a husband and family.

MLCers can totally ruin lives, theirs and others.

[Jackolar12]

Hi Mitzpah, I think the children are hurt and embarrassed by their involvement and the guilt is too much to bear seeing me not well. They have said their mother broke a sacred vow, they have said their mother said I was a good man. The conflicting right and wrong messages they have endured has no doubt traumatised them and robbed them of normality. Time and probably other girls have said how they love their fathers and I think they can see the error of their involvement.

My oldest daughter who is 27 has started to crumble emotionally and has been diagnosed with social anxiety she was picked up by the police after escaping from an ambulance.She knocked the door of a complete stranger and said she was sent there to save the world. The stranger could see she wasn’t well and called the ambulance. She’s due to have therapy when she’s allocated a slot by our nhs service I told her to ask for Edmr therapy. I’ve offered to pay privately for her and I heard no more from her. I personally think she’s been misdiagnosed and has quiet border line personality disorder but no ones going to listen to me.

The domino effect has seen both my former in laws perish. I myself believe the high level of cortisol through stress in my system for years has brought me to my knees. No one wins in MLC no one....
Jack

[Jackolar12]

Hi Anjae, take a look at my post to Mitzpah for my thoughts on the girls behaviour. I can see you’ve been a good caring woman and life has dealt you some bad cards. I sincerely hope your future will be brighter and you will find someone who deserves your love. You have good solid morals and are kind and caring to others and that’s are rare commodity in this day and age.
Jack

[Treasur]

I'm so sorry about the situation with your kids, Jack.
Yes, mLC has big ripples and I'm sure you're right that no one wins at all. Even though I loved my h, I tried very hard to respond to his wish for a divorce in a way which reduced the drama and cost for both of us. Over and over for about 18 months. Never succeeded once; he was too determined to do it in an MLC way and I couldn't change that. Made no sense at all even for him rationally. So, even if he is happy with ow who is now his wife and his new life, it cost him thousands, 2 years at least of psychiatric care and every friend and every bit of 20 years of his previous life. (And not to mention me, of course, a rather fab, faithful loving w and 20 years of shared memories and friendship). Ow really needs to do handsprings and magic tricks for 20 years to make that worthwhile from what I can see lol.

It is one of the frustrating things as an LBS that we see the ripples, but it often seems as if we are the only one that does. Or the only one that cares about them perhaps.

I do hope your daughter gets the help she needs. EMDR is a marvellous treatment...extraordinary...but it sounds as if she might need some other kind of treatment first as her behaviour is quite extreme from what you describe. And i suspect other mental health problems would get in the way of EMDR perhaps.

[Jackolar12]

She’s had the one psychotic episode so if no more happens edmr might be ok. Trauma counselling I suggested but she’s gone quiet again and didn’t turn up to day for her presents, and hasn’t replied to my texts in weeks. She’s a very sensitive arty and creative girl who can get extremely emotional at times.

I think her mums undiagnosed quiet borderline personality type. The quiet bpd acts inwards instead of outwards and if I’m right it could be hereditary. She hasn’t had the save the world thing anymore as far as I know, but her mum might want me to be kept out of the loop and could be why she’s not replying to my texts, calls and emails right now. There are other things she told me that worry me but that’s another issue and you probably wouldn’t believe me if I shared it so I best consign that to the X files for now.

[BrenM]

No one changes unless they want to.
Not if you beg them.
Not if you shame them.
Not if you use reason, emotion, or tough love.
There's only one thing that makes someone change: their own realisation that they need to do it.
And there's only one time it will happen: when they decide they're ready

I came across this quote this morning and it resonates to a Mlcer.  This is the absolute truth!  Don't ever think you can love someone enough to make them change their toxic soul destroying behaviour.   You will be sorely disappointed.  I realised I could only change myself.  Work on myself.  Yes some deep soul searching to figure out why I allowed myself and our children, to be deeply hurt over and over again.  Why I allowed my precious children to live in chaos and drama.  I am still a work in progress after four years. I still have no answers...but my children and I move forward every day....if people are meant to be in our live they will be.  That is out of our control. 

[Anjae]

No one changes unless they want to.


There's only one thing that makes someone change: their own realisation that they need to do it.
And there's only one time it will happen: when they decide they're ready

Yep. What we do or don't do will not change the MLCer. And we can't control them. They also can't control us, not matter how much they try.