[Anjae]

So? So, real vanishers vanish not because the LBS cut contact or any other thing that come from the LBS. They took off at BD and that was pretty much it until the day they return out of the blue.

They also don't tend to come by when their LBS, who had contact with them, reaches out after three years and asks them to come round sort some things with their son.

There is not shortage of threads with contact with that sort of "vanishers". What we don't have is many stories with those that vanished at BD of their own free will and only made contact many years down the road.

Stayed friend's husband is one story we know of. He left, and turned up eight or nine years later at his LBS doorstep.

Yellowrose's three years mark is for NC. BD was July 2014. 4 years and seven months ago.

[nah]

So? So, real vanishers vanish not because the LBS cut contact or any other thing that come from the LBS. They took off at BD and that was pretty much it until the day they return out of the blue.

According to who?  The vanisher rulebook?

Would you call him a clinger?  A wallower? A boomerang? 

[Anjae]

He seems to be a clinger, going by the fact he come by when Yellowrose asked him to because of their S26 and also because he went by yesterday when she invited him over for the party. A real vanisher would not show. Let alone twice in such a short time.

Try ask a real vanisher to come by sort issues with adult children and over to a party. Doubt there will be much luck. Even because, usually, the LBS has no clue where the vanisher is nor any way of contacting the vanisher.

I have said it many times before, pretty much everyone on these vanisher threads doesn not have a vanisher. They have an on/off. Some have boomerangs. For some reason, on/offs seemed to have dissapeared from HS type of MLCer, but they exist.

Regardless, he didn't show because he decided to, he showed because he was asked by his LBS. Very different from a MLCer, of any type, who shows because they realize it was time to show up. Usually the LBS does not ask the MLCer to come back, let alone a MLCer the LBS cut contact with years ago.

Would you (if there wasn't a new person in your life) ask your MLCer to go by the house to sort issues with your kids? Would you ask him for a party? After three years of NC? I wouldn't.

[Nas]

I think it's a huge stretch to suggest YROT's H is a clinger.  Three entire years of no contact and then he comes over and he's a clinger?

You are ignoring one very big consideration, that he was asked to come help with something and he came.  Meaning he is not in the dark, incredibly selfish part of his crisis where he would actually refuse to help out.  If YROT had called him for help 3 years ago, or even last year, he very well could have refused or just not answered her.  This time, he responded and he agreed to help.

That to me doesn't suggest anything close to a clinger.  It suggests a man who is starting to pull his head out of his a$$, realize he is not the only one on the planet who matters and start to think of others instead of just himself. 

As for the "true vanishers," I think that's an issue of semantics.  An MLCer who doesn't contact or respond to contact is a vanisher.  That means my H is not truly a vanisher, even though he moved far away, changed his phone number while I was in chemo and NEVER contacts me.  I sent him a message to let him know I knew my dog was dead in July.  He responded immediately and kept responding for hours.  Doesn't make him a clinger, or a boomerang.  Just means he got a message and replied.

Same thing the other day when I sent him a message to let him know my mother had died.  He replied very quickly.  He's still a vanisher in my eyes. 

[BrenM]

3 years of absolute no contact...no means of contact...is not classed as a Vanisher but a Clinger?  Where is this written in the Mlc rulebook .....how many years of no contact constitutes a Vanisher?  Sorry but  YROT's husband is certainly a vanisher!

Would you (if there wasn't a new person in your life) ask your MLCer to go by the house to sort issues with your kids? Would you ask him for a party? After three years of NC? I wouldn't.

YROT did not disclose what the issue with S26 was and certainly does not need to.   It is not warranted. I logically assumed that after 3 years of NC it was of a serious nature and YROT needed assistance from the other parent. There certainly isn't anything unusual about this when your kids need help.  MLC or not...he is still a parent!

[Anjae]

You are ignoring one very big consideration, that he was asked to come help with something and he came. 

I am ignoring what I said from the start?  Read reply #70 of this thread. 

Both things are strange. That after three years a LBS breaks contact to aks the MLCer to go by and sort some issue, and that the MLCer who didn't had any contact from the LBS goes by right away.

It is also strange he accepts the invitation for the party after such a short time from the the first contact.

He may, or may not be in the most dark of his crisis. Since there has not been contact for three years, we don't know how deep is his crises or where he is on his crisis. Some MLCers never go that deep into crisis. Others do.

Lets see where it leads.

Maybe it is semantics to you. To me there is a big difference between someone who does not contact because that is what they have decided to do, and someone who does not contact because someone cut contact with them.

Your husband is most likely an of/off Nas. Just like most MLCers that, for some reason, we start to call vanishers are.

[bluerose]

     Anjae,
           If it bothers you so much that we call them vanishers, why dont you just stop reading this thread?

[Tyks]

I'd like a clear definition of a vanisher. My ex never contacts me. If I contact him ( rarely) it is only about child aupport issues. He responds.  The issue is done and contact is done. Very quick and to the point email.

Is he a vanisher or not ? There is no contact otherwise and hasn't been since he was served with divorce docs in 2017.  I call that a vanisher. 

[stillbaffled]

I don't think the term "on/off" is very accurate for most of us on this thread. 

In most of our cases the "on" is pretty non-existent.   My opinion of "on/off" would be that the "on" happens with much more frequency than what I've seen in the last three plus years. 

Maybe we should just call them runaways instead of vanishers. 

[nah]

This discussion has come up many times.  According to RCR, you can have contact with a vanisher, it's rare but it does happen.

Direct from RCR...

What Contact Type is your MLCer? These are unrelated to whether an MLCer is high-energy, low energy, Antihero or Accommodater.

Boomerang
This MLCer stays in contact--sometimes because you have children, but not always and often the children provide a convenient excuse. The contact may be Monster spew, it may be clingy and seeking reassurance, it may be cake-eating, but even when it seems they will just go away, they bounces back.

Off-and-On
This MLCer contacts in small bites, perhaps an email or other contact every few months. Touch-n-Goes are smaller or shorter than with a Boomerang. It may feel like a reopening of old wounds with each new contact which may increase during special dates and holidays. They may send gifts but offer no information other than a note--or may send no note. Touch-n-Goes where there is two-way communication are often tests and feelers to determine how you will treat them, what you want from them and whether you are judging them.

Vanisher
Is my spouse dead? You may know they are alive and how they seem to be doing because of the grapevine, or you may not. This MLCer seems to drop off the earth. They may contact on occasion, but contact is rare. Do not pursue, if you try to contact or follow your MLCer they will find a new hideout and bury themselves deeper, and blame you more. By leaving them alone you are allowing them the time to heal and to choose how they will heal even if you disapprove of their choices.
Like so many things, the Contact Types run along a spectrum with Boomerang at one end, Off-and-On in the center and Vanisher at the far end. MLCers may move on the spectrum--though they remain relatively static most of the time. When they move, they usually stay in a contact type for long periods. Some are Boomerangs in early and even late MLC but may Vanish once things seem finished--the divorce is final and either of you may have a new relationship. This may include vanishing from your children's lives.


 Nas and I (and others) are good examples of having rare contact with our vanishers.  I really don't think how the contact/no contact happens really makes that much of a difference unless the LBS makes the contact impossible, Yellow did not do this.  Yes, she made it a challenge but not impossible.  Also, if the MLCer did not want contact, he would not have responded. 
This guy is a stereotypical vanisher (the absolute no contact for life exists but are extreme and rare) and he responded to contact,...how?  Semantics. So what if it was by Yellow's request, like I said before, I requested for The Leaver's help close to BD, it was a big deal, my exact words were, "I'm afraid to leave the house and come back to find (son) hanging"...
No response.  Years later I would challenge The Leaver in a message, and he would respond or call.  It was about timing.

Yellow's vanisher probably would not have responded to her request years ago but he more than responded, he showed. 
It's kind of a big deal, IMO.