[sparklestar]

I’d say that a vanisher is a vanisher until they aren’t a vanisher anymore. I DO have a true vanisher I don’t need any rule book to tell me that.

Isn’t it obvious that someone who has vanished and remained silent for a long time may not have thought there was a way back to make contact, isn’t it conceivable that they are so ashamed of what they have done that they just stayed away. An LBS teaching out for a valid reason may have been the life line that was required, maybe he wouldn’t have ever reached out in his own or maybe he would have looked for a reason to do so. It can’t be easy to make contact again after the destruction they cause.

I don’t think it matters that this LBS contacted its obvious something’s shifted for the MLCr and the fact that there’s is conversation about memories the past etc just demonstrates so clearly that despite being away and living a different life for many years some  DO still think about it.

My therapist told me about the man she was currently working with that had stayed away from the wife he had left for 20 years but that he was desperate to go back to her - he had been married to the OW had lived a whole other life but regretted leaving his first wife and it haunted him, his reason for going so long without admitting it to himself or anyone else - ego.

[bluerose]

      Exactly tyks. These are people that we spent everyday with talking to and sharing our lives with for 20 -30 years. Then oneday it is just gone. The coward and i have 3 children together. Our youngest is a minor. We do not co parent at all. I raise her by myself. He plays daddy, half assed i might add, every other weekend. I have not had a conversation with him in probably a year or better. I do not allow him to pick up and drop her off at my house when its time for his visitation. He vanished from my life. That in my book is a vanisher. He may still be around the kids from time to time but not like he used to be. He is not the person he was before. He vanished who he was.

[nah]

his reason for going so long without admitting it to himself or anyone else - ego.

YES.

I had the rare gift of my ex actually telling me everything we want to hear... his choices haunt him, he thinks of me and the life we used to have together, EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Then what?  He married her and disappeared.  Well, I'm no Yellow.  I would not have made it easy for him to return, his fragile ego would have taken a beating.  Can't have the hockey guys and the band people laughing at him with, "I told you so's", now could he?  That's why, I believe, most vanishers don't return.

I really believe the true MLCers, especially the vanishers feel this way, no matter how they behave.  They are cowards, frightened little boys who can't face reality, so they hide because it's the path of least resistance.  They stay where they are because they don't want to admit to their friends and family that they blew up their world, and destroyed everything that was good because of their stupid ego.

Yellow's husband showed up because he wanted to show up.  His ego is still preventing him to let his mask completely fall, but he is making baby steps b/c of Yellow.  She went on with her life, she didn't try to control the situation, so he is inching towards her like a shy little kitten.  But read her thread... oh he wants to be famous, he has this cool house, forgot her birthday, blah, blah, blah... all ego.

Classic vanisher behavior but b/c Yellow is so cool, this might be a rare return.

I'm on the edge of my seat.

[Tyks]

Thanks, nah. I have a vanisher. Xh does not contact me. He only responds if I initiate contact about child support.

[stillbaffled]

.

Direct from RCR...

What Contact Type is your MLCer? These are unrelated to whether an MLCer is high-energy, low energy, Antihero or Accommodater.

Boomerang
This MLCer stays in contact--sometimes because you have children, but not always and often the children provide a convenient excuse. The contact may be Monster spew, it may be clingy and seeking reassurance, it may be cake-eating, but even when it seems they will just go away, they bounces back.

Off-and-On
This MLCer contacts in small bites, perhaps an email or other contact every few months. Touch-n-Goes are smaller or shorter than with a Boomerang. It may feel like a reopening of old wounds with each new contact which may increase during special dates and holidays. They may send gifts but offer no information other than a note--or may send no note. Touch-n-Goes where there is two-way communication are often tests and feelers to determine how you will treat them, what you want from them and whether you are judging them.

Vanisher
Is my spouse dead? You may know they are alive and how they seem to be doing because of the grapevine, or you may not. This MLCer seems to drop off the earth. They may contact on occasion, but contact is rare. Do not pursue, if you try to contact or follow your MLCer they will find a new hideout and bury themselves deeper, and blame you more. By leaving them alone you are allowing them the time to heal and to choose how they will heal even if you disapprove of their choices.
Like so many things, the Contact Types run along a spectrum with Boomerang at one end, Off-and-On in the center and Vanisher at the far end. MLCers may move on the spectrum--though they remain relatively static most of the time. When they move, they usually stay in a contact type for long periods. Some are Boomerangs in early and even late MLC but may Vanish once things seem finished--the divorce is final and either of you may have a new relationship. This may include vanishing from your children's lives.

Thanks for sharing that, Nah.  By RCR's definition, there is no way that my MLCer fits in the Off-and-On category.  There is no contact by email, phone, text.  There are no gifts, no touch and goes.  We don't have children together so no reason for me to contact him and I don't. 

Now, the definition she shares for Vanisher DOES fit my MLCer.  I do know he's alive because of the grapevine and because this tiny town has 250 people in it and every so often I meet his vehicle on the road.  I don't pursue him, he does have a new hideout and I have no idea if he's starting to "heal". 

So I guess I'm still going to say that my MLCer is a vanisher. 

[stillbaffled]

I really believe the true MLCers, especially the vanishers feel this way, no matter how they behave.  They are cowards, frightened little boys who can't face reality, so they hide because it's the path of least resistance.  They stay where they are because they don't want to admit to their friends and family that they blew up their world, and destroyed everything that was good because of their stupid ego.

You have accurately posted my feelings about my MLCer, Nah.

I don't expect him to ever leave the ugly, dark tunnel he dwells in. 

[nah]

Who knows SB, your MLCer most definitely fits in the strange behavior category.  Is he reeling b/c of his stupid decisions? 
Your vanisher might win the trophy.

[BrenM]

Thankyou Nah for posting RCR’s definition/theory. Yes sadly, querying the definition of a Vanisher does pop its “ugly judgemental” head up repetitively.  At the end of the day does it really matter...a Mlcer is a Mlcer! But then again some will question if another posters Mlcer is actually a Mlcer....It is laughable actually!

I find it totally contemptuous to every LBS of a “Mlcer” be it a “Vanisher” or “Clinger” or whatever on HS having to continuously validate that their MLCer is a Mlcer or Category of Mlcer is to others....i’m am pretty sure and confident that each LBS knows (unless they ask) what they have on their hands.  The LBS know their situation best.

Yellows post is certainly validating our theories and I for one find it intriguing and interesting. One learns so much more when they listen and take onboard all the facts rather than sitting back and judging. We all have so much to learn on MLC. Life and people are far from predicable. 

Everyone has personal theories and suppositions based on our personal MLC journey and research which we share as “opinions” to others...but we must remember that these are our opinions only.

[Nas]

Yellow’s MLCer was contacted and showed up. And actually helped. I agree with Nah, it’s a big deal.

I contacted my H the other day because my mother died in an incredibly shocking and sudden way. He responded pretty quickly. But he showed no concern for how I felt about it and only showed mild interest in the entire situation.

Actions always speak volumes over words.

[Milly]

I think there's hardly any here who have a true vanisher, as in disappeared off the face of the earth and have absolutely no idea what they are doing. The majority of us have Hs who, after an initial period of contact, are now completely ignoring us, ignore texts, no emails, some have moved far away, and appear to have completely forgotten their previous life with us.

I am interested in these stories, they are more the norm than the complete vanisher. I do think it's more semantics, as in the thread title might be slightly wrong for those of us who are participating in this thread, but if only the ones with the true vanishers were to post, this thread wouldn't have much going on.

I don't mind hearing about the versions of the vanishers. When we have one of these kinds, we know so little about what's going on in their lives, that if we hear a snippet here and there from each other, it helps. At least, I'm curious.