[Milly]

I agree with Anon, at least with my OW it is about winning my H and rubbing it in my nose and to all the people who knew us, including our whole village. She wanted me to know about them. When D21 and I had the terrible confrontation with H and OW 18 months ago, it all started when OW pushed H to enter the restaurant we were in. I mean, D21 told H that I was in there with S14, too, and OW shoved my H in the back to force him to go in anyway. I think if you're secure in your R you don't need to hurt others needlessly. Anon you describe it perfectly, the sense of winning when she got a married man to leave his wife.

[Treasur]

Actually, even more simple than that, if you are secure as a person you don't need to hurt others, control them or treat them with disrespect. Ow as a breed rarely seem to be healthy humans. Of course to be fair our spouses aren't hitting top scores on the healthy human scale either are they? It is a rare MLCer that only lies, cheats, rages and whines to the LBS...just takes a bit of detachment and time for us to see that.

[sachat3]

Anon - that’s definitely it. With my OW she defo feels the need to flaunt H on her socials. Even very soon after BD H refused to pose for photos so she would merely take photos of their shoes etc etc. Even now when he pops to see her in a evening (after seeing me and children) she’ll post his coat on a chair like “look who came to see me” or a photo of H asleep. It’s sad really. I think that’s what “scares” me the most, I can cope with a wedding I think but I do not think I could cope with H and Ow having a baby. But I know H doesn’t want any more children and is taking precautions. Well at minute anyway. Sad as it is, my H is atleast Ows THIRD man who was previously with someone she started things with. I do wonder if I was with someone else, and OW saw from snooping and in her eyes she could see I was no longer wanting H. Would that change anything. If she’s “won” a prize nobody wants. It’s this winning syndrome that makes me deeply regret sending her abusive messages as soon as I found out about her.

Treasur - your completely right. We don’t know. We can only assume. When H is over at mine late in the evening there is somebody calling his phone and he declined the calls. I can only assume it’s Ow. May not be. I can see him texting furiously looking angry. I can only assume it’s Ow.  I don’t ask. He doesn’t tell so I can only make assumptions due to his mood.

[Anon]

I do wonder if I was with someone else, and OW saw from snooping and in her eyes she could see I was no longer wanting H. Would that change anything. If she’s “won” a prize nobody wants. It’s this winning syndrome that makes me deeply regret sending her abusive messages as soon as I found out about her.

I think there is something to this.  I mean,,, how can you elevate your self-esteem by winning the election if you were the only candidate?

This has to be one of the best reasons to completely ignore the OW as well as to never mention her to your spouse either.   I don't trust my spouse with ANY conversation we have, that it won't be repeated to her.   If I spoke anything of OW, good or bad, to my spouse I'm sure it would be mentioned in a pitying way and maybe good for a few laughs for both of them at my expense. 

So my lips are zipped about her and about anything else that doesn't need to be discussed.  Even then,,, I keep it to a bare minimum. 

 

[sachat3]

Anon - Well exactly. If you’ve got something nobody else wants. You haven’t “won” much. Whilst I haven’t posted on any socials anything to do with H or Ow in a very very VERY long time. I don’t know how long the message will take to sink it. I had started to think as I hadn’t posted much in a while, that maybe Ow snooping on me had stopped I was wrong as this morning I uploaded a very positive international women’s day quote which merely stated “The women who know what they bring to the table are not afraid to eat alone” as a single mum or three children between the ages of 2 and 7. I figured it was fitting yet low and behold Ow fored off a quote which made it clear she had been snooping. Funnily enough the quote was about sleeping with men behind your back and what not. I mean hey Ow if the shoe fits but her caption was word for word the same as mine.

Luckily her name never needs to be brought up between me and H. Even when she’s posted about me. I don’t bring it up to him anymore. I did in the beginning but I haven’t in a long time.

If I knew then what I know now. When I first found out about her, I would never have messaged her the things I did. Because in that argument we had, she probably felt like “haha I’ll take him now” but you live and you learn don’t you.

[JoJoJo]

Ok reading all this about "winning" being a focus of the OW and I have to share.....my H and I are in reconciliation phase of this hot mess, we have had at length discussions about OW and what that relationship meant to him, and what it meant to her. 

He had said to me that he doesn't think that she really was "in love" with him, she would say he was her soulmate, blah blah blah.....but he said that after I filed for divorce and she was thinking she was cashing in, going to be the "doctor's wife", and he told her it had to be over....he told her that with all the deception out in the open they couldn't keep this up and he couldn't put his family through any more pain and that their "relationship" was over...

I asked if she cried, or tried to convince him to be with her and he thought about it and said "No.  She really didn't.  She was upset but she was really more angry about it" and he recalled that she mentioned that "Well I guess Jojo won!" 

He said it wasn't the first time she had used that term, about "winning" in this situation....and he said he came back with "Nobody has won here....can't you see how wrong all this was?  How many people we hurt?"  She really didn't see anything wrong with it and she left and was just pissed. 

He said he really thinks this was all a plan for her.  That to her it was all a big game to get him to leave his family for her, a conquest.  He has no doubt that she is out there doing the same thing with someone else by now! 

[Milly]

Jojo, that's really terrible. I feel that my H's OW is just like your H's one. Thanks for sharing what your H told you about her. We rarely get to hear what really goes on between the MLCer and the OW. And it helps to hear this stuff, as horrible as it is.

[Tyks]

Is it really an affair anymore when they are living together or remarried ? I don't think it can be classified as an affair anymore

[Anon]

I wonder if most OW/OM have this conquest need.   The OW in my situation is 61 yrs old, never married and my husband is at least her 3rd married man.  Dating regular available men is just not her thing.  No opportunities to boost self esteem there. 

[Anon]

Is it really an affair anymore when they are living together or remarried ? I don't think it can be classified as an affair anymore

Living together - yes, it's an affair.   Many MLCers move out from the marital home right into the AP's home.   Definitely an affair. 

Divorced and remarried - not an affair, but a tragedy.  Probably more for the MLCer than the LBS since the MLCer is now trapped in his truly shattered life.