He told me the affair was about attention and being seen. But he said he regrets it terribly. He had spoken to his first wife for an hour the previous week as he often does. He said that when he needs to speak about something it is she he calls and he cannot talk to his second wife in the same way. He felt it was about history and truly being known.
No truer words. I have noticed a lot of this personally with Beast. Coming to me with deep emotional issues. Stuff you just don't share with your ''ex'' anything. Yet here he was ignoring me day to day, but when the $h!te hits then fan..it's me he comes to.
There is a reason I say I felt we are on the same wave length. That connection I just have never found with anyone else. The connection Beast always seemed so afraid of. And you have described it perfectly. The feeling of being known. Truly known. All your beauty and flaws and foils and joys and sorrows. A soul deep knowing.
It is so easy with your first high school sweet heart. You fall madly in love, you share anything and everything. You know each others histories and then you grow up into adults together.
No matter what OW he picked, he could never re simulate that. What he could re simulate was the carefree, responsibility free, younger period of our life. Dump the kids on me because he knows I am a good mom. And run off to do whatever it is he feels he needs to do to fix the gaping chasm inside himself. Who would have thought that getting rid of me wasn't he answer?
I can see that sense of being really, really known Nerissa that comes from a long happy marriage where you were loved.
Of course in crisis, I suspect that is almost the opposite of what they want...they DON'T want someone who knows them so they can be free to be someone different.
With time, some may realise - as we LBS do - that what they throw away is irreplaceable. And lots of the first spouses will choose to no longer provide that service.
Another banger. Beast has said as much. That I am apparently stronger, more opinionated, and call him on his BS. He needs be around women who are more pliable and believe his $h!te. He needs to lie. He needs to change who he is, because he so full of self loathing and a bottomless pit of no self esteem...he needs a cheering fan filled adoration squad to feel anything. Your wife of 15 years loving and adoring you is boring. Been going on for ages. But the (insert ridiculous age) co worker/gym partner/lunatic who squeals and adores the fake you?! Perfect for escaping.
I have also told him what we had was irreplaceable. It can't be recreated, or relieved. You can't just pick another person, and get a re do. Life doesn't work that way. And I have lost count of how many times he has said ''things are different'' with her. How they don't share the same sense of humour, or he can't talk about certain things....because that would be revealing to much of the real him.
But if this is a game or winning to OW. Why do they go through with marriage? Doesn’t that defeat the object!? As that’s a serious thing for a game!
The game for the OW is winning. She needs to be so special that a man will do anything for her. The pull of having a ''family, stable, happy'' man who shows loyalty for X number of years is a powerful aphrodesiac. She wants that. She doesn't wanna sift through the pile of losers to find her own...she wants the one right in front of her. So she becomes everything he wants. She befriends him. She listens to all his complaints about his wife...then pretends she is everything he needs. She is carefree, she isn't controlling, she is fun and free and sexy....all he needs to do is be a man and free himself from his torturous troll wife. Eventually a man who is depressed, bored, stressed or whatever starts to believe it. They start to wonder if they made a mistake. They start to look at their wife in her stained pajamas reading to the kids, wondering why she is never dressed up anymore....why she is home all day but the floor is still dirty. He goes and makes all the money, he is a slave to this household...and no one can be bothered to do anything. If only he had a sweet young thing to adore him for what he is...that would make him feel better....and before you know it we end up here.
They can't see the love the woman of X number of years gives. It is old, it is routine, it has been there so long it has lost its potency to cure his ego. He doesn't see the wife loving their child, being a good mother, the stains as a sign she has spent all day making a dinner in he kitchen. They can't see the love because all they see is the poison they have heard. That she has let herself go, she doesn't try, she can't love you....She is not longer a human she is failing as a person.....and she doesn't even know it.
So the deep dark anger and resentment starts. Blocking her out, not telling her whats wrong, always saying ''Im fine'' while texting funny and whitty things ....being charming and a fake macho awesome self to said lunatic. And she eats it up like candy because she is winning. He loves her. He is on his way to her. They are going to have a fairytale ending! Limerance and teenage love- athon commenceth. All the while she quietly wonders to herself, does he really love her? Does he still love his wife? Is he thinking about her right now? Are they still sleeping together? Round and round and round it goes in her mind.
Then the destruction happens and he regrets everything. What has he done? He was so wrong but he can't ever admit that. So he goes along with whatever is easier for him at the time. Whatever he can fill his time with and keep him from thinking....but sometimes in those quiet moments...his brain won't stop. He dreams about his wife and kids, he wonders what they are doing. If his kids will love him when they are older. Does his wife hate him? Does she still think about him? Why didn't she just act the way she was supposed to act? Why is he still not happy?
And then begins the decline. She slowly starts to show her true colours, the act slips, her perfect not wife self...is losing steam because it is fake. It was fantasy created to trap him..and he is starting to pull away so what does she do? Well he seemed to like SOMETHING about his wife for X years...she must have done something right?! So she stalks her, she changes her hair, nails, make up, mannerism, poses...anything to emulate whatever it is she is missing that is not keeping him locked in. This is probably when a lot of them start acting loopy. Starting drama, breaking up and making up, increased love bomb social media posts. Anything...anything to keep the ''love real''.
And hopefully by now the wife has dragged herself up out the ground. She is stronger and more resilient. She takes less crap, she has been so self conscious about her looks she has changed her hair, her clothes, her weight...whatever. And she feels better and happy.
Now the husband wonders what he is missing, why is she doing so well...and starts to pull closer...and then OW goes insane. So she starts hammering in stuff women want. Cut off connection with your wife, move in with me, lets get engaged, lets go on holiday, lets get married. SHOW me you love me. SHOW THE WORLD you love me. Because really, deep down, she is scared $h!teless.
You know...total expert or whatever...but yeah.
What usually leads to the eventual breakup of the affair?
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