[forthetrees]

Mine asked that I never contact him again. I´d call that a vanisher. He was going to go live with his mother in the midwest or live in a cabin in Idaho. Neither has happened- same job, now a few towns away. He does not maintain any links to his past life in this area. He has blanked out what may end up being 1/3 of his life. Maybe he´ll be like Jim- out where the buses don´t run until the very end.

[stillbaffled]

Well, I'm for sure not one with an on/off MLCer! 

No contact (in person, by email, by phone, by text.....nothing!) since early last November and that was done by me to give him the remaining guns he still had on my property after almost three years.   

Do I know where he lives?  Yes, so I guess it's not like he has vanished.    But no way am I going to label him an on/off MLCer.  There is no on!  None.  Zip.  Nothing.

I just use the term semi-vanisher.  It works for me.   

[Treasur]

My memory is some of the terms describe the level of contact (from/by them) on a spectrum and others are the type like a wallower?

Do we use the term vanisher just as being about how often/if they make contact?
Or does it also include some characteristics of the type of MLCer they are in other ways?

[nah]

It’s back a few threads (and I could dig if we really care to know) but even RCR said you can have small contact a few times a year and they still would be in the vanisher category.

A couple of messages once in a while does not constitute an on-off MLCer.

Like I wrote earlier, clingers, Wallowers, boomerangs, etc.,,  also don’t have EXACT contact time frames, so why should vanishers?  Yes, some are completely gone, zero contact for a decade or more, that still doesn’t mean that bc some might answer the phone that they aren’t a vanisher.

Yes, I know he’s alive but he still vanished from my life. He’s “off” 100% of the time. No “on”, once in a while, he never hesitated. He’s a vanisher.

[sparklestar]

Treasur you called it - like most things there’s a spectrum.

I have a vanisher way down the vanisher spectrum, Almost no contact since BD 3 years ago, only a few texts and 2 F2F in the first year but only related to picking things up (he literally left without all his stuff originally) or Divorce. In the last 2 years the only contact was via a solicitor for the divorce and that was a year and a half ago.

I know roughly the area he lives but that’s only through 3rd parties. He hasn’t abandoned his whole life he is still in contact with friends though he has new ones now it’s just me and our life he completely cut off from. I don’t keep in contact with all but one of any ‘mutual’ friends so rarely hear anything.

The one caveat to all that is - he still follows me on twitter which is the only social media platform he really uses as he came off Facebook at BD. I haven’t blocked him on Twitter yet - I didn’t even realise he was still following me until a few months ago, I don’t use it all that much. He must know he still follows me and will definitely see anything I post, I do occasionally and have made sure I’ve posted a few pics of me and my BF. 

So mostly a vanisher but take from that what you will.

[sparklestar]

Nah just read your post and absolutely - I think it’s fairly obvious that Wallowers, clingers, boomerangs etc exhibit relatively clear behaviours regardless of frequency. Vanishers well, vanish. I think they either immediately or after a short time just go and don’t look back. If they respond to a message that doesn’t make them any less a vanisher. Any contact from them is likely from a practical angle rather than an emotional one. I think once they have decided they get on with it. Skilful compartmentalisers and probably at being emotionally detached too.

What we don’t know (or I don’t) is whether as time goes on, if they come out of MLC, that changes. Do they stay committed to their cause forever or do they ever change? Given I think vanishers have certain characteristics I mentioned above do these steer the future post MLC?

[Milly]

I think it's as some of you have said, a Vanisher is a type, and there is a spectrum. It's not about the lack of contact or the odd contact, it's where their mind is at.

My feelings about my H when he vanishes, is that he is very cold with me and the kids. My H is less of a vanisher because of my S and there have been times (when OW is not around usually) that my H seemed a little warmer. But once he vanishes again, he's like stone.

[Whyus]

I couldnt call my XW a Vanisher as we have some Kind of contact every couple of months. It is totally Business only though, if we didnt have Kids or doggie then she would be a vanisher for sure. She doesnt look back, once her mind is set she is done!
Id rather it this way than having to deal with a live in or boomerang though 

[Treasur]

Like Nah, I have no problem describing mine as a vanisher. I have had even less contact than she has lol. Not just Never.Said.A.Word, more just Never. in my case 

And as a Milly said I do think it is about more than just how/if they contact you. My h started out as probably a wallowing boomerang...very depressed, isolating himself but also still one foot in our m I think. Certainly then he saw 'this' - whatever this was - as a temporary thing, something to get better from, and wanted me to not give up on him. He cycled from silence to popping up for s few days/weeks wanting to talk...but only about himself of course and he didn't make much sense.

And then there was a point when out of the blue he went from regular reconnecting actions for about 2 months to  a 180 and announced by text that divorce was the only option in May 16, the real BD I suppose. And then he became a vanisher with a capital V...woukdn't reply to any communication really often for weeks if not months, just ignored me, his friends and even his own L for a while in early 2017.  My best sense with hindsight is that he decided - and I think he said so - that he was a different person now so that was that. He never looked back really and felt no need apparently to explain, apologise or say goodbye. Or deal with any of the mess or obligations he left behind. He did have the odd pop up, maybe three of four, between late 2017 and early 2018...just random mr sadz emails or needing to talk about divorce related things which he tried to stretch into other kinds of talk. But tbh he still didn't make much sense, never followed through on anything he said he wanted to do differently and lied so much about so much it was simply surreal. So I shut it down when it was evidently futile and wasn't helping me at all. Again looking back, I think there were a couple of moments when he wavered...wanting to 'chat' after months of ignoring me in mid 2017, wanting to meet post watchgate and to talk about his 'shock' that ow had stolen from him and lied for a year. It felt like some small bit of him had a reaching out hiccup...but it never lasted long and there was not enough substance and too many lies. It kind of felt as if there was no 'there' there if that makes sense and by mid 2017 I knew facts I had not known before (which he was still lying about lol) and was priotising my sanity over his, so it was a no from me. 

What do I think the characteristics of vanishers are? I think - and of course it is still a spectrum - that they erase and leave behind as much of their old lives as they can. Friends, family, hobbies, church, possessions, even kids. I think they often do a significant 'geographical' move. I think they rarely show signs of doubt other than the odd bit of mr sadz. I think they show zero interest in you or any bit of the old life, even a polite minimal kind of interest. I think they pretty much stonewall you and behave as if you don't exist and even never existed perhaps.  I think they invest almost entirely in a new life completely centred around the life of ow/om...new place, new 'family', new interests, new friends...and they ignore or avoid people who reach out from their old life. I think they press the ctrl-alt-del button on their old life/self. I think 'out of sight, out of mind' is their new motto. I have no idea how it feels to do that and I know that some vanishers seem to pop up and try to 'look' at us, but it never seems to be more than a quick look. From what I can see, maybe the core difference is that vanishers want nothing from us - not cake, not reassurance, not a single Paving stone lol - they want us to go away and not irritate them by existing from what I can see.

I have no idea if vanishers are more or less likely to recover from their crisis. I suspect though that two things influence the chances of reconnection. I think vanishers pretty much leave no bridge unburned so it would require real effort to make a new one if they wanted to reconnect. And I think the LBS is forced to live as if they are not coming back bc there is no sign of them, they really might as well be dead, and we move forward based on that. Maybe bc we see less signs of crazy, we decide that they never really loved us, that it was an exit affair not a crisis, that the person we knew couldn't have been who we thought? Idk. I think LBS with vanishers grieve hard but maybe have less hope of reconnection after a long period of invisibility?

And the vanishing behaviour sends such a clear signal of 'you mean absolutely nothing to me' that I suspect to heal most LBS need to invest big time in things and people where they feel they are valued...so new relationships and a new lifestyle form.

I have read too of a few anecdotes - yellowroseoftexas is a recent one - where even after years of NC, they pop up with an email out of the blue, sometimes even a kind of apology or use some kind of life event to sidle towards the LBS and LB kids. But idk...my sense is that this is not common and if it happens it is like 5/7+ years later. And often when their new 'happy' hasn't worked out so well. Maybe it is just nostalgia? Idk. Maybe more of them are like Jim of Mexico that Airmid posted about recently on the Old Timers thread. They vanish so much and for so long that it seems - or is - impossible for them to return.

I appreciate this might be different if you have kids or other links, but tbh there are plenty of stories here of vanishers pretty much disappearing from their kids or other family members  lives too for months on end, even years. Maybe the odd pop up mr sadz or mr rage text....but no follow through. Sometimes, after a while, that can change...again I guess it is a spectrum thing.

I think this is all different from if or how much the LBS knows about where they are or how to contact them or what they are doing. I have a phone number for my xh bc he didn't change it. If he updates his LinkedIn I suppose I can see if he is alive or still working for the same company. But I know nothing more really. I don't know where he lives.mI only know he got married bc ow was 'kind' enough to send me an anonymous note lol. As of today, tbh my xh could be dead or an inpatient or separated or living in another country, and I wouldn't know. In my case I don't post much on social media but I see no sign that he looks, although I suspect ow did.

[Tyks]

The only time I have contact with my xh is if I inititiate it which I don't unless it is something to do with our d17. In the early days I would contact him and he would reply asap, be it email, phone or text. I asked him about that one time and he said "BC it could be important". Now he answers when he feels like it. I probably could've had a chance in the earliest days to reconcile if I wanted to fight. But tbh I was so upset about the ow that I was seeing stars and I really didn't wanna fight for him.

I know where they live (only BC of my d20) xh has never told me that he moved in with ow or the address. I know his email BC he still works at the place he used to and I know his phone number BC it has been the same for years.

My xh is an out of sight out of mind. He is done. Has been done for a long time. He has told me even though his life is not perfect it is what it is and he will carry on everyday with what he chose.

The only person he has vanished from is MY life. Everything else is the same. According to my d20 he acts the same way. Life is the same except for a different woman.  That is why it is hard to not think that there is something wrong with me lol. Apparently ow is a self righteous control freak bi$ch but he still stays lol. I will never understand.