[Mitzpah]

Mitz, can you explain to me and In It what other thing, aside from money, could compensate for what Mr J and Mr In It have done? Money is a huge comfort. It buys comfort, security, freedom, etc. It does not bring happiness, but it is a practical help.

I am not aware of any other way of compensate for MLC  damages aside from money, unless people want to reconcile and even so ... What exactly is Mr J to do as amends? Write a "I am sorry" note? That has no value and no practical use.

I agree Anjae, that for you and In It, money may be a valid compensation. You have both worked through very traumatic circumstances and have come out as survivors of DV.

In my case, and I speak for myself only, I lost a precious relationship, I see the pain in my children, my mother, my brothers and sisters, our friends. It is difficult to quantify the pain and rupture this has caused in our lives. Money would never be an adequate compensation. I am able to support myself, I have been able to help my children and even my h. through all of the financial devastation this has caused. I do not have a rosy future as a retired single woman, so I face working well beyond what I expected. In this country, couples are better off...

Yet money does not hug me, money does not comfort my children, money is a cold bed fellow, money wants to be a master and I do not want a master.

God is good to me and has been my comfort when no comfort is found. God has provided when I couldn't see a way out. God has healed when I couldn't afford medical treatment or medical treatment was at a loss...

So, money is NOT important to me, however, I can see that it is and should be important to those who have been offended beyond forgiveness.

I support your efforts in requesting financial compensation, I am sure it is well deserved.

[Anjae]

I agree Anjae, that for you and In It, money may be a valid compensation. You have both worked through very traumatic circumstances and have come out as survivors of DV.

Thank you, Mitz. For In It, I and a few others on the same circunstances, money is the only thing left. We are not saying it compensates for all it was done, nothing will, but some compensation is necessary.

We have all lost a precious relationship. At least I also did. Pre-MLC Mr J was not MLC Mr J. Pre-MLC no longer exists and MLC Mr J did monstrous things.

My mum says Mr J was the best son-in-law she had. It is true. She said that the other day and I told her, yes, but none of your other sons-in-lay was abusive towards your daugthers. Mum, my sisters and at least one of my brothers miss Mr J (the real one, of course). I don't. Which I found strange, but I really don't.

So, money is NOT important to me, however, I can see that is is and should be important to those who have been offended beyond forgiveness.

For me it is not so much about forgiveness, Mr J is forgived, but justice.

I support your efforts in requesting financial compensation, I am sure it is well deserved.

Thank you, Mitz. It is. And I am legally entitled to it. Having the MLCer agreeing to pay is another matter. Which is why out of Replay, normal Mr J would be very important to be. He would understand and pay. OK, he would probably try to come back as well.

[in it]

 Yes Mitz thank you. That's exactly what it's about Anjae..justice.

I have also forgiven and forgiven myself first.

I lost the relationship I thought I had with my own children due to the ex and his lies and his games and brainwashing..not to even tell you about the physical damage, triggers etc I still deal with as an after effect. I am getting better.

On the plus side .I lost a lot of that woman who would put up with that kind of crap again. Again no one deserves abuse.

[Nas]

Mitzpah, thank you very much for your post. It is much appreciated.
For those of us who were financially deceived/bankrupted/left penniless by an MLCer, money is of huge importance and would make a massive difference.
Not only to our lives and the comfort of our day to day existence, but having an MLCer offer some form of financial recompense would show that the MLCer is treating us with some semblance of respect.
Mort, I don’t know if your H is financially providing for you and your children, but I can say from experience that when they not only don’t provide financial support but also leave us in dire financial circumstances, money matters a hell of a lot more than anything else.

[Treasur]

I suspect when we lose things or are profoundly damaged by others behaviours, the sense of what would be a good enough recompense for it is very personal. And perhaps some things cannot be made good or repaired with either words or actions. What happened, happened. At different times, different things might have helped us but they didn't happen so we pressed on without them. Finding peace with that, with the sense of injustice maybe, is probably part of our own process through this experience and we may reach quite different conclusions both at different times and one from another.

[Bewildered survivor]

I’m at the point where I don’t want anything from MLCer. Everything is currently used by him as a form of power or control. Currently he is trying to use money as a way to hurt me. So my thinking is now that I want to be at a position where I don’t need his money and I can support myself and my girls without it. No idea if I’ll be able to provide them with the financial security they had when we were together but I know I will be able to provide a roof over their heads, food on the table and the ability to recognise the value of money and work ethic. I don’t want to ever be reliant on him for anything and plan to put his child maintenance (when I get it) away in care he ever withdraws it. I do understand why people would say money is compensation and if it’s your entitlement and was taken from you by MLCer- yes that would be compensation. That’s why I plan to fight for what is mine and my kids in court but after that I will never rely on a man for anything again. Just where I’m at.

Limitless I’m not sure how I would feel if I got an apology letter like that as I’m still so early on in this and feel like I need it for closure. I have a feeling I may feel that way about it years to come to. Although not needed it would be welcomed.

[Songanddance]

So my thinking is now that I want to be at a position where I don’t need his money and I can support myself and my girls without it. No idea if I’ll be able to provide them with the financial security they had when we were together but I know I will be able to provide a roof over their heads, food on the table and the ability to recognise the value of money and work ethic. I don’t want to ever be reliant on him for anything and plan to put his child maintenance (when I get it) away in care he ever withdraws i

Good thinking Bewildered.  Moving forward and living as if he isn't coming back.  Very healthy mindset there.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Most LBS want an apology and/or reconciliation. At least early on. Mr J left mid October 2006,

Gosh, I am getting old. I was thinking to myself, that wasn't too long ago. Then it dawned on my. That was 13 years ago!

(in my country the Supreme Court decided that adultery is painful and impacts a person's life and, therefore, the cheater must pay a certain amount).

I wish that ruling was in the US! I paid my fair share of both alimony and child support. My ex and I agreed on an amount where I paid her the max in alimony for 5 years and then I was done. So I had to pay someone who cheated on me. I also paid child support which I didn't mind.

I did mind that the court did not take into account my oldest. She was over 18 and stayed with me full time through college. I covered her expenses and college as well. I was so poor! I remember just having a few dollars left in the bank account and counting the days to my next paycheck.

For me it is not so much about forgiveness, Mr J is forgived, but justice.

I haven't forgiven her yet, and I won't get justice. Forgiveness is hard. I want to be honest. I could easily write and tell people that I have forgiven her and get away with looking noble. However, I have found that being honest with your true feelings is the best way of getting to the point where I can forgive.

I have also accepted that I will never receive an apology either. My ex was never wrong pre MLC, MLC, or whatever stage she is in now.

However, I am in a much better place now. I am happily married, living in a home filled with love. To share good times, laughter, and enjoy the presence of their lives with mine.

My mum says Mr J was the best son-in-law she had.

I bet that was due to the fact Mr J had the best wife he will ever have. Some people have a way of bringing out the best in others!

((((Hugs))))

Ready

[forthetrees]

There is a concept of restorative justice. While it applies to instances of crime, a lot of the theory could apply to what MLCers have done to their families. I´m not sure that in the case of wild MLC behavior that both parties meeting face to face is healthy for the LBS, at least not until the MLCer has made some progress on the journey. What resonates with me is the part about taking responsibility and making amends. Some of this happens in a divorce that includes mediation, but in most of our cases, the path of mediation is not a doable option and I suppose that is why it feels more like a crime has been committed and that the LBS is the victim of the bomb drop and betrayal. You can find more at restorativejustice.org

This was taken from their website:
If restorative justice were a building, it would have four cornerposts:

    Inclusion of all parties
    Encountering the other side
    Making amends for the harm
    Reintegration of the parties into their communities

To review: restorative justice...

    is a different way of thinking about crime and our response to crime
    focuses on repairing the harm caused by crime and reducing future harm through crime prevention
    requires offenders to take responsibility for their actions and for the harm they have caused
    seeks redress for victims, recompense by offenders and reintegration of both within the community
    requires a cooperative effort by communities and the government



   

[Mortesbride]

I guess I will have to agree it is a ''different types of MLCers'' ''different time lines'' and ''different LBS'' type of discussion.

All I know is..if Beast shows up 10 years from now...and offers to write me a pay check to ''make it all better''... I would probably be so insulted I might just end him and get a pay check anyway. 

But again, I am not very money orientated. When my father passed away it took me 6 months to even consider taking my inheritance because it felt like blood money. ''Your father died...here's a check!'' It wasn't until I thought about it as him looking after me even after he was gone before I was able to go down and take it. By then all my siblings had blown theirs!

At the end of the day I will make my own money, and it will likely be more than Beast will ever make. Unless he ends up becoming a famous Buddhist romance novelist after all....assuming the sheep doesn't eat it. 

I can see why it might be a comfort to you. To help ease your life at this stage. But for me...a check would be an insult. I would rather a letter like that, or a conversation, or a consistent act and change in behaviour.

But to each their very own.