[Treasur]

I think that the person who made the vows and built a life and family with us...and then lied, cheated and disrespected that...is the primary person responsible tbh and where our anger and hurt should be directed.  But ow/om plays their part even if they didn't cause it. Sometimes it is easier to be angry at om/ow or blame them before we are ready to feel anger and distaste for our spouse. And some ow/om do make a painful or difficult situation much worse bc of their own lack of character, disordered behaviour or their own agenda. Not all, but some.

I can't comprehend the mentality of either being a cheater or being an ow/om. Whatever you need to be able to do that, I just don't have in me. It is a kind of profound selfishness I think and a sort of shallowness...that nothing and no one else matters as long as you feel good. I think if that is your character, you will justify it however you can and it is a waste of time to expect decency or empathy from people like that. Imho it is easy to hate the ow/om...harder to come to terms with hating our spouse/ex and accepting that they humiliated and rejected us and changed our family life forever bc it made them feel good in some way.

The only comfort I find is that character does out in the end. People who are inherently selfish or lack empathy will be like that as soon as life gets not so happy. And tbh I can't imagine anything more soul-destroying than living with a spouse who you cannot trust, who will not respect you and have your back.it would be like living with an unexploded bomb....and ow/om and your ex spouse gets to live that way bc they are not that special and none of it was about you.

[hawk]

Yeah l agree, and while l sorta stood for a long time, sorta, l was always confused about that too.
lt was mainly that l'd gone into my own thing in our last few years and made a real mess of things, that l could've maybe forgive her.

As far as om's and ow's , yaknow there's another angle too, who knows what our spouses told them. ?
look what they told us, some could've been lead to believe they were saving our spouse
Like l hate to think what she even told her family, they never talked to me again.

Not that l'm making excuses for om's or ow's, a stray bus running over them would not upset me one little bit, but yaknow !

[Not Applicable]

She has BPD.  The ironic thing is so does H's mother.  They both portray themselves as victims no matter the situation.  And I believe this was also a factor in H's antics.

OW is 21 years younger than H. 

I wonder if the age difference is part of the whole going back to their childhood thing. If they view the OW like their mother, then a younger version of her may be more appropriate than one the same age as them.

[hawk]

personally l don't believe they can run off and just find someone like this or that l think in most cases that might just be a coincidence . like how many women 20yrs younger you think he had to choose from sorta thing, my guess, 1.

Mine's om was everything she'd always never liked , she wouldn't have even looked at a guy like this, couldn't believe it when l saw the fkface, l almost felt bad for her even my daughter said l dunno how she kisses him.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I remember the pain and hurt when I discovered OM. It was the first of many betrayals. I could not stand OM. Even gave him the nickname "English Bob" and wished he would get permanent jock rot. Or that thing that Morte wrote about.  The Alienator is just another broken person to which the MLCer bonds with to serve as a catalyst for the MLCer to escape and avoid. It is through them that replay is possible and life becomes real again for the MLCer. There is a lot on this thread, but this caught my eye:

That isn't on the OM/OW. That was our spouse. I truly believe if it wasn't this particular OM/OW it would be another who happened to fit the dysfunctional bill.

Yes, my w told me if it wasn't him, it would be someone else. That is true. She was looking and if you put it out that you are looking, you will find plenty of takers.

The other thing I keep forgetting is my wife was an OW as well. Once we were talking and I said, "Okay let's just accept the fact, I am a complete A-hole. What do you think about English Bob's wife, what about her?"

She looked at me, "I don't care about her. She's not my problem."

The OP doesn't see you as a person. You are an object and often from their perspective an issue that would be better if it just went away.

And tbh I can't imagine anything more soul-destroying than living with a spouse who you cannot trust, who will not respect you and have your back.

Excellent point. I think that is why I stopped standing. I also realized that if she did come back to me, it would not be because she loved me, but because she had to come back. She would settle for me and I didn't want to be option B.

(((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready

[Kintsugi]

Mine's om was everything she'd always never liked , she wouldn't have even looked at a guy like this, couldn't believe it when l saw the fkface, l almost felt bad for her even my daughter said l dunno how she kisses him.

OW was someone that H would normally not have gone for.  So many of the things that he didn't like.  But I think she came in like a victim.  I have seen people on here talk about how they (H/W) arent looking for someone better but someone worse than themselves and I wholeheartedly believe that. 

[DaybyDay1]

From the outside looking in, the ow does not appear to be an affair down.  She retired as a lieutenant from the police department at 46 years old.  Has a very nice house in a ritzy, guard-gated, country club neighborhood.  She's thinner than I am and has had a lot of work done.  So overall, she looks better than I do.  Her parents are worth a LOT of money, they seem to dote on her, and her entire family seems to just love my H. My H was her training officer 20 years ago. 

I am 44 and have not have any work done.  I'm heavier than I should be but I am working on that.  I am a teacher and can barely make ends meet now that I'm supporting a lifestyle we built together on one income. 

HOWEVER, I have met a few people that have worked with her.  One comment was that the ow was one of four women my friend wouldn't let her husband (captain on the department) be alone with.  Another comment was she's a "badge bunny" and has slept her way through half the department.  Another comment was she has a way of giving compliments that make you feel terrible about yourself.  For example, my friend is very neat and organized and the ow made a comment about her pantry and the organization.  My friend was so embarrassed by the "compliment" that she said no one will ever see the inside of her pantry again.  Another friend, who happens to be distantly related and spends time at their family parties, said that she and her family are money motivated.  Nothing else matters but money.  If you say you bought something at Target, she moves on and leaves the conversation.  My H "broke up with her" because she is so self-absorbed, everything had to be her way, he always had to go to her house, she never listened to him, and if things didn't go her way she behaved like a child. The best, yet saddest, comments came from my own kids.  She's loud.  She's obnoxious.  "Country club people need to think they're something else." I could go on and on but I don't want you to think less of my kids based on the "adjectives" they used to describe her  

The best part is that she has two little kids.  My H was DONE after we had our second.  Our kids are currently 16 and 19 and H has no interest in little kids.  Funny, because one of the reasons I married him is because he has such a way with the little ones.  Yet, as a dad... he was pretty absent.  No doubt she sees that charming "dad" side of him for her 4 year old and 11 year old.  Oh, did I mention she's been married twice?  Had her first born with her second husband.  Took him to court multiple times a year for four years after their divorce.  During the fifth year after the divorce, she had a another baby with him.  That seems very strange to me. 

It feels good to get this out there.  I spend so much time feeling "less than" her and when I think it all through I realize I may not be perfect, but I'd never get into an affair with a married man.  She did know we are married too, but was told we were done and had been done for some time.  Still... she knew we were married and no divorce papers had been filed. 

[hawk]

l think l might need some gold in those cracks.
lt all seems so long ago these days, thank god. But this om stuff still comes for me, one reason l sometimes come back to hs , to work it through, again, only place l know where people have all been through it all and understand it.
l still want him to suffer yet still wonder who's really to blame.
Don't think l'll ever get that now but at least l made their life hell for 4yrs keeping him away from my daughter , which l'm pretty sure split them up on and off for that whole period.

l often wonder if it still effects others too, drop back and see many still here which l suppose answers that so l'm always relieved it's not just me.
l think if that om was just gone, none of it would matter anymore and what's done is done,
Envy the ones where the ow or w didn't last.

[heroIam]

I think that the person who made the vows and built a life and family with us...and then lied, cheated and disrespected that...is the primary person responsible tbh and where our anger and hurt should be directed.  But ow/om plays their part even if they didn't cause it. Sometimes it is easier to be angry at om/ow or blame them before we are ready to feel anger and distaste for our spouse. And some ow/om do make a painful or difficult situation much worse bc of their own lack of character, disordered behaviour or their own agenda. Not all, but some.

I can't comprehend the mentality of either being a cheater or being an ow/om. Whatever you need to be able to do that, I just don't have in me. It is a kind of profound selfishness I think and a sort of shallowness...that nothing and no one else matters as long as you feel good. I think if that is your character, you will justify it however you can and it is a waste of time to expect decency or empathy from people like that. Imho it is easy to hate the ow/om...harder to come to terms with hating our spouse/ex and accepting that they humiliated and rejected us and changed our family life forever bc it made them feel good in some way.

The only comfort I find is that character does out in the end. People who are inherently selfish or lack empathy will be like that as soon as life gets not so happy. And tbh I can't imagine anything more soul-destroying than living with a spouse who you cannot trust, who will not respect you and have your back.it would be like living with an unexploded bomb....and ow/om and your ex spouse gets to live that way bc they are not that special and none of it was about you.

I couldn't agree more with everything you said treasur.

[Passiflora]

Hi you all,
I have a question that I'd like people to comment on.

How come we (I do too often) most of the time "blame" the OW/OM for being behind stuff? I read it today on someone tread, It must be the OW who is behind taking me to court again (don't know who it was that wrote it). I'm not saying that these "people" who wants to get involved with a married man/woman is not doing it out of selfish behavior. My point is or my question is that I think it is the "mlc's" idea mostly and the OW/OM is just backing up the idea, in the same way "we" did when we was married. I'm struggling with this cause my "main" philosophy has to be that that everyone has a free will but I'm aware that addicts steal to get drugs, people in cults do some stupid stuff to etc. but to not steal, not lie, not hurt someone that should be someones core value.

I hope you understand what I'm saying.
Hugs