[Not Applicable]

Have you ever considered that when someone divorces you, it may be precisely because they WANT you to slip away? Or simply because they are done with you? Personally, I believe that there is all the difference in the world between a wayward MLCer who one is still married to and a divorcee. After a divorce, I don't care why the divorce happened (MLC or whatever), it's over. I know they say live like the MLCer isn't coming back, and while I don't agree with that saying in the case where there is still marriage because I think it is disrespectful of the marriage, but if I were divorced, I would live like I wasn't coming back simply because I would not want to come back.

[megogirl]

No.....and that's the exact reason that I brought this up.

Monster wants a divorce at any cost, so the spouse is then forced to slip far, far away.  But we also know that Monster's feeling aren't "real".  They are temporary, and Monster is just an ever-fleeting personality of MLC. 

And according to Stayed's H, if they broke up "it would be so romantic getting back together".......and that he only woke up when he felt that he "was in danger of actually losing Stayed."  So, what was it that finally caused him to sense "danger"?

Denjef31 also echoed this when she said to "stay the course and don't believe a word of it, even if you get divorced." (paraphrasing.)

So if divorce doesn't qualify as "slipping away"......then what does?

[UrsaMajor]

I would venture to guess that, if it is really an MLC, then the "danger point" for them is when the LBS moves on and starts to be interested in a new R, a new life. In your specific case, since contact is restricted, it may be a moot point for you because your x won't be aware except as it impacts the alimony situation

[xyzcf]

Each case is different. My husband did not divorce me for 9 years after BD. BD was in 2009, legal seperation in 2011. I have no idea why he divorced me. To my knowledge there is not an OW.

A good friend of mine from HS was divorced, had her marriage annulled and both she and husband were in relationships...after 7 years they were remarried to one another.

I don't know that you can predict anything. For those of us who want reconciliation, we yearn so deeply for something to be able to see a pattern...but mainly when I read what mego 's question is that she thinks she can do something that will change the outcome. Stayed's situation is NOT what happens in any other case but their situation. It just isn't.

I am not sure the outcome can be changed except by the MLCer deciding that life was not better...and for some, even if life isn't better, they stay away anyway thinking that it would just be too darn hard to try and make it work again.

[OldPilot]

I read what mego 's question is that she thinks she can do something that will change the outcome. Stayed's situation is NOT what happens in any other case but their situation. It just isn't.

AMEN

I think that you can do things that will make the situation worse but you can do nothing that will make it better.

[nah]

Again, each situation is different.

Even the divorced or not divorced. If a marriage license didn’t mean anything to them, why would a divorce certificate?  Now, maybe that has meaning to the LBS, but that’s why we say WE get to say how this story ends.

Here’s what happened in MY situation...
I filed w/i days of BD. I thought it would shake him up. He dragged his feet for over a year (didn’t show up to a scheduled hearing and told her I was the one delaying). What she was doing on her end?, I really don’t know but most likely manipulating. He bought a house while we were still married, and only then did he sign when he realized he would soon get in a bigger financial mess owning two houses. You guys often talk about brain issues, I’m telling you that man went from being brilliant to barely being able to put together a sentence. That’s why I did well financially, he was easily manipulated.

So, if I was still “waiting” I don’t think the divorce would have stopped either one of us. Btw... a couple that we both knew for over 25 years divorced years ago and remarried. The divorce doesn’t make it over, you do.

That being said. The Leaver married his affair partner. I married a man that I love very much. Our kids are adults and we no longer have any financial ties. So we should e completely out of each other’s lives, right?

Nope.

We still message once in awhile. Sometimes friendly, sometimes not.

[megogirl]

but mainly when I read what mego 's question is that she thinks she can do something that will change the outcome

Not really, but I can see why you'd think that.

It's more that curiosity is killing this cat, and a tad of frustration.

Because I still don't understand how being divorced, with almost zero communication, doesn't qualify as having "slipped away".  For as long as I live, I will never understand that......

[xyzcf]

OK, so if being divorced qualifies as slipped away...then what does it mean regarding MLC?  Do you think that if he thinks he is in danger of losing you, that you have slipped away,  that will shake him up to come back? That is how I read what you are saying.

There are some on HS who do believe that.

I don't since MLC is not a marriage problem and it wasn't about me as a spouse...I agree with OP, there are things you can do to make it worse. Occasionally we read of someone who due to a death or illness may return because of the "shock" of that...I have not seen that happen very often though.

[gman242]

I read what mego 's question is that she thinks she can do something that will change the outcome. Stayed's situation is NOT what happens in any other case but their situation. It just isn't.

AMEN

I think that you can do things that will make the situation worse but you can do nothing that will make it better.

Where's the like / thumbs up button!?

[in it]

If I remember right, Stayed was leaving the country they had lived in.