[Acorn]

Because I still don't understand how being divorced, with almost zero communication, doesn't qualify as having "slipped away".

Being divorced and zero communication means he quit.  Not sure what else one can do to ‘quit’ M definitively.  It does not mean M cannot be restored some time in the future (though as rare as a hen’s teeth, unfortunately) but for the time being, it is done.  Gone.

As for ‘slipped away’, it might make more sense to say ‘he slipped away’?   LBS is sometimes not ready to accept that MLCer slipped away, hence lots of thinky time devoted to the possibility of return and how that can happen.  I wasted quite a bit of time doing just that...  What a colossal waste of time that was!  Time is better spent on self reflection and growing because it does pay concrete dividends.

[in it]

Listen to Acorn it's a total waste of time in your life to wonder about that possibility of having anything else to do with them. It's a slim chance and you need this time to focus on you. You now work on letting go.

Again he knows where you are, he sends you your checks and you two have a son. It all may lack emotional support and what you need. Hardly ideal if you still want to have some kind of relationship.

I would work on me. Sometimes the LBS doesn't want the Mlcer back.  They have grown and moved on and are not interested in helping or being there to watch Humptey Dumpty put himself back together again.

[One day at a time]

As for ‘slipped away’, it might make more sense to say ‘he slipped away’?   LBS is sometimes not ready to accept that MLCer slipped away, hence lots of thinky time devoted to the possibility of return and how that can happen.  I wasted quite a bit of time doing just that...  What a colossal waste of time that was!  Time is better spent on self reflection and growing because it does pay concrete dividends.

This! I'm at the point where I see it as a waste of time too but I can't seem to snap out of it! I actually want to feel done, I don't care about him thinking or fearing it, I want to be done for me.. He LEFT!! Yes, he's having a crisis, yes, he might want back SOME say... Yes, I still love him but he doesn't love me... I really can't understand why it's so difficult to see he slipped away... Ugh

[Disillusioned]

This! I'm at the point where I see it as a waste of time too but I can't seem to snap out of it! I actually want to feel done, I don't care about him thinking or fearing it, I want to be done for me.. He LEFT!! Yes, he's having a crisis, yes, he might want back SOME say... Yes, I still love him but he doesn't love me... I really can't understand why it's so difficult to see he slipped away... Ugh

  (Sorry.  Screwed up the quote feature.)   fixed it for you. 


One Day - I felt the same way this morning at 8:00 as I sat outside my soon to be hired attorneys office dreading filling out a response to a divorce filing I still haven't been informed by STBXW had actually been filed back on the 7th.  I told the new attorney "I don't want to be here."  I texted friends and said "I don't want to be here."  I told God "I don't want to be here."  I walked out about an hour ago $4000.00 lighter in the bank account.  I was whistling by the time I got in the car.

The single act of taking control and not waiting anymore snapped me out of it.  Might I cycle back down tonight or tomorrow or a week from now?  Darn tootin'!  But for right now, I feel 1000 times lighter.

[Tyks]

I would venture to guess that, if it is really an MLC, then the "danger point" for them is when the LBS moves on and starts to be interested in a new R, a new life. In your specific case, since contact is restricted, it may be a moot point for you because your x won't be aware except as it impacts the alimony situation

UM, I don't agree with you here. I firmly believe that my xh is in MLC and yet I divorced him! I believed that the SA and divorce would wake him up. It didn't. He says he still loves me but it is time to experience new things with new partners. If that is not MLC talk then I don't know what is

[barbiedoll]

A very complex question for many reasons.....

Firstly, this may not even be MLC. Lets just face it ..not every man that acts this way is in MLC. It absolutely could be that he just wants out and got out . Period. There is no way to know with 100% certainty that a MLC is what is happening . There is no "blood test". They may well follow a similar "script"...still, you truly do not know. No one knows for sure . Not you and not me. Period. So they may never "quit". You could be waiting for nothing. Which is why GAL and moving forward "as if" they are not returning .

Secondly.. they may in fact complete this journey , and still decide not to return to their old life and marriage . There may be a thousand reasons that they do not look back...we do not know. Many do not return. Many LBS do not want them as the trauma is too deep and everything is lost. Those that do return , may not successfully re-establish their marriage or build the "new" one. It is a crap shoot to put it mildly.

Thirdly ... if you are using any information to form some kind of strategy or "manufacture" a situation they may influence him to return...well, that is doomed as well. It was NEVER about you . You can not influence or steer the outcome . Period. He may or may not see any change and in all likelihood it will not have an impact on him. Especially in replay. He is busy . He is in his own crisis and anything from you just interferes and interrupts his journey. He is busy responding to you ( likely with monster) and has taken his focus off his own issues . The more you attempt to manipulate, communicate, throw darts at him etc ... the more certain he becomes that you are indeed nuts and leaving was the best thing he ever did. Truth.

You cannot talk with such certainties . That there is an "absolute "...well, anything. There are NONE. When will he "quit"?... as if he factually will ? He may NEVER "quit" as you say. You cannot wait for that as if it will factually and absolutely happen.

It is 100% the truth when you are asked  " when will YOU quit?" . That is the far bigger and more important question. YOU only have control over YOU ...and that is hard enough for a LBS. Focus on you only . That's it, that's all. He may never return and for you to think only in concrete fact that it is only a "matter of time" is simply wrong. You do not know that . None of us could ever know that . Leave him 100% alone ( no more court dates !!!! ) and look in the mirror and practice meeting yourself, love yourself, plan your future, re-train etc etc ...live as if he will never return. IF he does... you will be stronger, healthier and wiser. Fact.

[KeepItTogether]

... you will be stronger, healthier and wiser. Fact.

Bam! Perfectly stated. It is all about US, b/c we cannot ever control or predict what they will do.  Honestly if My H came back today, in the current state he is in, I don't want him. He is a liar, cheater and abandoner. TO both me and our dear son, who he has also abandoned. He has stated many times, through tearful eyes, that S and I have "moved on" and don't need him anymore. I viewed that as him getting justification for his own "moving on."  But, well, they never really do if they are stuck in the tunnel. And only the MLCer can make his/her way out. NOTHING we do will help that--as pounded into me by the awesome veterans here time and time again.

Mego, as a direct answer to your question, I believe that, assuming it is MLC, there is a point where they actually WANT us to move on b/c it justifies their behavior. Their mindset may change on a dime. But certainly, at the beginning of the crisis, some just want to be rid of us and never look back....until they do.

[megogirl]

He may never return and for you to think only in concrete fact that it is only a "matter of time" is simply wrong. You do not know that . None of us could ever know that

No, I know that I'm not a special snowflake.  It's INTUITION (RCR called it "Intuitive knowing"). 

Obviously, I don't "know" anything.  But my instincts on this one are very strong.  In the meantime, I'm swingin' single. 

I do still have that gaggle of cats I need to acquire......

[KeepItTogether]

I do still have that gaggle of cats I need to acquire......

LOL. You are funny!  Careful, it's a slippery slope. I have 2. If my S had a say, we'd have about 14 by now.

[One day at a time]

He may never return and for you to think only in concrete fact that it is only a "matter of time" is simply wrong. You do not know that . None of us could ever know that

No, I know that I'm not a special snowflake.  It's INTUITION (RCR called it "Intuitive knowing"). 

Obviously, I don't "know" anything.  But my instincts on this one are very strong.  In the meantime, I'm swingin' single. 

I do still have that gaggle of cats I need to acquire......

Mego, I'm going to ask you a question that I ask myself... Is that intuition or are you still in denial? I don't mean to offend you in any way.. I have that "intuition" too... Yet, I'm starting to think that by having it, I'm denying he left for good... Thinking that it's a crisis and he might be back, might be the bargaining stage of grief.. And by staying in this state of mind, I'm preventing myself from moving forward... Right now, I see my hope and intuition like more of a hindrance than something positive.. I'm not saying you are going through the same but maybe it's worth reflecting on it for a while? Just my 2 cents.