[megogirl]

That was about 2 weeks ago. I doubt I’ll hear from him again at least for a few months, maybe even a year or two. That’s how he does it.

OK, I'd wondered why you said that some of your exchanges "were friendly, others not."

Clearly, he's still the one trying to drive the train.  All in an effort to keep you hooked......even though you've long since re-married?!

Does that bother you?  And, why does your new husband tolerate that?

[Not Applicable]

GIG.. I dunno. We're divorcing, she says she's not moving home. Our contact is way down, but she still tries to reach out like we're best friends still.

Is she selfishly trying to keep me from moving on? Is she delusional? Is she just hoping I'll hold on enough for one day, which makes me the second, back burner option?

I dunno.. I just know I'll burn myself out worrying and I think I don't care anymore.

I'd turn your situation around a bit gman. I think when there is a baby involved they can never fully "quit" unless they want to be a really $h!tety parent and abandon their new child.

I also think that the baby could keep her a bit stuck almost physically even if she isn't mentally. There's this responsibility there that will never go away.

[nah]

That was about 2 weeks ago. I doubt I’ll hear from him again at least for a few months, maybe even a year or two. That’s how he does it.

OK, I'd wondered why you said that some of your exchanges "were friendly, others not."

Clearly, he's still the one trying to drive the train.  All in an effort to keep you hooked......even though you've long since re-married?!

Does that bother you?  And, why does your new husband tolerate that?

I guess he can try to drive the train all he wants...doesn’t matter to me if I’m not on it.

As for my current husband “tolerating it”,... our relationship is like night and day from what I had with the Leaver. We are very open about everything,... we both have had heartbreaks, we both have been through abuse, we even both have been alienated by our adult daughter (they both have the same name, not a common one either, what are the chances?)... so whenever I have interaction with the Leaver, I include my husband. My husband also interacts with some of his exes, doesn’t bother me bc neither one of us hides it.

[Mortesbride]

''What was it that finally caused him to sense 'danger'?''

Well let's be real, most of these MLCers have known us for a decade or more. They KNOW us. So you can go out and start humping the first person you see, and sure that will make them jealous...but they KNOW it is a game. They know you are trying to manipulate them.

But what happens after some time when you actually become different. When you change your attitude, when you start to see someone for real...when you make plans for your future without them? They FEEL it. They feel the change in you, that you are no longer obsessing over them, that you no longer care. THAT is when they feel the danger.

''Because I still don't understand how being divorced, with almost zero communication, doesn't qualify as having "slipped away".

Divorced is just a word that describes your legal status really. Sure we can add all kinds of connotations from our religious or cultural beliefs...stigmas...whatever. But what is the difference between 'divorced' and 'married' without religion, culture, attitudes? It is about legal rights...half of what you own, sharing the same property, next of kin...whatever.

So your status of being 'married' made little difference to a MLCer when they went off and left to start up with OW/OM.... why would your status of 'divorce' make any difference to the MLCer if they decide to return?

Your status may make a difference to YOU, but not to them.




And when Barbie said ''Not every man that acts this way is MLC'' is pretty bang on. There are lots of things that might look like MLC at first, but you can only really tell in hindsight. Luckily the things that look like MLC you are told to deal with it in near enough the same fashion. Focus on you, stop reacting, let go....and if they come back, they come back....if not you have already moved on.


As for ''Intuitive knowing'' ….that is a bit different. Intuitive knowing is feeling like they are really sad for some reason, then finding out they have taken a week off work and been locked in MIL's room the whole time refusing to eat. Intuitive knowing is when you see them constantly hiding their phone and know it is because they are texting another woman....Intuitive knowing is when you think ''it has been a while since I heard from him, he is due a touch n go'' then you get a text or whatever that night..  That knowledge comes from 1. predictability of a person's behaviour, 2. behaviour patterns we have seen in the world, and 3. a huge dose of familiarity. Some things you can ''intuitively know''. But them coming back?! That is such a huge thing that you can't know. You may lean toward knowing he will be back this week...then next week think it is impossible. There is no pattern or learned behaviour for ''if they will come back'' in MLC.

Small things, little puzzle pieces that you can guess and later fit together with confirmation...that is ''intuitive knowing''. ''Knowing'' he WILL return is impossible because there are so many decisions and forks in the road between now and then...

[megogirl]

But them coming back?! That is such a huge thing that you can't know. You may lean toward knowing he will be back this week...then next week think it is impossible. There is no pattern or learned behaviour for ''if they will come back'' in MLC.

I took "Intuitive Knowing" as having a gut instinct so strong that you basically "know," and not because I feel that I'm psychic or can read his mind. 

It's this feeling that you've already found your lobster, so that's that.  Your history together, and possibly children, trumps all else.  RCR bullet-points this: "You know you are meant to be together."  So I assumed that's what she meant by "Intuitive Knowing".

Perhaps I am wrong, although I suppose it doesn't matter either way.

[xyzcf]

It is comforting to have that feeling of "this is going to be ok. He is in a crisis and once that is over he will come back to us". Indeed, many MLCers actually indicate that when they leave..they just need space.

But that can also be crippling...for it can hold us back from making any changes in things.

Example, I was totally alone here in a place where I did not know anyone. Before going on our foreign assignment, our dog had died and where were were  going would not have made sense to get a dog. The plan was were were coming back here in 2-3 years and would get a dog then.

I did not get a dog  for 17 months after BD because I believed that this was temporary and I would be going back...even when I got a dog, I didn't tell him I had one in case he would think "well she can't come back now...

Friends from back home would want to visit me and I was reluctant to set any dates because I was so sure I would be back overseas and they would lose money for their airfare.

In short, I did not believe him (and he did some things that kept me on the hook because I think he too was very confused about all this).

It's so very hard to let go of that "intuitive knowing" and it is a fear that I had..if I let go, would he sense that as well and that would be the end?

Once I took my focus off what I could not predict anyway, my world opened up, my life became more peaceful and calmer and I allowed myself to make a life without him.

The holding on was not healthy but it couldn't be rushed either.

[Schratz66]

Mego - I thought I knew and I totally get why m H did what he did and what triggered it. Seems perfect example of MLC.
Somehow in my gut I knew eventually he would come back - these last few months I am questioning if it is a 'gut feeling' or denial or just refusal to accept reality.
Not so sure anymore, but like you said, does it really matter.

[OldPilot]

But them coming back?! That is such a huge thing that you can't know. You may lean toward knowing he will be back this week...then next week think it is impossible. There is no pattern or learned behaviour for ''if they will come back'' in MLC.

I took "Intuitive Knowing" as having a gut instinct so strong that you basically "know," and not because I feel that I'm psychic or can read his mind. 

It's this feeling that you've already found your lobster, so that's that.  Your history together, and possibly children, trumps all else.  RCR bullet-points this: "You know you are meant to be together."  So I assumed that's what she meant by "Intuitive Knowing".

Perhaps I am wrong, although I suppose it doesn't matter either way.

So is any of this knowing keeping you attached?

Even if it is one strand of string that keeps you from completely detaching then
that is when it matters.

[One day at a time]

Mego - I thought I knew and I totally get why m H did what he did and what triggered it. Seems perfect example of MLC.
Somehow in my gut I knew eventually he would come back - these last few months I am questioning if it is a 'gut feeling' or denial or just refusal to accept reality.
Not so sure anymore, but like you said, does it really matter.

I'm exactly at the same stage.. The gut feeling is keeping me stuck so I'm at the point where I actually want to ignore it so I can move forward... I don't want to be in limbo anymore.

[Treasur]

Or, logically, if you want to trust your 'knowing' feeling, you could just get on with your own life regardless as it will happen whether you wait, prod or shout....and whether you detach and heal, or don't...jmo.