[xyzcf]

I felt the need to go back and read what RCR wrote about Paving the Way as I see this thread going way off track. From July 8, 2013 What is paving the way?

In her first paragraph she states: "This is one of the most important concepts that goes with standing" and as a stander I agree with her.

If you are not a stander, perhaps "paving the way" does not apply.

treasur, your suggestion "limiting the collateral damage" is a much different concept than paving the way...as well...I don't mean to be difficult, but what literacy level do the words "limiting the collateral damage" come in at? I suspect quite a high one and may not be understood terribly well.

Anyway, here is what RCR wrote...as I stated..she addressed this issue for standers.

I suspect that posters will argue, there is no reason to believe that this works.....logically, I believe that "if" a MLCer comes through their crisis and feels that they would like to return, perhaps some of the things I did along the way will help him to feel safe to do so. There is no proof of this but I don't need proof because it is common sense to me. Using what RCR wrote  "might" and I say "might" make him feel that he would be welcomed back should he choose to take that route back home.

If he doesn't, I have not lost anything.

If "paving the way" is causing you harm, in my opinion, it is because you have not let go of the "expectation" that you have that he/she will return someday...NO EXPECTATIONS go hand and hand in paving the way to minimize any "harm" that you think paving the way is going to do to you.

Personally, paving the way has not caused me any harm, indeed it has allowed me some control over my life and actions.

Paving the Way
Paving the Way is about how you treat others and your Self; it integrates with Mirror-Work which is about you; who you are, how you respond and react and what you can do to change what needs changing, embrace what needs loving and heal without bitterness. Paving the Way for your MLCer to come home is about loving your Self and making your Self a priority. As you change and heal, you become an attractive force for your MLCer. Understanding the theory as I explain it will get you nowhere if you fail to apply it; without actions it’s dead and I can’t do the work for you. Growth is a personal experience.

The Paving the Way Toolbox
Paving the Way creates a safe path home for your MLCer and just as with all paving jobs, you will need some tools.

Direct Tools

The Unconditionals: Grace, Agapé and Forgiveness
The Unconditionals are the stones with which you Pave the Way. They are guidelines for how treat each other—MLCers, alienators and all others. The Unconditionals the primary direct tool for Paving the Way.
Truth Darts
Yes, MLCers are often upset upon delivery, but Truth Darts enable self-reflection which enables progress.
Validate
Validating sends the message that you accept a person’s feelings as being real even if you don’t like them or the resultant actions.
Boundaries
Reassurance
This is especially important for Close Contacters like Clinging Boomerangs who think they want out and then change their mind—over and over. Part of their cycling may be rooted in a fear of abandonment.
Be Consistent and Flexible
I know, these seem to conflict one another. Be consistent in the Unconditionals, but how you apply the tools may change because what works today may have an opposite result next week. MLCers progress and so you need to adjust your interactions as they progress.
Indirect Tools
The direct tools were about things you can do in person or interactions with your MLCer; the indirect tools are about working on yourself and by doing that you become an attractive force like a lighthouse for your MLCer.

Mirror-Work

Detachment
Gratitude
Rediscover You: Get a Life
Choose Joy—embrace the journey
Redirecting and Reprogramming Thoughts and Beliefs

"I guess there is no opportunity to Pave the Way when you are dealing with Monster? Am I right in thinking I should just be polite, as nice as is possible in difficult circumstances and just leave him to do whatever?"

The main question is basically a version of how can I Pave the Way when/if…

My MLCer is a Vanisher and we have no contact?
I set a No Contact Boundary?
My MLCer refuses to pay attention/listen to me?
My MLCer hates me?
My MLCer doesn’t live at home?
We don’t communicate?
The questioner is right, but the implication that being polite, nice and leaving him to do whatever are not part of Paving the Way is incorrect, those are what Paving the Way is about.

MLCers disconnect gradually. Use this time to begin laying a foundation for a future return, because midlife crisis gets worse and contact and communication may decrease, along with your opportunities for direct contact and communication to Pave the Way. That does not mean Paving the Way will cease when your MLCer moves out or reduces contact; it means the type of tools you use will change. In the beginning I knew that Chuck would leave within a few weeks—he had an apartment lined up—and I knew that his affair would become physical soon after he moved out. That meant I only had a few weeks to strengthen our foundation by starting to add new paving stones. I continued throughout his midlife crisis, but he gave me more opportunities to Pave the Way directly (in person) because of the initial work I did to Pave the Way in the beginning. Paving the Way is often more about how you treat the situation and your MLCer rather than about what you do specifically. In addition it is also about how you treat yourself which is why boundaries are part of the toolbox; we teach people how to treat us.

edit - change color to purple - OP

[Ready2Transform]

Agree with xyzcf, and RCR's definition of Paving is what I was presented with when I came here, and what I adhered to as much as possible while being a long-term stander.

Standing and our reasons for it, versus what is going on within the MLCer, are two different topics. I think your concerns are valid Velika, but I don't think they have anything to do with this topic. Some people will choose to stand (as we initially did), and it's not because they feel pressured to based on faulty info; it's because they choose to or feel compelled to from within themselves and their beliefs. I was already standing without knowing what it was. Different information, or prodding to divorce quickly (which I was already getting in my day to day life from a ton of people) would have made no difference. Wiping the slate clean on "Paving" is not going to stop someone who truly wants to pave a way for reconnection, nor should it.

That shouldn't dissuade people from telling their stories and presenting another way in which we can heal and be happy, or cautionary tales like mine that show not taking serious financial steps can hurt you in the long run, but our story threads and topics aimed at that are a better place than disrupting other topics that may have to do with a different choice.

I hope I haven't added to to the veering off topic more!

[Songanddance]

or me. a divorce would not have been possible because H never left and in UK law, even in the case of adultery, a divorce cannot be granted to the petitioner if the defendant has been living in the home for upto 6 months after the adultery was cited.  It is possible to divorce after 2 yrs legal separation and in the home that means living completely separate lives and proving such as both parties have to be willing.

I’m not a lawyer and in any case, divorce is a big step, and not one I’m keen to promote if there’s an alternative, but I was under the impression that adultery could not be quoted if  the marriage ‘re started’ for over six months since adultery was last confirmed ie if sex etc between spouses had resumed and adultery had stopped.  Divorce can be obtained quickly for irreconcilable differences can’t it?  And unreasonable behaviour is easily a way of obtaining a quick divorce since all these spouses are behaving unreasonably, even if they aren’ t having an affair.  Eg, I cited unreasonable behaviour and it included being unwilling to undergo counselling or to improve the marriage.  Anything that isn’t pro relationship can be unreasonable if it means the marriage is an unsatisfying place to be because one partner isn’t playing their part.

I thought the two year wait was if you wanted to keep all information off the record so as not to annoy each other with accusations.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce

This is the correct set of info on UK divorce

The two year gap has to be mutual and does not address any financial issues but it is wise to settle all financial affairs before the end of the 2 yr separation.  Accusations can still fly but evidence and proof is essential.

In the UK there is currently no quick divorce.  A divorce process can be as little as 3 -5 months to get to decree nisi but only if both partners have already separated all assets and this is known as a clean break.

I know this because my D is getting divorced from her H after only a brief period of marriage. They have legally completed one year so can divorce but my D insisted on the house being sold and all joint assets being split equally.  Her STBX has refused to start the divorce even though he wants one so my D has set the ball rolling and her solicitors have sent him the forms to sign as petitioner.

I also learned yesterday that even after 40 yrs of separation a divorce can still take as long as 6 months min. My friend who I have known for over 30 yrs was married very young.  She and her H split after a few years and both went their separate ways living with new partners and starting families but staying in contact from time to time.  Neither of them divorced each other. Until this year when he wanted to settle his assets for his D having been bereaved of his long time partner. So he asked my friend for a D and she said yes.There was nothing to settle financially but it still took 10 months to process because they both had to log where they had lived, previous bank accounts etc.......
So even in that situation where everything was settled and sorted and had been for years, the divorce process was long winded and almost prevented them from doing so.

Conversely another friend of mine who is a professional singing teacher was divorced by what turned out to be another MLCer H on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. His claim was that she was a musician and she kept singing. It was unreasonable of him to have to live with that.
She tried to prove him wrong and it became very ugly.  That took nearly a year because he had hidden a lot of his finances (wealthy family) and was trying to even prevent her from having equity in the house so that she and the children could find somewhere else.  He started the divorce - she resisted but stopped when he eventually, after months of argument, capitulated and let her have her half of the equity and agreed a sensible amount of financial support.

The unreasonable behaviour part of a divorce is quite simply too grey and confusing for comfort and can often prolong a divorce process.

[UrsaMajor]

His claim was that she was a musician and she kept singing. It was unreasonable of him to have to live with that.

THAT one needs to go into the annals of "Stupid MLC Reasons for D" right next to "The dog is too fat,""You don't cook Bratwursts properly," and "You vacuum the house wrong".

[Acorn]

I thank xyzcf for prompting me to read ‘Pave the Way’ with a fresh set of eyes and in my present situation (reconnecting, rebuilding) which is vastly different from when I first encountered the article. 

Here is my reflection:

I joined HS a year after the BD, I think, and I devoured all the articles, and, repeat.

My mind was still very much muddled, my focus was on MLC and my MLCer, and I wanted a solution to end all the craziness and have my beloved back to loving me.   I found the ‘solution’.  In ‘Pave the Way’ article...   

One sees what one wants to see.  In my case, I saw in the article ‘how to get my H back’.   Rather than taking in the overall message, which is really about healing and growing, despite MLC and MLCer, I zoomed into certain segments of the article - I highlighted these in bold italic.  Yes, I know. I was the best cherry picker in the neighbourhood.

I have re-read the article a couple of times just now and I can see why I focused on certain parts as ‘how to get him back’ as a newbie.  (Please note that this is my perception only.)

It starts with the title ‘Paving the Way’.  It denoted proactiveness on my part, the LBS - yay, I can do something to bring him back!

The phrase, ‘Paving the Way’, implied to me that there is an outcome or a destination to which the Way is Paved - my MLCer’s eventual return to my loving arms.  Yay, again!

Secondly, some words were interpreted by me that there is a cause and effect relationship - you pave, MLCer may very well walk on it toward LBS.

Thirdly, Mirror work, though beneficial for me, is also a means to an end.  It’s a ‘Toolbox’.  What does one do with a toolbox?  Use it to fix something, to make it right, to get things working again.  The ‘something’ being outside of myself - an object, a person, a situation. 

I am a simple and practical person.  I encounter a problem, I want to find a solution.  I found it in ‘Paving the Way.’   Sometime during my hard work to pave the way for H and eventual reconciliation, it metamorphosed to paving my own way without any thoughts of H walking on it or not.  It became all about me.  Not about H, not about our marriage. 

I’m merely offering my personal interpretation of ‘Pave the Way’ that I had as a newbie LBS, who was traumatized, bewildered and under life reconstruction. 


Paving the Way

Paving the Way is about how you treat others and your Self; it integrates with Mirror-Work which is about you; who you are, how you respond and react and what you can do to change what needs changing, embrace what needs loving and heal without bitterness. Paving the Way for your MLCer to come home is about loving your Self and making your Self a priority. As you change and heal, you become an attractive force for your MLCer. Understanding the theory as I explain it will get you nowhere if you fail to apply it; without actions it’s dead and I can’t do the work for you. Growth is a personal experience.

The Paving the Way Toolbox
Paving the Way creates a safe path home for your MLCer and just as with all paving jobs, you will need some tools.

Direct Tools

The Unconditionals: Grace, Agapé and Forgiveness
The Unconditionals are the stones with which you Pave the Way. They are guidelines for how treat each other—MLCers, alienators and all others. The Unconditionals the primary direct tool for Paving the Way.
Truth Darts
Yes, MLCers are often upset upon delivery, but Truth Darts enable self-reflection which enables progress.
Validate
Validating sends the message that you accept a person’s feelings as being real even if you don’t like them or the resultant actions.
Boundaries
Reassurance
This is especially important for Close Contacters like Clinging Boomerangs who think they want out and then change their mind—over and over. Part of their cycling may be rooted in a fear of abandonment.
Be Consistent and Flexible
I know, these seem to conflict one another. Be consistent in the Unconditionals, but how you apply the tools may change because what works today may have an opposite result next week. MLCers progress and so you need to adjust your interactions as they progress.

Indirect Tools
The direct tools were about things you can do in person or interactions with your MLCer; the indirect tools are about working on yourself and by doing that you become an attractive force like a lighthouse for your MLCer.

Mirror-Work

Detachment
Gratitude
Rediscover You: Get a Life
Choose Joy—embrace the journey
Redirecting and Reprogramming Thoughts and Beliefs

"I guess there is no opportunity to Pave the Way when you are dealing with Monster? Am I right in thinking I should just be polite, as nice as is possible in difficult circumstances and just leave him to do whatever?"

The main question is basically a version of how can I Pave the Way when/if…

My MLCer is a Vanisher and we have no contact?
I set a No Contact Boundary?
My MLCer refuses to pay attention/listen to me?
My MLCer hates me?
My MLCer doesn’t live at home?
We don’t communicate?
The questioner is right, but the implication that being polite, nice and leaving him to do whatever are not part of Paving the Way is incorrect, those are what Paving the Way is about.

MLCers disconnect gradually. Use this time to begin laying a foundation for a future return, because midlife crisis gets worse and contact and communication may decrease, along with your opportunities for direct contact and communication to Pave the Way. That does not mean Paving the Way will cease when your MLCer moves out or reduces contact; it means the type of tools you use will change. In the beginning I knew that Chuck would leave within a few weeks—he had an apartment lined up—and I knew that his affair would become physical soon after he moved out. That meant I only had a few weeks to strengthen our foundation by starting to add new paving stones. I continued throughout his midlife crisis, but he gave me more opportunities to Pave the Way directly (in person) because of the initial work I did to Pave the Way in the beginning. Paving the Way is often more about how you treat the situation and your MLCer rather than about what you do specifically. In addition it is also about how you treat yourself which is why boundaries are part of the toolbox; we teach people how to treat us.

[Treasur]

I agree completely with Acorn that there is nothing bad in here at all.
But our early eye can misinterpret it bc of the language imho. Just as Acorn describes.
Perhaps it is as simple as changing the phrase 'paving the Way' to something else that does not cry out so strongly to the fix it beliefs we all come with initially.
Less about the content, more about the 'label'

[Acorn]

I agree completely with Acorn that there is nothing bad in here at all.
But our early eye can misinterpret it bc of the language imho. Just as Acorn describes.
Perhaps it is as simple as changing the phrase 'paving the Way' to something else that does not cry out so strongly to the fix it beliefs we all come with initially.
Less about the content, more about the 'label'

It is the language, for sure.
We are told ‘you didn’t break it, you can’t fix it’.  Yet, the language contained in the title and within the article can give the impression ‘you didn’t break it but you can fix some of it.’

‘Pave Your Own Way’ comes across as empowering for LBS. 
‘Pave the Way’ can come across as active fixing.
‘Tools’ can come across as active fixing, too.

A disclaimer of some sort may be needed?  That MLCer’s return is not a common scenario and, in fact, rather rare.  For those rare cases, paving your own way can also inadvertently pave the way for returning MLCer to walk on.  A side effect of paving LBS’s own way, if you like.

IMHO, ‘paving the way’ is a footnote of Mirror Work.

Just my opinion. 

[Helpingme!]

Or Even Lead The Way. Just be the example they are looking for.
Not to say do as I do or what they should do.
Just do it. In the beginning the don't give a $#@% what we do. But I think they do later. JMO, alot may disagree with me, but I think in some and I said SOME MLCERS are watching how we the LBS is. Until we are Good, they are not comfortable around us.

[Acorn]

Or Even Lead The Way. Just be the example they are looking for.
Not to say do as I do or what they should do.
Just do it. In the beginning the don't give a $#@% what we do. But I think they do later. JMO, alot may disagree with me, but I think in some and I said SOME MLCERS are watching how we the LBS is. Until we are Good, they are not comfortable around us.

‘Lead the Way’ makes perfect sense to me!
I think you really put your finger on the spirit of the article.

[xyzcf]

Going back to what RCR wrote at the very beginning of her thoughts on paving the way:

In her first paragraph she states: "This is one of the most important concepts that goes with standing"

It doesn't apply to all members, just like many other things she writes may apply to your situation or not. 

Michelle Weiner Davis had a list of things "to do" to change your behavior 180 degrees to get a "reaction" from your spouse. Many people found that helpful, others didn't like things she said.

One of the things we learn when our marriages end is to think independently and to make decisions about what is right for us. That includes things that we read about relationships and on internet sites.

Looking at other "pieces of advice" that RCR gives in her articles, there are many times she will mention something that might have some affect in your spouse. Giving information and also her experience of her own situation.

Here is one example from "planting the seeds"

Instead of changing him, change your Self. Change your reactions to responses. Listen, observe and validate his feelings. Allow your behavior to speak for you, facilitating an environment in which he can eventually choose to change his mind. Learn what to do and become confident in what you feel, think and know. Then, when you speak, you will have an authority within you that he can trust--if he so chooses. Be honest when you speak to set yourself apart from the alienator and because it is the best policy.

I don't see this as trying to fix them.

Do we know what if any affect our actions will have? As has been said you can do everything right and your MLCer doesn't return home or do nothing right and they show up at your door.

What concerns me is the idea that somehow these words "paving the way" are adding more   "trauma" to an already traumatized LBSer. This phrase has been around since the beginning of HS and was always clear to myself and to other members that I spoke with what it means. There has never been any pressure for people to "pave the way" but it was used as a term to explain a certain action you might take, that might "help" if the MLCer ever thought of returning home.

If we are going to start looking at every title and expression used to make sure that it doesn't offend someone or make us think that somehow we can "fix" the MLCer, then many of RCR's articles will be determined as possibly upsetting some member because they have not detached enough yet or understand MLC or to take what you read and apply it if it fits your world view and disregard what doesn't.