[OffRoad]

Thanks, UM. I felt so bad, and yet not bad. At the end of the memorial, my deceased colleagues mother had been greeting family and friends and I was fairly far back in the crowd. When it lightened up around  her, I went up to her and explained that I was his co-worker. That we worked on several projects together and he was wonderful at his job, that he was a good man. And she hugged me and cried. I'm glad I went.

Yes, SB, I'm just waiting for the house to be done, then I will pass off the taxes to some tax company and I found a road to drive to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, so that's a weekend road trip. I have made plans to go leaf peeping and apple picking with my D in October and I decided to make it an adventure and spent the money for a JetBlue Mint Ticket(I booked so early, it wasn't that much more than a standard ticket) It's an experience. I want to find people who will off road with me in Utah, as there are a lot of great roads off the beaten trek there. It's just hard for us all to get there with our rigs and still  have time to drive. I'm searching for more weekend trips, where I can get a cheap flight somewhere, rent a vehicle and see how much I can see in whatever area I'm in. MeowWolf was the first of those, and I want to squeeze in several more before my body gives out altogether.

I suppose I should dust and vacuum every so often, too.....

[stillbaffled]

I found a road to drive to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, so that's a weekend road trip.

Oh my gosh....I would so love to do this with you!  I've never been to the Grand Canyon and it's been on my bucket list for years to hike to the bottom of it.  Now, I fear I'm getting too old to accomplish it but I could sure off road with you! 

I hope you'll share details of the trip after you return. 

Your fall adventure list sounds fun as well!  Keep living life big, OR!  That's what we're doing and we're doing it well! 

[OffRoad]

My life is so not very exciting. I'm kind of liking it that way.

Next week I'm off for a desert to mountain off road run, and if we get into the mountains early enough, I'll check in with a 100K race and see if they need a driver to pick up aid stations and bring back drop bags. (I've done this for a couple of races where the runners are on some pretty hilly terrain and lugging the canopies and supplies in and out is rough.) My mothers house is set to finalize escrow on Monday, I've sorted most of the paperwork, just need to deal with taxes when we get there. My sister needs to check the attic to make sure she didn't miss anything, so I will be joining her on Saturday so if she falls off the ladder she will not be alone.

And this is where I get my confusion on. My sister is married. Her husband, up until a year or so ago played sand volleyball. And yet could never help pick up, move, load, unload anything (groceries included) because his back hurt. But he could play sand volleyball. OK, maybe different muscles, I can maybe buy that. So then there is this whole thing with the house and all the stuff. When his mother was ill and died, my sister was there helping out, cleaning up, etc. To his credit, her husband brought us dinner one night while were staked out in the hospital. But every time my sister climbed a ladder into the rafters, or hauled items home, he was nowhere to be found. When I asked her, she said "He's at the beach, it's his weekend." My thought was 'Your weekend, too, and you spent time helping him with his mother." But the truly confusing thing? He doesn't seem to care that she is climbing around on a ladder in an empty house with no one close enough to call for help. Hence, while I could not care less about anything in the attic, I'll be taking three hours out of my weekend to make sure she's still on one piece when she is done. I may not be able to climb the ladder, but I can steady the ladder or call for help if she falls.

I'm feeling like I've not lost anything when I see a marriage like that. I seem to be having one of those 'I am so confused" regarding the world today.

In more good news for Offroad Adventures^TM, my legs are improving. Slowly, but they are getting there. I fixed the sprinklers in the front yard and the next day every muscle in my right side was cramped up. But when it healed, my hip and legs were better. I wonder if I have enough sprinklers to get them back to normal? 

4 more boxes of Goodwill quality belongings gone, one son sent back to AZ, three sections of carpet pulls re-glued back into place, one Roomba programmed to vacuum, and one roast ready to eat (these 9:30 dinners are a killer).  It's a pleasant life.

[stillbaffled]

4 more boxes of Goodwill quality belongings gone, one son sent back to AZ, three sections of carpet pulls re-glued back into place, one Roomba programmed to vacuum, and one roast ready to eat (these 9:30 dinners are a killer).  It's a pleasant life.

OR - Congrats on getting Mom's house/estate almost wrapped up.  That's a load off your plate. 

Good news regarding your leg improvement. 

You're certainly accomplishing things and that is an awesome feeling for sure.  I most certainly feel the same way. 

Carry on with the pleasant life! 

[OffRoad]

Thanks, SB. I know you get it.

The house closed on the 12th. I distributed the bulk of the money on the 13th. My sister bought a new car to replace her 3 year old car the 14th. There was a reason I was in charge of the money. I now get 4 months to relax until tax season when I have to stand in line in half a dozen government offices, death certificate and will in hand, waiting to get all the 1099s I need. Except I forgot the remaining four cemetery plots my parents had purchased. I don't need them, my sister doesn't need them, we are checking to see if anyone else needs them, but the podunk cemetery has no idea how to transfer the plots from my mother's name to anyone else's name. My parents had this little certified deed thing that said they owned the pieces of land, but it isn't registered with the county or anything.  Maybe we'll just put some nice benches on the spare ground and be done.

And since I had no requirements this past weekend, desert to mountain run off road for me. I needed that. We visited one trashed cabin, one that people keep up, with an open invitation for whomever to use it (just please don't trash it) and one that has been burnt down. I had purchased a go pro knockoff that provided me with some amazingly good footage,  but I need to find a better way to mount it. Geez, those little things get hot, and the battery dies at the most inopportune times. I have a really nice end of video where you can see the Jeep ahead of me heading up at about 45° and just as I turn to head up behind him, pfffttt. But there were other hills that I got to film. I also got to bring a shoe sole full of pine sap home. That's some good, aromatic glue, I'll tell you!  Good people, great conversation both on the road via radio and at stops.

Sunday I started cleaning my own house, with a stop for birthday dinner with my sister, niece and her hubby. I will be 60 on Wednesday. My brain has no idea, but my body keeps reminding it. People at work keep telling me about their vacations sitting on the beach with drinks and why don't I do that? I'll sit on the beach drinking non alcoholic mimosas when I'm almost dead. Until then, join up or get out of my way as I limp on.   I really say that I like to see something I've never seen or do something I've never done, but most people don't understand my spelunking and rappelling story when they know I am both claustrophobic and acrophobic. (Feel the fear and do it anyway-glad I did it then, ain't happening now)

As I was cleaning out papers, I ran into the "immediately after BD laundry list" of all my faults. What a difference four years makes. I was not allowed to be unhappy. Ever. (You must be happy all the time. Really.  It's there.) And what went through my mind right at that moment was "Firetruck you, xh".
He could come home and vent all he wanted, but I was only allowed 10 minutes of venting time. Then I must change the subject. "Firetruck you"
I was not to sigh. Ever. "Firetruck you"
Or roll my eyes for any reason. "Double Firetruck you, since you are the one who sighs and rolls your eyes"
I had to decide on EVERY dinner out, but he could over rule my decision. "Firetruck you"
We could only have a discussion if we both agreed with the subject matter ( no disagreements) "Firetruck you"

I could go on, but why? Please note, there are no exclamation points on my "Firetruck yous". Why? Because it was really a retroactive reaction that I would have liked to have had the presence of mind to have done when he handed that ridiculous thing to me. It was almost a "meh" "Firetruck you". I wasn't angry, or disappointed in myself for even still having it.  I was mildly amused and for the most part thinking "I wasn't imagining it, he was a total jerk. Huh. How about that?" And that solidification that whatever he is at this time in his life is nothing I need in my life.

So pulling from the other thread, Is the LBS always right? Is the MLCER always wrong?  My MLCER is certainly wrong for me at this time, maybe for all time. I like having my own opinion. I like being sarcastic with other sarcastic folks.  I like singing off key(because I cannot carry a tune in a bucket) at the top of my lungs with the music cranked up and the kids in off key lack of harmony in the car. I like being happy and sad and frightened and glad (Interjections! Show excitement or emotion! Hallelujah!). I like driving around and pointing to some place and saying "Let's try that " on occasion.  So if that isn't "right" for my MLCER, ok.

But I do find myself running the gamut of emotion on occasion.  For the childhood  I loved that wasn't the norm, but I didn't know any different so I enjoyed it. For the lack of parental support, which really contributed to what I am today, which isn't a completely bad thing, but I think I might have liked some support.  For the retirement I will likely spend without a significant other, but definitely not alone. For my children, who may forever think that what happened with their father and I is "normal" and may color their world a dreary gray instead of the Crayola box of colors it should be.  For every day, still being mobile on my own no matter how hard or painful it is to walk, still having a job where I can support myself, still really wanting some time off where there is nothing required or necessary to be done. And it's all ok and no one is telling me I'm "wrong" for what I feel.

It's that contentment thing I'm really growing to love.

[stillbaffled]

Hey OR! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

I hope your day was fabulous and that you did something that just made you smile all day long! 

Nice job on getting the house/estate wrapped up (well, except for that cemetery plot business!). 

Keep rolling those miles on.  Love the go-pro story.  I've been thinking about getting one for my helmet when I'm on the Harley. 

[OffRoad]

Thank you, SB. My day was fabulous. And I got free desserts everywhere for a week. Always good to share so that everyone gets some, but not too much!

Journaling a bit. On my fabulous birthday, I was fortunate enough to work in some truth to D22. She had not texted for my birthday and I was concerned. I texted and asked if everything was OK. She responded asking if I felt something odd in the world, and immediately texted her brother (I actually seem to have a feeling for when things are wrong and know when to ping the kids, but this wasn't one of those times). Her brother then told her he was the good child this time because he remembered to text me. When D texted to apologize, I told her I was just concerned, it was not like her to not text. Turns out it was the beginning of the school year at her old Alma Mater, and she was helping build sets for the first play of the season. Days got lost, completely understandable.  So we Skyped for a while (S20 was scheduled for later in the evening after his class).

Backing up, at the end of S20's summer visit, he mentioned that his cat had fallen of the balcony and she was in a drainage pipe when she was found "they" checked her out and she was OK. I said "They? What is it you aren't telling me?" S looked very sheepish, then sad, then said "Dad has a girl friend."  This was nothing I hadn't already suspected, being as I was forced to stalk to find S's address when XH wouldn't originally tell me the address. What I discovered was a person with the same first name as the person who supposedly "helps" with his business and has for more time than anyone else knows and he would ever admit (Means it was likely a long distance OW that he denied). The last name, however was different and it showed she was still married. At the time, I shrugged and thought "Yeah, whatever."

I have truly reached meh. When S said his dad had a girlfriend, the only thing that came out of my mouth was "Does she treat you well?" S just looked at me. I said, " All I care about is that she treats you well."  S replied, "Well she has questionable morals." I nearly lost it . Gee, duh, do you think? (I won't go into the felgercarb she had written for a job application to be a ...wait for it...Judge, because she is currently a...wait for it...attorney, except to say that in bold lettering in one section she states "She and her husband do everything with their children and her marriage and family are the most important things in her life, next to church and volunteering for *everything under the sun*". Written 3/2019 after she had been living with XH and S20 for six months. You cannot make this stuff up. Hey, I had to be sure my son wasn't living with an axe murderer. You put things on the internet, people see it.) And this is how I know I reached meh. I didn't care, except to make sure S (and his cat) were safe. S, on the other hand, stood up, put out his arms and said "Huggy?"

So back to D and I, and I said, "I want to get that elephant out of the room. S told me about your father's GF." And D nearly fell apart. "I wanted to tell you, but I wasn't sure you were so upset when Dad left. I hated not telling, thank you so much for letting me know." And I said, "D, I get to be upset. I get to be sad and I get to be angry. I get to feel whatever way I'm going to feel when you and your brother choose sides. And I get to work through it however I need to.' And D said (you can guess this one)"We didn't choose sides. What were we supposed to do, abandon dad?"

I took a deep breath. " Tell, me D. When S went to live with his dad, you refused to tell me where your father, where your BROTHER was going to live. Did you respect my wishes to know where your brother was living?"
"No."
"Did you instead honor your father's wishes to keep S's location SECRET from me?"
"Yes."
"That was choosing sides. You chose your father's wishes over mine. You chose your father's SELFISH wishes over my concerned wishes. Your father told me we should never have had S. Am I supposed to believe that S is safe with a crazy man who won't tell me where my son is living? It made me feel really bad to be forced to become a stalker to make sure I knew where S was if I needed to come and get him for any reason."
Stricken look on D's face.
Me: " Sometimes there ARE only sides. Whatever you choose, and make no mistake, anytime you choose to do whatever your father tells you to do without consulting me WHEN IT AFFECTS ME is choosing sides, there is most likely going to be a hurt party. You GET to make your decisions, you are allowed to choose sides when you decide or need to. Then I get to decide how I will deal with that when I find out, because I will find out. I ALWAYS find out. Your lying to me because you are worried I will get upset does not help. Instead, it makes me sad that either you or he have put you in the position where you feel like you have to lie to me, either directly or by omission."
More stricken looks from D. Also, a slight light bulb moment.
Me: "It took me less than 15 minutes to find out where S was living. So you didn't tell me the address for no reason at all, except your father wanted that control, where your dad maneuvered S to live with him, totally blindsiding me without ever giving me any input at all and I wasn't allowed to know where he was. That was screwed up, D."
D nearly in tears at this point.
Me: "Please think about what you do. Think about how you would feel if someone did this to you. How would you feel if I moved away, took your brother, and refused to tell you where he was at?"
Back to stricken look on D.
Me:  "I don't need to know anything about your father or his GF. I just want to know S is not around people who are dangerous to him, or who might hurt him or his cat (because my son would be absolutely destroyed if anything happened to his cat). When you choose your fathers side, I will be hurt. After the things he said and did to me, it will always hurt when you choose to side with someone who could behave to another human being in such a fashion. I get to be hurt, I get to work my way through the hurt and decide how I want to deal with it. Life isn't always "happy" and I am OK with that. I do understand that he didn't say or do those things to you, so you think it's OK. That's your choice to make.

Everything is now out on the table. I don't want any more "secrets". If it needs to be a "secret", it's screwed up."

And then I changed the subject and we moved on to everything else in life. Had a nice hour and half conversation until it was S's turn to talk. I have to remember that D is only 22, and that she has no frame of reference for how to behave when a parent is a sparkly turd. I do have to say that XH's parents confound me, though. It was OK for their son to do what he did to me, but when XH's father stayed with his wife who had dementia until the very end (like 86), then found a "friend" shortly after, he was persona non grata. But then, that also kind of explains why XH is as screwed up as he is.

[UrsaMajor]

Oh my..... THAT was not just a truth dart, that was a whole barrage....


but, at 22, that is a lesson that needed to be learned.... She'll be thinking about that for a while...

[Treasur]

Sounds like a good life lesson for your daughter OR...a hard earned lesson for many of us LBS much later in life of course. There is something so insidious about secrets and lies and dysfunction that we can all ending up making choices without always quite realising that this is what we are actually doing. And how important respect is for ourselves and others, even if we disagree with their POV profoundly. Sounds like you ran a small efficient masterclass on personal responsibility 

[Tyks]

Damn, I wish I could express myself like you.