[Jackolar12]

Hi SS, as you couldn't see or feel the fog could it have been clinical depression that was making you act self centred and in survival mode. Depression can numb you and interfere with rational thought.
Jack

[Anon]

Hi Shock Sis,

Something I have noticed with my h a lot,,,, even now 2+ years after bd.    He lies,,, well that is MLC for you so I expect it.   The lies usually are pointless and so it is easy to ignore.   The most common lie is about the time he spends out of town visiting with the ow.   He is always out of town and always there.   Rarely, if ever, does he go out of town for any other reason.   I NEVER ask where he is or where he is going but,,, sometimes (often), he will admit to being out of town, but only for 4 days when in fact it is for 10 days,,, or say he is out of town to visit a dying friend when he is really back with ow in her hometown.   He is always implying (to me at least) in various ways that he is not in a serious relationship when in fact it is very serious and says this to other friends and family, just not to me.   It is pointless now for him to protect my feelings with these lies and he knows it.  I am so done with him and couldnt be more indifferent so why does he do this?

So what is the point of these lies?  Why does he offer false information (a lie) when it wasnt necessary to say anything at all?    I hear other lbs saying the same thing or similar about the many lies but I dont think Ive heard anyone respond with an answer that explains why.   Can you shed light on this common but peculiar MLC trait?

Thanks Shock Sis

[terra]

Hello,
Would you please share examples of how om was manipulative? thanks

This! Also, how long between “meeting” om online and then moving in together? My h seemed to do this very quickly (6 weeks) and that was how he was when he married xw. I don’t move that fast so I don’t really understand how others do, and he won’t answer my questions about it.

Thank you for answering my earlier question about the grief/bereavement aspect. I’m sorry for whatever particulars you endured via your dad when young. If you or your sister haven’t done EMDR yet, that was the one therapy (mostly nonverbal) that really helped me forward from a lot of things I either couldn’t or didn’t want to talk about.

Grief therapy wasn’t all that helpful, but I’m hopeful that the field of interest becomes “smarter” over time. Your sharing and insight shows a lot of humanity of a different aspect of this process, and I hope life is good to you in all the best ways.

My D15 is so much quicker than I am, to catch on to and call out manipulation. I think we hear a lot about how women are manipulative, but what does that look like in a man? Or when in a fog?

[Jackolar12]

Hi SS, what was your drive during MLC and what did you do on a daily basis to achieve it. When you woke up was it gradual or sudden. Also now your in control what do you enjoy doing that was different pre-MLC.
Kind regards
jack

[ChrissYAH]

Shocksis, from what my daughter tells me the ow is very controlling, xh was spending time with my youngest and she msgd him 'shouting' U SAID U WILL BE HOME AT 6!, the other weird thing is they both share the car and other non sensical stuff normal married couples don't do , seems to be she's very insecure and controlling in his right mind he would never put up with that $h!te, why do these om/ow all have same/or similar traits?

[Why Stand]

Firstly, I've been reading this thread for a number of weeks now, and it has to be said, SS needs praising to high heaven for the courage to actually put herself out there, describing the process from the other side, for those of us living the LBS lifestyle.

I find the information absorbing and I can see so much of what my W has done in every single sentence.  This is serious 'script' activity, and I also notice everyone is noticing the same things (is a special trigger placed in certain people at birth!).

I know everyone has their own particular question to ask, and SS has been awesome at answering them all, so.....here's mine!

My W is probably heading towards the end of her MLC (I think...who knows?).  The fantasy lifestyle has gone; she appears more humble and wants to spend more time with the kids; happy to spend a few moments of time in my company, but, I just don't understand why she can't just come back?  So, boiling it down, at what point did you want to return, and how long did it take you to make the ultimate 'I want him back' decision to actually thinking of a course of action (BTW I am aware that your H has remarried).  Thanks in anticipation!

[Shockandawe]

Hi Savvy

Sorry I have taken a while to reply but I have been working a lot!

Ok, yes I feel I have resolved my issues and I’ll probably be aware of anything else if there’s any more to crop up though I doubt it.

I have read the links you posted and yes they are bang on because I can see the similarities between om and my Father and know my ex h wasn’t like my Father in his attitude or temperament but om was.

It’s quite amazing when I look back at how stupid I was but I had to go back to move forward if that makes sense. I know I am at peace with everything now and when Shock tells me about her h I instantly recognise the things I said and did and I cannot believe I was responsible for all the hurt and pain and destruction I caused but I know I was the driver of my own crazy bus.

LBSers to you I apologise for your hurt and devastation and feel humbled by your acceptance of me. We all heal at different paces but we heal eventually and if I can help in that healing I will.

Just remember your MLCer for who they were because they are in there somewhere but for now are lost and you cannot be their co driver as you’re not equipped for that job.

[Shockandawe]

Hi 1Trouble

I would avoid places which evoked memories and I would train my mind to ignore any thoughts or feelings for my ex h but occasionally yes, I would have the odd thought come into my head and I would try to block it out but sometimes when I was alone I would have a quiet weep. I would then think about how he was weak and needy and that would close down the sad thoughts.

[Shockandawe]

Hi Keep Believing

I didn’t think he was manipulative at all but he was very manipulative and very controlling.
I was happy to leave it as an ea and after a few months chatting and him listening to all my problems with ex h, how unhappy I was etc, he asked me to visit in person. I said at first I didn’t think it was a good idea as he knew from the start I was married. He began telling me how I deserved to be treated better, how he adored me and would make sure I got to relax and de stress if I visited him. He was very convincing and I told him I could come over and as I had a friend in his city I would tell my ex h I wanted to visit her for a week. The om began to tell me he didn’t think it was fair on my ex h to lie to him and he deserved to know the truth. At the time I thought he was kindness itself to think about my ex h but that’s not what he was doing. He implied that if I didn’t tell my ex h the truth about where I was going then he wouldn’t be there for me and he would cut communication with me. I was afraid of that because he was the one person who made me feel something. It was highly manipulative and emotional blackmail.
When the fog began to clear that was one thought that came back to me over and over again. Had I not been in MLC I firstly would not have ever looked at him twice and secondly tell him where to go in the lowest of terms lol.
Just shows how messed up we are.

[Shockandawe]

Hi Anon and Terra

Lies are sometimes what a manipulative ow/om tells your MLCer to do to you as they want the maximum hurt on you and total control of your spouse.
The MLCer is living a complete lie and because you know them best and would know they aren’t all happy as a pig in the proverbial, they lie. It’s a paradox to live a lie but tell the truth about it. I told so many lies and I am a very honest person but I lied anyway. It’s also something I did to convince myself I was justified doing what I was doing. So a combination of reasons but you can bet your life at least one of those reasons are in action every time they open their mouths to speak.