[Shockandawe]

Hi Jackolar

At the very beginning I suspected I was depressed but thought I could cope. My ex h kept insisting I visit the doctor and to shut him up I did. I wore my sunglasses and headphones but removed the headphones in the Doctor’s office. He prescribed AD’s which I promptly flushed as I didn’t think I had anything wrong with me because at this point I had entered the fog.
I told my ex h the Doctor said I was just grieving and I would be ok. The early days of the fog started my lie extravaganza!!

[beyondblessed]

So, Shock Sis, why the lies, if you did what you felt was "right"?  I could accept that my xh wanted a different life, but why keep up with the lying about it.  Why not just own it and keep going ?  Every lie he told was one more nail in his coffin where I was concerned.   To me, the lies were even more disrespectful than the cheating. 

[Jackolar12]

Hi SS, do you think the anti depressants would have helped if you took them. In your MLC condition did you ever consider harming your husband in a physical way. How was your alcohol consumption during this time, and did you make silly statements like mine did.

[Shockandawe]

Hi Beyond Blessed

When I was deep in MLC I would lie ALL of the time. I will try to explain but this is more difficult than you would imagine because a lot of it is mind blowing and hard to put into words.
The lies, especially to my ex h were told because of a combination of reasons. One was I would tell him things I thought he wanted to hear to get him to stop asking questions. I would lie to him because I didn’t want to let him completely go. I would lie to him because it stopped my guilt this was quite early in but when the fog arrived and didn’t leave it would convince me I wasn’t lying but he was! That my new fantasy life was the right one and my real life was false. That the words coming out of my mouth when the fog was thickest were totally true. I became very deceitful and didn’t want my ex h to know anything or very very little and so I would tell him only some if any of what I was doing. In the end I was living in a world of deceit and falsehood, fantasy and dreams, selfishness and no responsibilities.
Why then would I want to share my life with my ex h when he was my enemy, the one person I didn’t trust, the person responsible for my unhappiness, the person I was desperately trying to get away from. I lied and lied! I’m not even sure if part of it was to deliberately hurt him though that was in the anger stage as it changed to indifference.
But I lied to everyone not exclusively my ex h. Again I will ask why would I live a lie but tell the truth about it? This would be a paradox.

[Shockandawe]

Hi Jackolar

I really don’t know if AD’s would have helped as MLC has to run its course and I’m not totally convinced that AD’s would help I would think they would slow it down and make it take longer. I didn’t and wouldn’t take them anyway!
I didn’t drink alcohol as I’m not a drinker.
Yes I did sometimes feel like physically harming my ex h whilst he revved monster. He irritated me when he was begging and pleading or asking questions I didn’t want to answer and had no intention of answering.

[Sunandshade]

Hi Shocksis,
Again thank you for sharing what i’m sure are painful truths. Can you expand a little on the lying, for example lies to OM, friends (those who did and did not support your actions)? This is a hard question but what made you stop lying? How long (from awakening) before you were trustworthy?
Us LBS are encouraged not to snoop (verify) but my husband has come home, still with many issues but post-awakening and it’s difficult to know what is true. Did it take time to untangle lies to yourself? Did pride delay you in anyway?

[megogirl]

SS

Were you even aware that there was something different/wrong with you, or was it all just "business as usual?"

I am trying to imagine what my XH was thinking as he was getting married, what he's thinking now, and how he will feel once he snaps out of it.  I would think that if he never felt there was a problem in the first place, he wouldn't even care.  Am I right?

thanx xxx

[terra]

Thank you as always, Shocks sis — if it helps you in any way, h lied/lies not just to me but to most everyone, including total strangers he only knew for five minutes. The first year after moveaway, he recounted stories of these weird conversations and how he would just say little and let anyone guess as to who he was and what life he had lived.

I won’t recount them here but it seemed he was allowing the outer world to perceive whatever they perceived, and these perceptions then gave him some idea of different directions his life or character may have taken, or could take. As he was “away” anyway, and making house with ow, I was able to sit back and simply listen. None of this particular lying has any impact on me, and it was interesting to hear how he was showing up in his new life.

And of course for all I know, those stories he told may have been lies too. But still with a kernel of truth somehow. He shows up well and just cannot see it for himself. Yet.

An aside: I have recently come across old emails from our past life together. I’m not triggered by them, but don’t want to keep them. Kind of like just not wanting the evidence of anything bad. I feel similarly about a dried bouquet of roses he gave me in the early years. Previously I’d held onto these all as facts of us that I could see and refer to. Anymore, I just want to clear the space and make way for the new — whether just new me, or God willing, new us.

From your own post-MLC perspective, do you think it is ok to release these things of the old past? Some are really sweet, but I can’t help but think they will pale in comparison to anything we would give or make together in the future, if we reconnect.

[Jackolar12]

Hi SS, I sure do hope you get a shot at making things right with your former husband as you both need the closure to decide the next step forward and get some inner peace.

[Anon]

Can you expand a little on the lying, for example lies to OM, friends (those who did and did not support your actions)? This is a hard question but what made you stop lying?

I have been aware since bd of the incredible ability to lie from my h.   What is baffling is often these lies are completely unnecessary.   He has lied to ow when it made no sense to do so and to me as well.   I have become so used to them that I pay no attention but his latest lie reawakened my curiosity.

I am on the verge of listing our house for sale and there is lots to do to get ready.   H is seldom around as he is on the other side of the country visiting ow for 50% of his time.   I know this,, he knows I know this too.   So when I asked him last week WHEN he was going to be around so he could clear out the garage, amongst other things,, he said he was going out of town to see a dear friend dying of cancer and would be back this week.   I offered condolences and then said see you next week.     

It turns out he didnt go see the sick friend.   He was visiting ow instead.   Why lie about this?  I assumed he was going to see her until he lied otherwise.  His ow didnt even know he was telling me the lie.   So it makes no sense to me.   This is an example of a type of lie he tells all the time when it seems to serve no one for any apparant reason.  Does any of it make sense to you?   Thanks Ss.