[Acorn]

Certain people's repeated behavior was excused repeatedly.  And is still excused regardless of the code of conduct.  The high school clique is not only still alive and well but growing stronger.  One still can't disagree with some without being accused of being mean or argumentative.  That's not bending over backwards.  That's conflict avoidant codependent enabling and paving a clear path to becoming a victim of MLC which allows MLC to define one's life.  Yes, in my opinion. 

<snip>

It's interesting to this law professor the people who say there must be order and rules.  That's true.  However, tenets of law dictate that the rules apply to all fairly, that like actions are punished in like fashion, and that punishment fits the action and intent.  That includes posters and mods.  That's lacking.  Yes, in my opinion.

Yes, the above is my opinion as well.

Someone observed that he/she could sense fundamental changes on the forum.  One of the biggest changes I see is what LP said:

The high school clique is not only still alive and well but growing stronger.
 
On a different note, I would like to add that there is this thing called ‘protest actions’ which may break the law or rules because his voice is silenced and he sees unfairness/inconsistency in the way punishments are handed out.  He may not see any other way to protest, except to defy the rules.  I am not suggesting that is what actually happened with Anjae but it is a possibility I am willing to consider. 

[Milly]

Could the members not have a vote when a fellow member is to be banned? Can't our voices be included? May we have a say?

I miss Anjae. My BD was over 5 years ago, I post regularly, there's very few on here from all that time ago. Anjae was here when I arrived. She was a reference for me. That doesn't mean I read everything she wrote every time, or agreed with everything she wrote, but isn't that normal?

Isn't part of our growth the ability to listen to others we don't always agree with? To not take comments from others, that hit a nerve with us, personally? To learn to stand up for ourselves by ourselves? To not shut out people who make things difficult for us?

In fact for me, learning to speak out when difficult comments were made to me, was such a vital part of my growth. I believe it was fundamental to me being able to set boundaries in my current life. I was a doormat before with everyone. I was scared to say no, scared to make others not like me, scared to say something didn't suit me and therefore did it begrudgingly.  Having to come and voice my feelings here, with the knowledge that someone might not agree (and a couple did speak up on my thread at some point), allowed me to practice my boundaries. As lovely as it is to have lots of wonderful members come and support me, I do think growth comes because of having to deal with all kinds of people, including the ones who pose a challenge. I feel I missed this chance growing up. If I had had the chance to learn to set boundaries when I was younger, I would have been a much stronger person at BD, if BD would even have happened if I had matured when I was supposed to.

Anjae was able to talk about so many things. She has no kids but could be so sympathetic to those of us having a moment with one of our kids. She's not standing and says so regularly, but never once did she make me feel weak for continuing to do so. She could be funny, caring, start very intricate and often hard to follow scientific conversations that I had to skim over because they were far too difficult for me, but they showed her great capacity to learn. Wether you agreed with her view or not, she did do a lot of research. We still don't know much about this MLC crap. In all these years, all we have been able to polish is a few details like the possible length of the crisis and the possible outcome to the LBS: MLCer more likely not come back, finances more likely completely ruined, LBS more likely will need to get back to work and support herself and the kids, more likely some of the kids will not talk to the MLCer or the LBS for years. But there has been hardly or maybe no progress to determine causes of MLC or solutions. If we want to do something about this problem, we need discussions. We don't know where the answer to this devastating crisis might come from. By exchanging ideas and views, as far fetched as they might be, we might eventually find the path that leads to answers.

I'm not condoning mistreating others, but short of personally insulting or causing bodily harm to someone else, why isn't possible for grown ups to speak up for themselves when they're not happy with something? Why run to Mummy as LP says? If you don't like what someone says, say so or simply do not follow their thread. Why isn't that enough?

[Not Applicable]

Could the members not have a vote when a fellow member is to be banned? Can't our voices be included? May we have a say?

I know you mean well Milly and have no ill will toward anyone, so I am just going to assume you did not think through what you are suggesting here. This would turn it into a popularity contest, and make it even more high school clquish than it should be. And what if the vote went against someone, do you want to be responsible for them being voted off the island like some sort of reality tv show?  This is REAL life, Milly. What you are suggesting could do more psychological damage to a hurting person than being banned by a single unfair moderator could do. Who in their right mind would post in the forum if they knew that at some point an poll would be put up to determine whether they should continue to be allowed to post?

What you are suggesting is mob rule.

Would you not agree that if someone has an unpopular view, they should still be allowed to express it?

[Milly]

NYM, thanks for pointing this out. As you imagined, I hadn’t meant it this way and I certainly don’t wish anyone harm.  So maybe a vote is not the right thing.

[Slow Fade]

I too, miss Anjae. I learned more when someone gave me a 2 x 4 than when they gave me all the support in the world. I needed to hear things I may not have wanted to hear.

 Growth does not come without some pain. You do not challenge yourself if all you ever get are pats on the head or sympathetic responses that allow you to stay in victim mode.

 It was the hard questions and direct responses from Anjae and others that enabled me to crawl out of the abyss of grief and shock that bomb drop threw me into. It was the challenges to my beliefs and thoughts of worthlessness that enabled me to look at things I didn't want to look at and enabled me to grow a backbone, hold my head up and walk with dignity.

Don't get me wrong, the soft landings and comfort I received from others was a lifeline and a salve to my wounded spirit, but it was the tough love that made me grow.

Don't be afraid to be offended. It causes you to strengthen your argument for the things you believe. If you don't agree with someone's opinion or comments, just skip over them. Seems easy enough to me. Not everything requires a response.

[Nas]

Well said, Slow Fade. 

[Ready2Transform]

Agreed.

[Milly]

Agreed

[Acorn]

I too, miss Anjae. I learned more when someone gave me a 2 x 4 than when they gave me all the support in the world. I needed to hear things I may not have wanted to hear.

 Growth does not come without some pain. You do not challenge yourself if all you ever get are pats on the head or sympathetic responses that allow you to stay in victim mode.

Well said. 
I miss Anjae, too...

[serenity]

To me Anjae was a big part - an important part of THS!

She always supported me and helped me as she has many, many others’ on this site!

Maybe we should start a petition to have her brought back!?!

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