[nah]

What is curious here is why has a thread on how to deal with gaslighting been classified as a mirror work thread and not as an mlc strategy thread?

Good question.

My personal experience was I never heard the term, “gaslighting” until after BD. Why would I?  I thought I was in a happy marriage, living a normal life.

When I read about gaslighting (among other things), it was like being hit with another bomb. He had been gaslighting the crap out of me and I had no idea.

Well, my MLCer didn’t stick around, he was gone the day of BD, so why would I have to worry about gaslighting now?

Bc the ghost of his words were inside me. I trusted him, I believed every single word that came out of his mouth and now I had to separate reality from his lies, not really about his life but mine.

That was the mirror work. Mirror-work that I believe is an ongoing project.

[Songanddance]

What is curious here is why has a thread on how to deal with gaslighting been classified as a mirror work thread and not as an mlc strategy thread?

I can see why you would question that - however to me until I had recognised what my H was doing to me I couldn't recognise how my own growth was being hindered and so for me it was and still is important to be who I want to be and to be comfortable with my own decisions so that I recognise the gas lighting when it happens and it still does from my H.

So perhaps until you recognise that it is gaslighting it is mirror work and then your response can be a strategy.  That said - we know that trying to be strategic with a high replayer MLCer doesn't always yield results because strategies fail until you have done the mirror work to back it up.  It's a cycle and to be honest does it really matter what icon this thread has?  Does the debate about  have to belong to a precise icon?   it could have been part of my story and my request and your answers would have been the same.

[Nerissa]

What is curious here is why has a thread on how to deal with gaslighting been classified as a mirror work thread and not as an mlc strategy thread?

I can see why you would question that - however to me until I had recognised what my H was doing to me I couldn't recognise how my own growth was being hindered and so for me it was and still is important to be who I want to be and to be comfortable with my own decisions so that I recognise the gas lighting when it happens and it still does from my H.

So perhaps until you recognise that it is gaslighting it is mirror work and then your response can be a strategy.  That said - we know that trying to be strategic with a high replayer MLCer doesn't always yield results because strategies fail until you have done the mirror work to back it up.  It's a cycle and to be honest does it really matter what icon this thread has?  Does the debate about  have to belong to a precise icon?   it could have been part of my story and my request and your answers would have been the same.

I feel similarly.  While my self esteem was shot and I believed much of the gas lighting - that I was inadequate; that he had been unhappy; that my anger and lack of forgiveness was the problem, rather than the fact that he wouldn’t give up contact with ow; that he couldn’t talk to me but could talk to her ...etc, then I could t even begin to do mirror work properly.  I had to find some confidence that it wasn’t all my fault.

[Treasur]

Seems like mirror work to me for the simple reason that I can't do anything at all about someone else's desire to try to gaslight me, but I can do my own work to recognise it, deal with it and have the confidence and boundaries to reject it.

[OffRoad]

Seems like mirror work to me for the simple reason that I can't do anything at all about someone else's desire to try to gaslight me, but I can do my own work to recognise it, deal with it and have the confidence and boundaries to reject it.

^^^^^^That. Right there.  It's no different than anything else. How you recognize a dysfunctional communication style, and once you do, how will you choose to deal with it. I recognized my experience was valid  ( I  fortunately had facts to back up my feeling I was alone in the marriage), I chose to do nothing except continue family life without a checked in H and father.

But the tools? That one made me start to feel crazy until the third time I found them in his nightstand and I simply said, "Hey, I see you found my tools." They never went missing again, but BD followed shortly thereafter.

[3Boys4Me]

Here’s another good one - Sporty Son was injured two weeks ago that required a trip to the Energency Room/hospital. Last week we had a follow up with a specialist who talked about course of treatment options - one included MRI and PT, one straight to PT - this orthopedist specializes in work with athletes - he said, “all my elite athletes prefer to get the MRI first, gives them more info with the therapist and surgeon if we ultimately need that@ - H came to the appt with me and son.  End of spot we agreed MRI plus PT. h was going to call insurance company to push through MRI approval. He calls us in the car about half an hour later and say he talked to insurance and they were working on it - the next morning I get an email from him, the first line says “I don’t think we should get an MRI..” I email him back saying “I’m confused we just agreed on an MRI last night... his next email to me, the first line reads “I never said he shouldn’t get him an MRI” - total and complete gaslighting - now I just say, stop gaslighting me - read the first sentence of your email.

Intentional effort to make you feel crazy? Ramblings of a mind that no longer works properly, I don’t know, but it really does make you feel like you are going crazy if you don’t learn how to identify it, not react to it, and feed it back to the person doing the gaslighting.

[Seahorse]

Okay - so question...  how to differentiate gaslighting from just plain lying?
Or is gaslighting lying to put the blame on you?

So,. I gave my H a picture of myself in 2005 from when he was going away for 8 months.  It had been on his bedside table since then.  One day, after I had been out of town with his ill father, I noticed that it wasn't on there any longer.  I look and it's face down in his bedside table.  I asked him what happened to it, and he said "it must have fallen behind the nightstand".  I obviously knew he was lying, but next time I went upstairs, he had moved it to be under the nightstand!  I just laughed so hard...

SO is that gaslighting or just plain old lying!?!

[3Boys4Me]

Sea - gaslighting
Gaslighting has this element of trying to make you feel crazy and to question what you “know” - so that you question yourself - like did you really hear, experience what you heard - it’s the Wizard if Oz, I’m manipulating you but pay no attention to the person you see behind the curtain

[Treasur]

Great example, Sea.
If he had just said the nightstand thing, a lie.
Moving it? Gaslighting.

[Seahorse]

Good discernment Treasur!

I'm sure that picture was destroyed when he moved his things into his new house - now he'll never have to worry about hiding it again!