[MyBrainIsBroken]

This topic has really bothered me. If you're dealing with somebody who is going through an MLC, how can it be relevant to view it through any lens other than the MLC lens? If the MLC is ongoing, how could continuing to view the situation through the MLC lens mean that you're stuck? It's still an MLC.

Then I realized what my problem is. It's as if I left home and when I returned I found that a new family with different values had moved in. This is no longer a support site for people who are standing for their marriage. Even the tagline mentioning standing has been removed from the Banner. This site has become much like all of the other divorce sites. There is no longer anything special about it. The thing that made it unique, support for standers, has been discarded. I should have realized that when I read Airmid's derisive comment about standers on the first thread.

If you really want to be honest with newbies you should tell them to forget about reconciliation. That isn't what this forum is here for. The purpose of this forum is to help people transition to a new life without the MLCer.

[Nas]

I feel there is lack of perspectives on mlc that isn't filtered through the lens of the relationship with the lbs,this discussion included.

It’s interesting, when my h showed signs of MLC and treated me horribly, I started off wanting to know everything about MLC and use it to explain away my h’s actions.
When my brother shows signs of MLC and treats me horribly, I immediately said let him go pound sand, if he wants his family back he’ll shape up, do the work and straighten himself out.

MLC was only a factor for me insofar as I needed a reason to believe my h would “wake up” and realize he didn’t actually want to throw me away like garbage.
My ego was not so invested with my brother, therefore his MLC didn’t help explain away his terrible behavior.

I only wish I could have been immediately detached with my h as I was with my brother. I can now watch my brother almost from a standpoint of research and really see how he’s moving through his MLC.

[Father5]

That's a very interesting perspective NAS. You have a front row seat to this I would be interested to see how your brother ends up. I think the difference for me now is that I am letting the hurt and pain flow. I am not letting the fear control so much of my thoughts and maybe that is why I am changing my views. I guess I just wonder after reading this thread if I was told about the statistics or knot. Weather it would have made difference in me and my thought process.

[Nas]

Father5, fwiw, I think you are going through the same grieving process we all did, where at first we all wanted to believe our spouse was different, MLC was temporary and our spouse would come through it and the whole nightmare would end.

Truth is, we don't know what will happen for any of us.  But I think it's great that you are grieving (not bottling up your feelings) and that you can see the situation more clearly from your place of healing.  You and your kids come first now. 

[Not Applicable]

This topic has really bothered me. If you're dealing with somebody who is going through an MLC, how can it be relevant to view it through any lens other than the MLC lens? If the MLC is ongoing, how could continuing to view the situation through the MLC lens mean that you're stuck? It's still an MLC

Because they are going through an MLC but you aren't. Because treating them like an mlcer is much more stressful and unatural than just being the spouse that you have always been. I recently decided to treat my h as if he isn't in mlc, like he is normal. Let it be his problem if having a kind loving wife who treats him nicely and expects the same in return makes him uncomfortable. I am not doing anything wrong, am I? It is so much more relaxing.

[Watcher]

I tend to agree about that transitioning comment. I mentioned that to someone quite awhile ago myself. I don't see anything wrong with standing. Hence that's why I joined this forum however the tone has changed over the years.

Is everyone here financially protected ? IDK. I know I'm not. I have no advice for newbies. They have to believe what is right for their situation. I would never tell anyone not to stand.

When I say viewing things through the MLC lens I mean I've been making excuses for being physically assaulted. For being emotionally abused. Taken advantage of financially. Being dragged into court. Dealing with the police.

I have a real Monster of a crisis. The woman wants to destroy me and that's not just hyperbole.

So after the last discard and her taking me to court going on year #5 what recourse was I left with. Something had to change on my end. I had to stop treating her as MLC. The MLC labeling protects what this person has become. She is constantly in Monster. Some of us inherited really nasty violent MLCers. She is not the woman I married.

Now I'm divorcing her because 2 separate lawyers told me to protect myself. Logically I can still view her as being in a crisis for that is the truth.

She has to face consequences for her behavior now and I was enabling her myself by not holding her accountable and always chalking it up to MLC.

I'm getting a divorce. I don't feel that I need a label for myself. Standing/ not standing. I know I will be living. That's my goal. I know what I have to do. Again if she is ever to come out of her crisis then I am confident that she will seek me out to let me know.

If I had continued viewing it through the MLC lens then there never would  have been any chance for a life for myself. She is an abuser and unfortunately I have to view her as such until the day comes when her actions say different.

Its nothing personal. I pray she will get help and recover one day. I'm still rooting for the woman as she is not my enemy.

[Airmid]

Watcher -
The theme of this thread (as I understand it)  is not about standing or not standing.
It is about whether or not looking through the MLC lens keeps you stuck.
You can be divorced and still be "standing".  There are people on here that are in exactly that position.

I think the point of discussion is - is your view of MLC hindering you in your personal growth?
And the other sideline discussion is - what defines stuck?

It is the view of a few posters that the odds or reconciliation are fractional.
Even if that is true - if you are a stander - it should have no impact on you - you know what you are standing for and the "odds" of outcome has nothing to do with it.

I want to make this point because I know there are  some posters who would like to define this as an "anti-stander" thread - which it is not.

I agree with Lawprofessor when she states:

I still can't see how the reality of the situation [sic - considering the reconciliation rate is low] is being considered a negative that somehow endangers the site and the message of the site.

[in it]

Watcher you have no idea how relieved I am to see you post that.

Takes some of us quite a bit to see it's simply not worth our peace, our safety, our sanity, our lives and a whole lot of other things to finally say enough.

No one should be told to "hang in there" and go through what you did. Anyone who may have encouraged you to keep going or considered your thread anything positive, really wasn't reading what you were posting.

What you went through wasn't worth having an intact family. It's kind of one of the misleading things..these abusers seem to click all the boxes so it looks like an MLC. These types are lost to themselves. Looking for who they think it is safe to take their anger out on.


And an MLC or whatever this is is NO excuse for abuse.

[OffRoad]

What has the reconciliation rate got to do with being stuck?  Is the question now "Does the advice given here cause people to be stuck?" Or maybe "Does not knowing the reconciliation rate keep you stuck?"  Maybe the question is "Does believing that your marriage might reconcile keep you stuck?"

Imo, looking through the MLC lens can help, hinder or both. It depends on what you do with that MLC lens. And for some it is a help, for some it was a help for whatever amount of time, for some it was a hindrance  and for some it's still a hindrance. You can miss someone and not dwell on it. You can want someone back and not stop your life until they come back.

IMO, if you can't think of anything except your MLCer, you are stuck, even if you are standing, even if you still love them. Obsession isn't healthy for anyone.

[Thunder]

MB,
I understand what you are saying, and I know some others feel the same way.

Maybe this is a good time to reread what RCR said about standing.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/stand_how-do-you-stand.html

 https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/stand_reasons-to-stand.html