[Buggy31]

So maybe bare minimum is after coming through the crisis and not when they return home.

[Shantilly Lace]

Buggy that was what I was thinking.
Not only that but it becomes a blueprint for all relationships we have.

[Buggy31]

Yes think about it...even the relationships we have with OURSELVES...the most important of all

[LettingGo]

Lisaweaves.... just so you know.... that was my FANTASY!!! It's not likely to happen that way AT ALL or to even be close... but what if that is how they feel inside and show you in their actions they are devoted to you?

Today, as my husband struggled to tell me what I already knew, that he felt he had some unfinished business to take care of with "that bit**" and I just replied, "ok" and went on with our convo.... he said "I'm coming HOME... I want you to know.... I love you soooooo much....and I thank you for sticking with me...." I said "I love you... and I'm your wife." then he broke down and got teary.... so he said he had to go. I told him to have a safe trip.

Now, that is hardly dramatic, but it is significant and let's me know he is trying.

[Trustandlove]

This is interesting..... 

I know some who have reconciled who say that it doesn't happen in one fell swoop -- there is no moment (at least no declared moment) of "oh my god, what have I done"; it often goes out with a whimper, as Mermaid said on her thread that it might do for her. 

I think the "bare minimum" might be something that moves.  Like you first accept just a pleasant conversation, after a while that's not enough.  I know that isn't about reconciiiation, it's just about having a relationship.

But those that I know who have rebuilt say that it starts with what works, even if that is just the ability to have a civil conversation, and slowly, slowly move to the next thing.  The minimum here seems to be the actions that show that the desire to do so is there.  But a lot of the work still falls to the LBS. 

For true reconciliation the minimum seems to be "no one else".  But to START the process the barrier is often much lower. 

[growing every day]

This is in interesting question for me. And I don't know if I have an answer. If I had to name it in one word it would be HONESTY.

If he could be honest then we could get to all the other things.

The bare minimun for myself right now is SANITY......

[limitless]

Honesty is the bare minimum for me.
I don't believe that I can ever accept less than that ever again.

L

[dragonfly]

For me: that I know that he found his heart and will no longer follow his ego. You know, people can't be more honest with us then they are to themselves. As long as H. wears masks, indentifies with a role and a voice in his head that tells him he is better then others, ignoring his own wrong actions and only seeing the wrong actions of others, the inner conflict and drama for himself and people close to him will continue. This is all beyond my control. In the mean time I will not focus on the splinter in his eye, but develop my own true self...

[stayingthecourse]

For me: I don't know that my H would really have to meet a "minimum" at this point.  At first I would have taken anything to get him to come home.  Now I have gotten past the anger - or at least it is not at the forfront.  I can still "see" flashes of my old H and know that he has the capability to be a much better person than who he has been for the last several months. 

I want a relationship that is healthy, respectful, fun & exciting.  I want to give love and be loved in a partnership where we value each other. So the minimum for me would be to be able to see that my H has the capacity to help us achieve that relationship - even if it is still buried and I can only get a glimpse every now and then. 

My journey is far from complete and my expectations for my marriage are to no longer have the marriage that I had prior to BD.  As I progress in my journey my view of things that my H has done is also changing.  The hurt is there, the anger is there, and some of the things he has done I will never understand, but for me to continue to stand I have to know in my soul that I will be able to let the hurt, anger, and confusion go.  If we do decide to reconcile - and both of us have to be committed to that - we will both be different people - so our relationship will have to start from scratch, with a clean slate, and that would me that I have no expectations or preconceived ideas that are a hold over from the past.

[trusting]

By "bare minimum" for a "return" and what I need from a marriage in the future, they are completely different for me.  I can't think of a case where the MLCer returns to the marriage done with the MLC completely, not that I can think of anyway.  They return broken and damaged and still in an immense amount of pain. I would accept H back without big declarations, etc.  HOWEVER, if we are rebuilding and as he works through the final steps of MLC there is more I would need from him.  To start I would need honesty and total transparency in order to rebuild trust.  If I feel like I need to reassure myself by looking at his phone, I will need to be allowed to do so at any time, etc.