[Shantilly Lace]

So this cropped up somewhere in the forum.    Couldn't remember where sorry.

What is your bare minimum?

To be honest I don't truly know my bare minimum.  Once upon a time I would have done anything as we all think and then it was if he gave up ow and begged and pleaded and grovelled.  And then...
well it changes.

What I would like to end up with is respect and love.  A true friendship where we support one another without passing judgement.  Without forcing our opinions onto one another or feeling slighted if we disagree.

There is so much more than that but they are not a bare minimum they are something that will come with time as we progress through this journey.

I spose my bare minimum was what he did New Years Eve he walked through the door again, still far from perfect, far from over ow, far from remorse, or anything.  So who knows really?

[LettingGo]

This point is moot.... what is being asked here? What is the bare minimum they have to do for you to "take them back"? They haven't even ASKED to come back, yet!! We're all STANDING, for goodness sakes.... that means the bare minimum is moot, or has been met!

The real question is, how would you like your marriage to be once you are really and truly reconciled...

The reconciliation is a process that overlaps the finishing of MLC, so YOUR needs will still not be met... therefore, you will be grateful to have your husband back in your home, with the kids, AWAY from OW and that complication and embarassment...as a bare minimum.

Or perhaps the question is really, what do you hope to hear in his mea culpa speech? Cuz MINE is a big fat fantasy filled with...

"OW is a ho, skank, I was posessed because I would NEVER have been able to stomach her otherwise.... I was miserable the WHOLE TIME I was with her, and hated the sex.... could barely get it up, but was afraid to come home because I was depressed and confused.... every time I looked at her ugly mug, I thought of your beautiful face and the faces of our children.... I know I don't deserve the type of love you have shown me, but if you will allow me to, I will spend the rest of my life SHOWING you just how grateful I am to have you in my miserable life, and I will be the man I've always wanted to be, hoping to be worthy of you (even though you're not perfect, and I don't expect you to be!)..."

Then, he will get down on his knees and say "I'm unworthy, but you are the only woman for me and I'm asking if you will re-marry me (even though we're not divorced) in a private ceremony at an all-inclusive beach resort so that I can say my VOW to you , this time with a new understanding and willingness to commit to you, my true love! And, with your permission, I would like to personally apologize to our chilren, families and friends for my going off the deep end and causing you so much pain and disrespect... it's the only thing that will allow me to forgive myself..."

At this point, anything FORWARD is a good thing, LOL!!

[Ibelieve]

Omgosh! That is hilarious.. Can I print it? haha.. I will give it to my h to read when he comes home. Since he could not come up with that on his own. haha. Too funny!

[Katsa]

Letting Go is right - the Bare minimum is what would you have to see IF they were to want to come back.

I think a lot of times, people analyze and over analyze WAS behavior for "signs" that they are returning. It can be frustrating, and frankly - takes a lot of time and energy away from focusing on yourself.

The "concept" is you define what you really really need to see in order to accept the other person back. Not just ' oh he's nice to me once" or "oh, he burped in my presence, do you think he is relaxed around me?" IS it giving up the OP? Is it showing remorse? Is it a mea culpa?

Point is, you figure out what your bare minimum is - what you absolutely MUST SEE ( and not just niceties) Then you only look for that ONE SIGN.  If you dont see it, then there is no return and you continue on your path putting the focus on yourself.

Its a form of freeing yourself from analysis paralysis of your WAS.

And if you are standing, doesn't mean that reconciliation is not a gift you give to your MLC. Don't take them back if they are still broken. They will leave you again.

[Buggy31]

AUTHENTICITY

Minimal BS

Someone who has a voice and TAKES ACTION

Someone who loves me for who I AM and not what I DO for them

Someone who knows how to take care of themselves and ENTERTAIN themselves

Someone who wants to make the world a better place and TAKES ACTION.

Oh by the way these are all the things I am working on for MESELF 

[LettingGo]

Katsa, you make some very good points.... however, as a Stander, I'm committed to seeing my husband's crisis ALL THE WAY THROUGH, as it has propelled me on my OWN journey of self-discovery.

I feel there is no way to know what he will be like "in the end" because none of us will stop growing and changing after this. Having the alienator gone is just one step towards reconciliation, then their trip out of depression into the light.

I can describe  my FANTASY of how I want my husband to be in three words.... Bond... James Bond 

Now, back to reality... I happen to have turned a corner in my part of his crisis recently, and I no longer feel the anger at him that I used to have. His actions are still hurtful, but we are travelling this path together, dragging OW along in the dirt at this point. I don't know how to describe the difference, but once that anger is diminished (notice I didn't say gone) and put in it's proper place, then all of a sudden MY life begins again, which is why I don't feel a need for a bare minimum list.

I don't think any of us would open the door wide and say "sure, come on in. We'll just carry on like nothing happened and I'll be grateful to have you here. Don't mind me, I'm just walking on eggshells.." I honestly don't think any of our spouses would expect that, either.. that's not what they want at all... I don't think they want to sweep it all under the rug, though who wouldn't want to avoid that cloud of shame? I suspect that once they make the decision to dump OW for life and come home, they need uninterrupted time to heal before the real work on the marriage can begin.

[Mermaid]

This idea of the bare minimum was Katsa's idea on my thread. I think it's very wise, and makes us take a step back and look at ourselves. I'm finding it hard to decide what my minimum would be, because H is sort of here, and OW is sort of gone. He doesn't promise that he won't see her again, as a friend, and he can't promise me that he'll stay. So, I do feel like saying to him:
"Go and find yourself and what you're looking for. Take the time you need. If or when you are ready to commit to our M, exclusively, for now and in the future, then come back, and we'll build a really good R, one which is good for both of us"

I might be wrong, but I have the feeling that we're sort of slowly getting there, but without Hollywood-esque drama. MLC may just die with a whimper.

[justasking]

Don't take them back if they are still broken

IMO even when they come home there is still a lot of healing to complete and maybe some of the journey. HB used to say that many come home still broken to continue finding themselves whilst rebuilding a new relationship.

Maybe this is a cop out but I'm not sure what my minimum is. I have been thinking about it. I suppose I have to say that when the day comes I will know via my intuition what the minimum is and what boundaries will be needed. This is a good thread to read though.

xx

[LoveMeMyself]

For me, I think the bare minimum would be true remorse and honesty. 

[LisaLives]

LG, I so needed that, gold stars to you, no one could have said it better.  If he is even one word off THAT script, he's not gettin' through the door!