[Standing Strong]

Hey Alvin,

A lot stuck out to me: Apples and Oranges, but similar.

The "Stuff" and her grandmother.........

When mine broke, she told me the most important and valuable item she possessed was a letter from her grandmother. For a while, it took on a life of it's own and she kept it on her nightstand. I don't know how many times she read it..... but she'd cry, cry, cry and stare at it.
Perhaps some aspect of the child inside or something? Just a thought/observation.

The "stuff"...... I've seen this. A year up to BD and all the time afterward, W wanted to eliminate all the stuff in the house. Didn't matter if it was expensive or not... wanted it all gone. Sentimental stuff, history stuff, anything that took up space.... she thought it was "all crap" and was "suffocating her".
I know women get to a place where they want to make things simpler but I wonder if there's some sort of MLC factor in there too. We were about MLC'er abandoning their lives and leaving all the stuff behind. I know with mine, there was ZERO rationality in her desire to purge. She had a rule (which was never implemented)  about getting rid of 25% of everything a year....... until what? We live in an empty house? I got rid of a bunch of unneeded stuff (a quarter of a garage), and I think she  threw away 6 pairs of shoes and some shirts (almost nothing).  LOL!!!

Do you think all this is actually "real" to her? Or just fantasy island?

-SS

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I know women get to a place where they want to make things simpler but I wonder if there's some sort of MLC factor in there too. We were about MLC'er abandoning their lives and leaving all the stuff behind.

Well, I know my wife left me with any and all items she didn't want. I purged things for a month. When I moved out of my house, I came with just a couple of truckloads of stuff. That's it. I threw everything else out. I didn't want the reminders of everything I had lost.

So I guess the MLCer leaves stuff to escape and the LBSer cleans out to heal.

((((Hugs)))

Ready

[Thunder]

So true Ready.

Only keep what you really want, they don't care.

[Treasur]

 

So I guess the MLCer leaves stuff to escape and the LBSer cleans out to heal.

This feels spot on to me.
Mourning just wrote something about it on her thread actually.
I suspect what makes it difficult is that many of us LBS are forced to do it under pressure of selling houses or moving when we are not necessarily emotionally quite clear-sighted? But I agree with Thunder....by and large I think they don't care bc they are trying to erase their old life/self. Ha ha, I suspect they would drop the LBS off at the landfill or Goodwill if they could  And bc they are, well, in crisis  , they sometimes fixate on one or two things that seem a bit odd to us while they seem happy to discard the rest. That was certainly my experience with my xh.....he left lots of things I never imagined he would, like photos of his recently deceased grandmother, but stole a watch he had given me  and wanted the dining table from our first home (which must be lovely for owife!) 

[AlvinTheMaker]

Thanks all....

I guess clinging into heritage is one way of STBXW finding out her path and who she is.  Kind of like going into roots. She's been into heritage stuff  (digging into her family roots as well as mine) maybe10 years (which bit oddly would overlap my estimate of beginning shadow-MLC  - likely just co-incidence)....  AFAIK her grandmother was major figure in his childhood and a person she admired. Strong independent woman who survived war etc. difficulties. I know STBXW has read her diaries at least twice.

Her getting rid of stuff... the odd thing is she was a hoarder before BD (and even right after). And one of the reasons there is so much stuff is her hoarding... but maybe something's changing (maybe these three months alone have showed that she can do well without stuff).  Maybe it is form of escape, maybe it is part of the play she's playing in effort to save money.  Anyway, not my worry really. I'm taking everything I think will be useful to me (and some things that are not useful but just "fun" to have). 

Me cleaning stuff... definitely therapeutic. I so much match the stereotype of average Virgo.  Give me chaos and I bring order, LOL.  Part of me loves this massive cleanup challenge....    I have talked with some divorced people, and it seems there are two schools.   Those who get rid of anything that reminds of the past,  and those who cherish the items with positive memories.   And I'm definitely on the latter group.  Maybe some day I want to get rid of the items but not now.   All in all I think HomeMk.2 will be a lot like the home we had before HomeMk.1 with some nice additions.

Oh well, back to carrying stuff (my biceps are beginning to look pretty spectacular - this is better than going to gym, LOL)

Alvin.

[Benson]

Hi Alvin

You have been giving me lots of feedback and support  and I appreciate it . I just went back and read your first post and your journey sounds like a tough one. Five kids and one really young one so I imagine there is heartbreak in that. The connection your wife has made to a twenty something girl that is a head spinner also.

Reading through to current I really wish you luck on your new and incredibly different journey . I think you will go great as you have that optimistic spirit. I have that also you can’t take that away even after bashing us for months with blunt instruments. I think it’s something your Mum or Dad or both bread into you .

In your very first post you talked about your W commenting on things that happening over the 15 years and I like you  only think back weeks or months and see blue sky and puppies ,toddlers and great holidays.

Today my wife said in an email that she first felt abandoned by me when out first child my amazing son was born 17 and half years ago.. I won an award in the company I was working for and my boss asked me to appear briefing to accept and have a beer to toast the arrival of my new born. In hind sight maybe I should have attended but have been in the hospital from  5 am when baby induced and rubbed Ws back and stayed with her all day . I asked permission and she was about to sleep so figured it was all good at the time. To raise it now though with 7 or 8 other random times just seems so incredible.  Even said that I didn’t pursue her enough on honeymoon in Hawaii and that showed I didn’t truely desire her. My recollection was that her migraine is was front and centre that week and I even recall looking for Us meds that matched up to her strong Australian migraine pills .. 19 years ago.

Revisionist History 100% to justify any cruel and brutal actioned she has taken and will continue to take now.
I hope your kids are fine with W looking after them for a period  Alvin.. The more I read the more I realise we all have similar pain to navigate through these crazy MLC journeys ...

[5hilmerton]

Hi there Alvin Sir,
it took me a while but i have read through most of your story.  The Engineer in me reads word for word...the over analyzer in me goes back and re-reads.

I really want to thank you for some of the finest words i could have read. I read these words most days to get me started and share them with others including my D. I usually giggle at the end not sure why, i think it is because of the word you chose. 

Thanks  ....   I think that like most adversities,  MLC can be a blessing in disquise if looking from another perspective.  The lessons and skills all of us learn (active listening, being responsive instead of reactive,  ability to think mindfully under pressure, patience, minding your business etc)  can and should be be adopted into much wider area than just our MLC partner. All kinds of relationships, professional and personal, can enhance if and when we put the lessons learned into proper use....  To survive would be just equal co-exist and survive with our MLCr,  to thrive is to put the lessons learned into good practice and have a life that is even better than before.

I've written this before, but this is the best worst experience of my life. Silver linings are there for those who are willing to change their perspective a bit...and considering the cost that their crisis throws into our lives, it is very empowering to have something back from this behemoth.

Stay strong and thank you!!! I will be watching your journey, move and transition.
5hil

[AlvinTheMaker]

Thanks Benson, thanks 5hill.  Indeed, this is a journey for all of us.  So unique for each of us. But still so much the same for each of us. 

It's great you have found some comfort and wisdom and positivity in my thoughts and words.  It does bring some meaning/purpose to all of this.

I think TinyBuddha (excellent website every person should read occasionally) has captured my current philosophy so well: "When a photographer can't change a scene, he changes his angle and lens to capture the best of that scene. Similarly, when you can't change a situation in your life, change your perspective and mindset to get the best out of that situation."...   It's not a recipe for a happy life (as $h!te hitting the fan is as constant as good times, and oftentimes out of our control). But it is a recipe for becoming better at reframing ones life (practice makes better, as in real world photography). Finding meaning and gratefulness from various adversities of life is a true real world superpower.

Alvin.

[AlvinTheMaker]

And to journal a bit....   Today was the appraisal day.   A nearby real-estage agent came in, spent about 20 minutes indoors looking around and asking some questions, telling that houses in this area are not great sellers especially if they need anything more than very light fixing  (gee, I never would have figured it out).    He will email an official appraisal next Monday.... It  was propably one of the fastest $500 I've ever spent (makes me think I'm definitely on wrong line of business).

Afterwards I chatted a bit with STBXW - about the house, physical assets and money...   it was bit so-and-so.  Both of us are sticking to our guns a bit. And she's still giving me the "royal north pole" treatment...    Anyway, she's agreed to come back on Saturday to check some of the physical assets and we need to agree (or disagree,LOL) what to do with some of the goods.... On the upside,  I've been thinking the financial "maximize income, minimize spending"sitch upcoming divorce puts both of us into....  If (and this is semi-BIG if)  W gets the mortgage and buys me out, then I would have roughly 50K worth of excess funds to play with.   If I manage to "invest" those funds properly (stocks, bonds, interests etc) and stick with the miracle of compound interest patiently, then basically within 10 years I might have enough funds to buy myself a nice small "retirement home" from the countryside.  And if I hit a miss, then at least I tried.  Dream big as they say.

It was great to see W showing affection to kids...not sure if it is possible to over-do motherly love, but, um... yeah, too sugar-coated for me.  But at least the kids loved every bit of it.... Not sure if possible to describe in words but you can actually 'see' the hunger she has got for being and becoming and fitting into model of 'good mother'.

Alvin.

[PJ Ames]

Sorry you're going through all this. What takes years to build can vanish in a minute or twenty. It completely sucks.

When a photographer can't change a scene, he changes his angle and lens to capture the best of that scene. Similarly, when you can't change a situation in your life, change your perspective and mindset to get the best out of that situation

Thanks for sharing this! It's something I needed to hear.