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Author Topic: My Story Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy

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My Story Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#140: April 16, 2024, 11:25:27 PM
Just sharing / bookmarking a topic on emotional detachment experiences some go through during menopause. Cannot help thinking how much some of it sounds like MLC minus the need for new partner. Hormones among other things can make people quite nuts, but I guess everyone here knows that😂

https://www.menopausematters.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=22543.0

Alvin
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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#141: April 17, 2024, 11:45:23 AM
I have read some theories that hormonal changes probably do play into MLC for both men and women.  Men's levels tend to drop more slowly over time--I wonder if this means that they slide into MLC more slowly as well?  I don't have the answers for sure, just curious about the potential biological contributors to the "storm."
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M-23y T24y
Me 47
H-49
S21,D17,D12
BD1 9-21 BD2 9-22 Atomic Bd3 & ILYBNILWY 2-23
Moved to RV 5/2023
OW Discovery 7/23
Touch and Gos since 6/23
Reconnecting?

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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#142: April 18, 2024, 09:29:24 AM
I have read some theories that hormonal changes probably do play into MLC for both men and women.  Men's levels tend to drop more slowly over time--I wonder if this means that they slide into MLC more slowly as well?  I don't have the answers for sure, just curious about the potential biological contributors to the "storm."

I have no doubt of hormones being a contributing factor. It is frightening how many "fell out of love for spouse/kids overnight" stories are on the site above even in their public section.

Of course not everyone in menopause decides to divorce and go grazy, which I think links to FOO. You either have or don't have the tools to navigate dark waters without totally nuking family around you.

As for men....I think it is highly individual, just like  with women. Some go slow and easy, some fast and hard, some crash and burn.

All in all would be interesting to know if any MLCr has started HRT treatment and what the effects were. At least I don't recall reading a single storyline here or other mlc forums where that would have been explored.

Alvin
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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#143: April 18, 2024, 01:22:32 PM
I have read some theories that hormonal changes probably do play into MLC for both men and women.  Men's levels tend to drop more slowly over time--I wonder if this means that they slide into MLC more slowly as well?  I don't have the answers for sure, just curious about the potential biological contributors to the "storm."

I have no doubt of hormones being a contributing factor. It is frightening how many "fell out of love for spouse/kids overnight" stories are on the site above even in their public section.

Of course not everyone in menopause decides to divorce and go grazy, which I think links to FOO. You either have or don't have the tools to navigate dark waters without totally nuking family around you.

As for men....I think it is highly individual, just like  with women. Some go slow and easy, some fast and hard, some crash and burn.

All in all would be interesting to know if any MLCr has started HRT treatment and what the effects were. At least I don't recall reading a single storyline here or other mlc forums where that would have been explored.

Alvin

If we could test every MLCer and measure hormone levels.   I don’t believe we’d find a pattern. Otherwise MLC would be easy to diagnose and even be treatable.

I also question chemical imbalance and affects on depression.  It’s highly complex.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326475

All I know is that my MLC is living in an alternative universe.  It’s psychosis.  And I wish I knew would causes it.  Hopefully in 100 years someone will figure it out. 

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Re: Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#144: April 18, 2024, 01:27:35 PM
Quote
All in all would be interesting to know if any MLCr has started HRT treatment and what the effects were. At least I don't recall reading a single storyline here or other mlc forums where that would have been explored.

Actually, there have been! We used to keep track of that better on some of the old research threads (some go back 10 years or more) that always seem to get buried. Off the top of my head, there was a member named Smitty (with some numbers after it) whose husband got T treatment and improved. They ended up reconciling I think. I'm not seeing her in the member list, but when I search for "Smitty" the name "Battlefield" comes up, so that may be the same person (I'm really not certain).

It's a strong belief of mine that my xH suffered a big andropausal T drop in his mid-30s that contributed to his situation. I remember reading from a reliable source that a drop in estrogen or testosterone doesn't equal an increase in the other, but rather for both it will elevate cortisol, which can cause a ton of problems like anxiety, mental fog, weight gain, etc. I had my 'crisis' right before my xH did, and it aligned with when hormonal birth control (and subsequently going off of it) did a huge number on me, which has taken me years to start to improve from (progesterone being the problem). I had a huge amount of swelling, hair loss, weight changes, and an identity crisis. Fun stuff.  ::)

I'm not a huge fan of his books other than this one, but John Gray's "Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice" does a really good job of laying out some of the hormonal and neurotransmitter differences among the sexes and how to naturally improve both. It echoes a lot of our experiences (though most not as drastice) in the parables of the book, so it felt like good research to me years ago when I found it. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7849906-venus-on-fire-mars-on-ice
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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#145: May 29, 2024, 12:03:43 PM
My oh my, it seems there is new MLCr in my nearby life.

My current W was contacted by teenage friend who had dumped her husband and family after 20 shared years. She spent a night as our guest, W and her talking mostly old teenage memories.

She had just met a guy at some work party and fallen in love. Bye-bye old husband in almost heartbeat😵.  Poor lad, she told he had not taken it well at first but was now adapting.

Her justification why it was okey.... She's not had lots of men in her life (this new guy is her 2nd serious relationship) and by this age she now really knows what she needs.... Like WTF, what about the family she has 🙄 what about working and improving things.

Lots of usual foo/script background.... She comes from broken home. Bad father relationship (alcohol addict, passed away when she was a teenager), and now she and her mother were not talking neither because of her D. She feels she's not getting the acceptance she should from her mother...  Her grandparents had also passed recently. She also wants to keep this new life a secret from  friends and other family for some time, so we were sworn not to talk about it.

I really don't know what to think of this experience. Part of me was thrilled to "observe" MLCr live  from outsider seats, another part of me just wanted to roast her with "seriously, you are totally bonkers?",😂

Possibly my lesson from this was that when outside of their partner, MLCr can appear and behave somewhat normally. If she had not opened about her past and few other things, I could have thought she was like any other person.

Alvin
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« Last Edit: May 29, 2024, 12:05:17 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#146: June 16, 2024, 04:38:20 PM
Hello,

Quote
My current W was contacted by teenage friend who had dumped her husband and family after 20 shared years. She spent a night as our guest, W and her talking mostly old teenage memories.

She had just met a guy at some work party and fallen in love. Bye-bye old husband in almost heartbeat😵

The old adage of "our eyes met across the room and it was an instant connection."  Of course that sounds a lot better than "I frantically looked at every face in the party until I saw someone who was acceptable and had at least a flicker of interest".

Quote
Her justification why it was okey.... She's not had lots of men in her life (this new guy is her 2nd serious relationship) and by this age she now really knows what she needs.... Like WTF, what about the family she has 🙄 what about working and improving things.

We can rationalize anything we want. For example, after reading and responding to you about this crazed lady, I'm going to have a old fashion. Now, I really have no reason for one, but I want one.  So I do need to justify it even if my reasons sounds and  are truly weak.

This girl threw her family away because she missed out on the sexual revolution? It's like me trying to tell my wife, "When I grew up, we only had whole, skim, and non fat milk. Now we have soy, oak, almond, coconut, and cashew. I'm leaving you so I can experience all the other milks on my own. I feel so free."

Quote
She also wants to keep this new life a secret from  friends and other family for some time, so we were sworn not to talk about it.

I really don't know what to think of this experience. Part of me was thrilled to "observe" MLCr live  from outsider seats, another part of me just wanted to roast her with "seriously, you are totally bonkers?",😂

Even if you had called her bonkers, she would just get angry and leave in the morning. She doesn't just expect acceptance from her mother, she wants acceptance from everyone. You, all of her friends, all of his friends, and of course, him. Had you even tried to talk to her, she would have also accused you of talking to her STBX and taking his side. She would then call him and chew him out for talking to her friends about her, Can't win with these people.

Quote
Possibly my lesson from this was that when outside of their partner, MLCr can appear and behave somewhat normally. If she had not opened about her past and few other things, I could have thought she was like any other person.

That's the bonkers thing about life. You just can't read a face. Had a parent teacher conference with a young father. He stated he was there to be in his daughter's life. I gave him reading techniques to help her at home. He shook my hand as he left. He appeared to be a nice guy. A few weeks later, he was arrested for murder. About a week or two before our conference, he robbed, shot, and killed a clerk. Life in prison was the sentence. You can see the face, but can't read a mind.

Have a great Father's Day! I am off to mix a nice drink,

(((Ready)))

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« Last Edit: June 16, 2024, 04:42:12 PM by readytofixmyselffirst »
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#147: June 29, 2024, 08:35:20 PM
Just sharing / bookmarking a topic on emotional detachment experiences some go through during menopause. Cannot help thinking how much some of it sounds like MLC minus the need for new partner. Hormones among other things can make people quite nuts, but I guess everyone here knows that😂

https://www.menopausematters.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=22543.0

Alvin

I think menopause is a huge factor.  I'm not sure about other MLC'ers, by my STBXW has staunchly denied any hormonal issues and refuses to get checked. She gained a ton of weight in a very short amount of time - Like 45 Lbs in just a few months even though she barely eats anything (a sign of hormonal changes). Then she started working out like a banshee (over 2 hrs / day) as it was the only way she could lose the weight.  She barely sleeps (another sign of hormonal changes), and she has changed into a completely different person (another sign of hormonal changes). Her mom went into menopause at an early age and she knows how hereditary it is.

I think she's banked so much on the feelings she has and they feel so "real" that she would be shattered to find out it was due to hormones.  This is her "Truth" and "Reality" now, and she doesn't want anything to get in the way of that.

But yes, I wouldn't be surprised if hormonal changes are a huge contributing factor for many MLC'ers.
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« Last Edit: June 29, 2024, 08:48:03 PM by Hopeful5 »
BD 1: August 2022, Complete collapse begins of MLC'er
BD 2: Feb 2024, I don't love you.
D filed by MLC'er:  June 2024

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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#148: July 28, 2024, 10:24:11 AM
My oh my, it seems something is finally starting to cook with XW.

Just had talk with D20 and learned XW has been diagnosed with ASD. She is still on the "I dont need any help or drugs, I can deal this myself" mode. But something is changing. Three of her sisters (and some of their kids) have received ASD diagnosis too, and it seems whole family is starting to push for systematic and professional help for wellbeing. Where this leads time will tell.

The news left me bit buzzled as my current W is ASD too. I have noted a lot of similarities between her and XW, so most likely I am attracted by certain traits (such as honesty and direct talk) that people with ASD have. Or it can be something else as in both cases it was the "good looks" that initially attracted me ::)  Either way, most likely I need some time to digest all this. If nothing else, it does mean my kids should undergo some tests too.

Pretty much the only thing I do know is that I am not ASD (did some official test during LBS stage with my therapist and was clearly not on the spectrum).

Alvin
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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#149: October 09, 2024, 10:14:19 AM
My oh my again... I think whatever "fog" was rising for a brief moment, has taken over XW again.   She' s back to making mind numbing decisions, lacking communication and  state of forgetting things. There are definitely times when trying to do shared parenting with MLCr is just....err, ridiculous :o.

Otherwise not much happening, which I think is just good thing. Just waiting for winter to come and pass, so I could enjoy another warm season ;D.

Alvin.
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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

 

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