[During your marriage, were you the pursuer or the distancer?]

During your marriage, were you the pursuer or the distancer?

I was mostly an emotional pursuer but sexual distancer.

I was mostly an emotional pursuer and sexual pursuer.

I was mostly an emotional distancer and sexual distancer.

I was mostly an emotional distancer but sexual pursuer.

None of these (secure).

[Mermaid]

Ok, thanks -- I go it.  I scored pretty evenly in the secure and pursuer department, only 3 in the avoider.   No surprise there, then....

Similar to me. But I became more of a pursuer when I got married because H is strongly avoidant.

[Trustandlove]

H was definitely the pursuer at first, even though he has quite a number of avoider characteristics; I started the pursuing behaviours when he began withdrawing....  around when his father died.  And when I was overwhelmed with everything and feeling unsupported.  Unsurprising, really. 

[CrazyStuff]

Secure - 9
Pursuer - 1
Avoider - 6

As I thought I am definitely a distancer, always have been to some degree although with age have been more secure on my own.   I like my own space and it has been a family joke for years.    Still go for long walks on my own without a watch or mobile phone.    DGU may think that being a distancer helps with Standing, especially detachment and letting go; however, I think it may also give an impression of being done.   This is something I have been thinking about recently.   

I did become a pursuer for a few weeks after BD (panic mode) and found this emotionally & mentally exhausting. 

My h. has always been the pursuer.   Add in a healthy dose of insecurity (got worse over the years) as well as strong avoidant tendencies, and no wonder I found the last few years difficult.    He became needy and I felt suffocated.   At BD he actually told me I had abandoned him.    Probably had in a way. 

Question is should I start pursuing my h.?    Probably not since he is firmly ensconsed with OW, who (as told to me at BD) listens to him and makes him feel happy.    I think I'll just leave him be for now. 

Very interesting stuff though.

CrazyStuff

[Dontgiveup]

Crazystuff

RCR mentioned earlier in this thread that it benefited her Stand because she welcomed the alone time.  I am not sure either way.....was just commenting on why this could be true.

That being said, I think your intuition about not pursuing your husband and just leaving him be for now is probably the way to go.

[Buggy31]

CS
I also feel I was a distancer in many ways..although at first I thought I was a pursuer.  I'll have to take the quiz but I love alone time...travel alone...never really bored...not scared to be by myself.

I do like affection and I was there for H if he needed to talk.

I was also a sexual distancer although when I felt him pulling away I became the sexual pursuer and that did not bode well...I think it messed with his masculinity. 

I do also wonder if it gives the impression of being done or not needed.  I don't change it though because it's a big part of me and in a R someone will have to be able to handle this about me.  Otherwise it won't work.  I'm not cold but I don't mind doing my own thing.

Interesting.

[Trustandlove]

I used to like time alone, a lot -- but only if I had the security to come back to.  I remember just after BD when H took the kids for the first time; I remember thinking that a few weeks before that would have been heaven, now it was hell. 

I know I've said that H was the pursuer, but I may be wrong.  He has said that I "didn't want him to do his own things"...  which of course isn't true, but that is how he perceived it, at least when MLC came along.  But I don't know if that is distancing or just not being emotionally present.  The more I think about it, that only came along when MLC started..... 

And my H does NOT like time alone -- he says he does, but he's always, always out with mates, hardly ever stays in on his own unless there is a very good reason.  Hence jump from OW to OW as well.... 

oh, well.... 

[Mermaid]

I think finding that balance of inside and outside is so important. A few years ago I hated being by myself, then I began to value it. On the other hand, H, who is a total avoider/ distancer, has not really adjusted so well to having people in his world.

[Mermaid]

My copy of "Solo Partner" just arrived, and one sentence just leapt out at me. Pursuers are people who believe their happiness lies with another person.

Not only have I believed that my happiness lies with my one true love, I have also been looking for it in other things around me...

I'm an independent career woman, with my own circle of friends, finances and activities, not the dependent type outlined in "Solo Partner". So why is it so hard to let him go?

Why is it hard to let go of all my other vices (coffee, chocolate, clothes), which make me feel (temporarily) happy?

What is happiness, anyway?

I've written more about my sitch on my thread, but I thought I'd just put this out there for discussion.

[wondering]

Mermaid, That line is me also. Why did I put so much pressure on my happiness to be fulfilled by H. I'm really working on this.

[Mermaid]

The answer to "why" can probably be found in some anxiety of the past, according to "Solo Partner".

The question, I suppose, is what to put in its place.