[During your marriage, were you the pursuer or the distancer?]

During your marriage, were you the pursuer or the distancer?

I was mostly an emotional pursuer but sexual distancer.

I was mostly an emotional pursuer and sexual pursuer.

I was mostly an emotional distancer and sexual distancer.

I was mostly an emotional distancer but sexual pursuer.

None of these (secure).

[Mitzpah]

I am still confused by this - I always thought that I was a distancer and that I should have been more of a pursuer - at BD, h. said that I showed no 'interest', which I refuted immediately and reminded him of all the times I had said that I thought that we spent too little time together, etc, etc...  He, of course, said 'rubbish' and proceeded to rewrite history. The very next day,  I wrote him a very explicit e-mail about my desire for him because his accusation had hit me hard .
Now, I see that I am actually a secure avoider, which shows my distancer 'virtues', however, why am I such a pursuer at the moment???

[LearningIamOk]

I don't know how accurate this quiz is.  I scored an 8  as secure a 5 as a pursuer and a2 as a distancer.   I was sure I'd score a 10 as a pursuer.  Either I don't understand myself at all or the quiz is too brief to be a good tool.

[Rebel Yell]

3,8,7

[GottaBeMe]

Secure-9
Pursuer-3
Avoider-5

[BraveNewWorld]

Prior to BD:

Secure: 6
Pursuer: 4
Avoider: 7

Now:

Secure: 8
Pursuer: 3
Avoider: 4

I seem to rank as more secure now - yet I can't answer yes to this: 5. I feel calm and secure on a daily basis.

BNW

[Mamma Bear]

   OK so I'm a Secure/Pursuer/Avoider
    I also like the part where I'm studying up to be a better person and H is probably drinking vodka and gatorade with Bowser OW

[Trustandlove]

OK, I've missed something..... what quiz? 

But regarding what RCR said about her distancing benefiting her stand, I've always thought that those who are distancers and introverts stand the best chance of reconciliation, precisely because they don't cling and like the time alone, whereas the rest of us have a much harder time with that bit....


The Al Turtle links are good -- I used to read a lot of his website, but it also always makes me a bit sad, because in all cases he works from the premise that both partners want the relationship....  not that we can't learn a lot from it anyway, but still. 

[Mermaid]

T&L I put the quiz link in my first post on this thread.

[Dontgiveup]

I believe reconciliation is possible in nearly every situation.  I do, however, think that if the LBS is a natural distancer, it does help with two things that are important......time and patience.

We hear stories about how sometimes when the MLCer is ready to return, the LBS has already moved on to another relationship or another marriage.  The Unconditionals are certainly important for every LBS.  What may really help a distancer though is that they enjoy, possibly crave, time alone.  That would definitely benefit a Stander.

[Trustandlove]

Ok, thanks -- I go it.  I scored pretty evenly in the secure and pursuer department, only 3 in the avoider.   No surprise there, then....