[Marchingforward]

I agree with Roo. All I want is peace and no drama. I think we do look for that so badly we miss the flags, or we maybe don’t see them as flags.

I also thought H was way out of replay and really he wasn’t. Moments of lucidity during that long T and G last year but in hindsight, no where near done with MLC.

I too have said “done” more times then I can count.  Who knows why I’m not truly done. As I continue to grow and strengthen, maybe there will come a day when I really am done. It’s not yet though.

[barbiedoll]

I do not feel I am someone addicted to drama whatsoever. I would like to have a "normal" partner ...not a deeply avoidant one.  Unfortunately , my husband may well say the same thing about me ...why do I have this " anxious-preoccuppied " spouse who will not leave me alone?   There is something in that dynamic that is hard to leave, even if it is the best thing to do. My observation has been that the large majority of MLC'ers are avoidant of...everything actually. That is hard to live with.  And yet we continue to stay attached somehow . this is interesting read

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/why-anxious-and-avoidant-partners-find-it-hard-to-leave-one-another/

[Treasur]

I agree with Roo too....but can see that others perspective might be different.
For me, there was definitely a point when I longed for peace, sanity and kindness more than I longed for my h or my m.

[Marchingforward]

t dynamic that is hard to leave, even if it is the best thing to do. My observation has been that the large majority of MLC'ers are avoidant of...everything actually. That is hard to live with.  And yet we continue to stay attached somehow .

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/why-anxious-and-avoidant-partners-find-it-hard-to-leave-one-another/

I love this! I've been working on attachment wounds over the past few years. I was definitely anxious preoccupied while H is 100% avoidant. I'm happy in that I no longer respond anxiously (for the most part) with him or with others.  However, it's a long road of healing for me, and I have no idea if H will ever get to the point where he is no longer avoidant. What is most interesting to me is the "pull" of that attachment to him. The article describes it just right--it's like electric, sparks, just feels good and right.  Again, while I have been working hard to manage anxiety, and honestly I don't really ask a lot of my H when it comes to showing me affection because I know I don't actually NEED that from him, I do continue to feel that bit of "instant attraction" or whatever when we are together. I know that's a result of our deep, attachment wounds.

Another great suggestion is this podcast. It talks a lot about attachment types and ways to heal them in adults, if anyone is interested. I found is very helpful.

https://dharmapunxnyc.podbean.com/e/repairing-attachment-wounds-in-adults-a-summary-of-five-practices/

[Acorn]

Thank you for the update, Yo!

Just when I thought that he were going out of Replay...

Why do we sometimes make assumptions about what stage MLCer might be in?

I wonder if it is because we mistakenly conflate the end of MLC and a positive outcome for marriage... 

Is that why some of us stand?

Do we unconsciously insert ‘the state of marital relationship’’ in brackets next to ‘the stages in MLC’?

I asked myself these same questions in the past...

We read time and again that the issues that caused MLC has nothing to do with M, and I agree. (Marriage could have been mostly blissful or rather dysfunctional — MLC does not discriminate.)

Then, it would be prudent not to link MLCer’s resolution of his issues with a favourable marriage outcome.  I know when I weaned myself off linking the condition of our marriage to H’s crisis stages, it helped me tremendously with detachment, healing and enjoying my life again. 

As far as we are concerned, H’s resolution of crisis was a precondition for our reconciliation, not the cause of it.

Just my view...

[Treasur]

Do we unconsciously insert ‘the state of marital relationship’’ in brackets next to ‘the stages in MLC’?

I think perhaps, Acorn, most of us do. At least for a while. Or perhaps we insert 'hope that the relationship can be repaired'. Part of the cognitive dissonance of something that isn't about us or our marriage, yet that has such a profound impact on both maybe?

The simple truth gleaned from so many stories here is that in reality your relationship is usually dead in the water at BD.
And that Standing is perhaps more about a choice as to whether you are prepared to keep a door open, even a sliver, if/when they resolve their crisis. Or before the circumstances of life shut it naturally perhaps.
Rarely the message that any of us want to hear when we first come here though.

[Yo]

Wow! Interesting points of view and all of them useful, thank you all!
As always the summary is detachment! So difficult but necessary
And about focusing in stages, I was trying to analyze why some of us are too in to that and I guess that is because the first thing we saw when the light of this forum was presented to us, was a list of behaviors divided in 6 parts, where the first steps were exactly how our H or W was acting,
Anyway, definitely, this trip must not be related to a positive outcome for marriage and that, so difficult too but necessary

[Father5]

I think the other part of the thought process at least for me was that life was so good at one point. I mean truly blissful. I would literally ouch myself and ask what I did to deserve such a wonderful and fulfilling life. Kids , house , vacations and a beautiful family. I had it all. I stood at least in the beginning because I wanted that back.


   I know for me that changed over time. I stand for different reasons now. I would like my marriage back but not at the same cost it would have taken on me a year ago.

[Yo]

Same thinking Father5, thanks for sharing!

[Yo]

Hola!!!
Greetings everyone!

After the Camaro situation I have been working on detatchment a lot.

Around 3 weeks ago we have a big talk!
H had been trying to have a physical relationship with me and I was avoiding it

Finally he asked me what was happening and I answered honestly, from my heart and without fear of what would be the reaction (I guess that is part of detatchment)
I told him that I thought that if he had everything he wanted from me without a commitment from him, he would be in a comfort zone and that it would be difficult to go out from there and nothing would change

His answer was something that I have been reading here all the time and coming from a MLCer is shameful for a LBS, I mean, I should know! Not him! 😄
Long story short, he told me that since his issues have nothing to do with me, nothing that I'll do or not would change the outcome of his story...
I know! Basics!!!
Since then I took a break that I hope can turn in to long term situation,
a break from being careful with my words or actions because of what he would do or say or think,
a break of being thinking in strategies to make him come out of the crisis or to make him stay more with us

Since that day I enjoy each moment, I enjoy every day when he comes and has lunch with us, I enjoy when he kisses me or hugs me, but I enjoy too when he leaves and I can do my stuff

The communication is better and finally the three of us have fun when we are together, maybe is because I am being myself and for the moment I don't expect, or maybe because he feels free to work on what he needs, I don't know why and I don't really care... for the moment

I even think that I made a big issue with the Camaro, he works really hard and is a successful person in his profession, we have everything we need, he had always wanted that car and he deserves it! And nothing changed
So I tell him how handsome he looks driving the car and how much he deserves it
He already feels guilty for so many things and I am not going to cooperate with that

So far so good! Still standing but not expecting