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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnection... not there yet

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#30: April 16, 2021, 04:11:24 PM
Hola Yo! So good to hear that things are as pretty good with you. I like how you are detaching and how the distance is letting you see things about your H differently. Very interesting to hear that your H said that his issues are nothing to do with you, basically you didn't cause them. Mind you, this is quite something for a MLCer to acknowledge. Thanks for sharing this information.

We do worry so much about how to behave around them because underneath we take on the blame for the braking of the marriage. And although we definitely can always learn to be a better version of ourselves, we did not cause this disastrous BD our Hs landed on our families.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Yo

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Reconnection... not there yet
#31: May 25, 2021, 08:56:44 AM
Hola!!!!

I am back! and is really nice to see your message Milly! it warmed my heart from the moment I saw your name!

Things are ok and pretty much as same as last time I wrote here, I am still being myself always, I am not being careful with my words (I am not rude, just not walking on egg shells anymore) and no more strategies.
we are still separated but gradually H has been increasing the time he spends with us, i don't ask or call, but just because is his responsibility to fix the relationship as he is fixing the other things in his life.

I think that I am healing pretty well, how couldn't I if life has presented me priceless lessons, like last month...
 I found out that OW's girlfriend had entered in to the business  that I am doing and I was really upset about it, I kept thinking on it and I lost my focus, at the end of the month this girl did ok and got to the level I wanted to get, and I not just didn't get it but I went a level down. I felt like the athletes that before finishing the race turn their head to see who is coming behind them and loose seconds because of it that make them loose the race. Lesson learned! I am running a race that everybody can run but I am only competing against myself.

Surprisingly H was very supportive about it and I know that this was helpful to get the best thing out of the situation
He is acting a little bit more as the wise man that he used to be, good for him!
and about me... I had to start the race all over again... but wiser!  good for me!

This Thursday is H's birthday and today he was telling me that he wanted to have dinner with his kids, D and me at my house, so I guess it is going to be fun, it has being long time since the 5 of us were together, I have seen his son sometimes but all together is another thing to celebrate! I miss the kids

So far so good! Still standing but not expecting
send you hugs







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Yo

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Reconnection... not there yet
#32: May 24, 2022, 07:51:02 PM
Hola!
Almost one year since my last post! Sometimes I came in to the site to read some of yours to remember basics to keep standing!
Keep learning from all of you wise people!
The good news are that H is reconnecting finally! He has been doing this for about a year and every day is a better day with its ups and downs.

THIS IS IMPORTANT! When MLCers reconnect,
it doesn’t mean that relationship is fixed or things are going to be as they used to be!
A lot of things happened! And people grow differently  and change.

In my case, we are not living together, we have a relationship, a very healthy one but not in the same house. He has dinner every day with D9 and me and sometimes he stays with us, we go out and spend important dates with the family or friends as a couple but not ready to be back together as we used to be. I have been growing a lot at work and he has been working a lot fixing the things that he did and loving  himself again, both of us healing!
I am really enjoying this relationship with the old? or new? H back and don’t know if we are going to come back to live together but I am not closed to the possibility in the future.

How do I know he is back? Well this is difficult to explain but I’ll try…
The first thing to say is that it has been happening for at least a year, so, no “surprises” or touch and goes or being in limbo when his body is here for a at least a year
Always being there for us! Maybe sometimes with mistakes or not in the best way, but always trying to prove that he’ll always be there doing his best
He LISTENS! and PAYS ATTENTION to others, specially us
Not everything is nice! Sometimes we have different opinions or situations, we are humans! But he solves things with feet on the ground
He accepts that his parents are not going to change and is there for them with love (I believe this is part of the new H)
I can continue with the list but the thing is that you can feel peace in your heart, maybe a big part of it is the non-attatchment but is like when Acorn explained that you’ll know that is baked without opening the oven because of the smell of baked cake

It was good to be back to the forum and post again, now I am going to continue reading posts and keep learning….

Icon updated to "Reconnecting" by agreement with RCR
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« Last Edit: June 01, 2022, 01:56:18 AM by UrsaMajor »
Yo ❤

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Reconnection... not there yet
#33: May 25, 2022, 01:07:40 AM
You managed to save your thread from the Inactive list!  ;D

So happy to hear that things are going better and better for you and H.

Reconnection/reconciliation is NOT for the faint of heart and not all of us will get to experience it but, for those that do, the joy must be incredible.

I wish you all the best as you make your way forward with the "new and improved" H and look forward to your next updates.... maybe a little sooner than a year?

Reconnection/Reconciliation stories are few and far between - we could use more of them....
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Me - 61, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 17, D - 13
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#34: May 25, 2022, 01:34:01 AM
Quote
THIS IS IMPORTANT! When MLCers reconnect,
it doesn’t mean that relationship is fixed or things are going to be as they used to be!
A lot of things happened! And people grow differently  and change.

In my case, we are not living together, we have a relationship, a very healthy one but not in the same house. He has dinner every day with D9 and me and sometimes he stays with us, we go out and spend important dates with the family or friends as a couple but not ready to be back together as we used to be. I have been growing a lot at work and he has been working a lot fixing the things that he did and loving  himself again, both of us healing!
I am really enjoying this relationship with the old? or new? H back and don’t know if we are going to come back to live together but I am not closed to the possibility in the future.


THIS IN BUCKETLOADS!!!!

Reconnection is tough but only if you don't set the boundaries for what you want. It is not a romantic bed of permanent roses, dinners and declarations of love. It is about finding what is right for you, your marriage and your family. 
I see that you are 5 yrs in since BD and reconnection started about 2021. This is pretty much the same pattern I had with H beginning to reconnect after 4 yrs although we have now separated because H has had other diversions!  (sigh)
I am so thrilled to read how cautious and yet positive you are, I am thrilled to see that you are protecting your heart and keeping your head in all of this.

If you can come back a little more often and just journal - it really helps newbies see that after the shock of BD and end of replay there is still a long way to go and that reconnection is simply that - reconnecting.

Reconnection has many positives and I am delighted to see that you have many positives and that you see it as a different kind of journey.

Keep posting when you can!
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

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Reconnection... not there yet
#35: May 25, 2022, 05:27:39 AM
Wow Yo,  thank you for the update. Hope you can continue to journal your journey. So happy for you and always nice to see a couple working their way back to each other ❤️
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Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
June 2022 XH bring OW to meet family due to xMIL illness
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
May 2024 xMIL visits XH/OW in their new home
Aug 2024 cut relations w/XH fam.
Dec 2024 D33 expecting baby ( XH not told)

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Yo

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Reconnection... not there yet
#36: May 25, 2022, 10:08:23 PM
Thanks for your posts and good wishes! MadLuve, Sunganddance and UrsaMajor! ❤️  Is really good to hear about you!!!
Of course I am going to keep posting! Is not that I can give an advise or something like that but maybe newbies can avoid to make the same mistakes I did and I keep doing sometimes 😬

I always read in this forum that we LBSs should focus in ourselves in order to use this journey as an opportunity to grow but it took me a long time to understand it and I was most of the time observing and analyzing H’s life like if doing that something would change!  How arrogant I was pretending other person life could  be in my hands!
The only life is in my hands is mine, and of course my daughter’s life, she depends on me….

I know is easy to say, don’t pay attention to the love of your life when he is with OW or forgetting what a wonderful life you had together, but once I understood it was when everything started to change “for me”

What it worked for me and still works, is
first find something that I’ll like a lot to have or would like to do
then make a list of steps to get it
and finally start working on it
And every time that my attention went back to H I took the list and kept working on that

I love to travel! i wanted to do it and for that I needed money so my list started with find another job or start my own business, and then the list keeps  going and suddenly my mind was working for me and my heart was content,
And the most important thing, I was giving to my daughter the chance to follow a pattern of reaching goals instead of being waiting for something that was not in my hands with a sad heart

So maybe that can be helpful to start the detachment that we need to be happy and in peace
I am still working on it 😄

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Reconnection... not there yet
#37: May 25, 2022, 10:30:50 PM
Hi Yo

So glad to hear your positive news. I think we are pretty much on the same timeline. My ex came back into our lives beginning January 2021. He wanted to get back with me but I wasn’t ready and don’t know if I’ll ever be able to move beyond the hurt.   Like your mlcer, mine is involved in our lives a lot more especially my daughters but he still doesn’t live in the same country.

I love how you mentioned you’re a role model for your daughter. I think I’ll start writing a list too! I just completed a degree but really would like to start my own business too!

So glad to hear your updates and it just reminds all of the left behind spouses that these mlcers can come back into our lives. It’s just whether we choose to have them.
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Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

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Reconnection... not there yet
#38: May 26, 2022, 02:49:07 PM
Yo, it’s so good to read your updates. And while you may not think you can give advice, just sharing your story provides such valuable insight. All of our stories have their differences and some of the differences are huge, but the fundamental ideas around focusing on yourself, being your best self, recognizing that the MLCer’s choices are his or her own to make and that their motivations are usually not clear to us (and often not even clear to them!)… those are all pretty consistently true. For an LBS, especially a new one or one whose situation has recently changed, just knowing that others are navigating similar journeys is such a comfort. Not that we would wish this journey on each other, but it’s helpful to know that others are on similar journeys of their own.
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Reconnection... not there yet
#39: May 31, 2022, 06:01:01 PM
So good to hear from you Yo and to get an update.  Looking forward to more updates in the future.   :)
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