[UrsaMajor]

I find myself wondering if I want H back and if so, can I live a life with him knowing what he has said and done during his mlc.  Will I really be able to put the past behind us?  Will I be able to truly forgive?  Right now I am not so sure.

First and foremost the person formerly known as "H" has left the building.... long ago.... Any future R will be with a different person who just happens to look like the person formerly known as "Spouse."

The real question is "In his current state, would you want him?" The answer is very likely


If and when he pulls hid head out of his ... fog... and does the work he needs to do, that answer might change, IF 1) you have not moved on, 2) you are STILL interested in him(#'s 1 & 2 are not necessarily linked), 3) HE is still interested in you, 4) you BOTH wish to pursue an R... There are a lot of "if's" here....

[Schratz66]

Sam, attaching to your new thread and still following you along. You have always been in such great spirits about everything and I always admired that and still do. Our time lines were pretty close and I cannot believe both if us are still here and are so much better than we were and I could not have gotten there without this forum and all the wonderful people.

Keep posting and I will keep hanging with you

[Sam I Am]

Hi UM....

Yes.....In addition to all of that.....I often wonder how I would feel.....IF.   And that is a big IF.

If he wants to start over....then will I be able.....

I wonder many things but this has been a big one for me lately.  Can I really put things behind me in the future and let it all go....IF!

[Sam I Am]

66 -  Hey Lady!  Always good to hear from you!   Hope you are well!

Yes still hanging in there.  For now.

Not doing it for him.  Doing it for me because I don't want another relationship at this time.  Part of me still loves him.  Part of me wonders why.  HaHa.

No matter.   I am doing what makes me happy and moving further and further from him.  Sadly I don't think he realizes it most of the time.

Stay in touch!   Always here for you!   Merry Christmas!

[Sam I Am]

Hi all!  For those that celebrate Christmas!  I hope and pray you made it a great one!  Only comes around once a year!

Christmas History with MLCer:

2017:  MIA  Came around for leftovers afterward.  He was late to his family gathering by about an hour.  They waited for him.  This was reported to me by D.

2018:  He came by.  Didn't stay long.  Places to go...people to see!  HaHa  He did get me a gift.  A portable jump box. 

2019:  Ditto 2018.  I think I got socks for Christmas that year.

2020:  Longer visit.  I got earrings and a membership to a PB organization.

2021:  He came and went to Christmas eve services with me and the family.  During the service, the GD got bored.  Gave her my phone to play on.  He started to pick on her.  I felt like I had to babysit both of them.   I didn't say a word but I saw child-like actions and responses from him.  He also got into a pissing contest with 5 yo GS.  They were both puffing their chests and vying for my attention.  H resorted to bully-like statements and I changed the subject vs playing "MOTHER" to him.  He should know better! 

On Christmas day, he came over early to help prep the turkey.  He accidentally broke my baking bag.  We fixed but he just wouldn't stop the I ruined it...I broke it...I didn't know any better.  Not problem-solving....it was all self admonishment by him.  It took a few moments pondering but we came up with a fix and the turkey baked just fine and dandy.

After visiting D and her family, he usually leaves.  This year, he stayed.  Mostly he sat in the recliner and played on his phone.  When he would get up, he would volunteer to help.

About an hour before people got there, he decided he didn't like the look of some peeling paint on the ceiling.  (We didn't realize we painted water-based paint over oil-based paint...result...the paint occasionally peels loose.)  Anyhow, he went and got a scraper and started to scrape the hall ceiling.  He cleaned up and put everything away and then said....he wanted to do it in the dining room too.  I looked at him and kindly asked him to not do it today.  Not when I am already set up for a meal.   He complied.

When people started coming and things got more rambunctious, I noticed he was more and more on his phone.  All games.  He didn't hide his phone when anyone walked by.  When it was time to eat...he was front and center to help get the bird out and carved.  I let him just take charge.  I appreciated the help!  We all sat at the table, but he went to the living room and ate.  He was visually in line with us, but he sat alone in another room to eat.  So odd...but hey....it is his MLC.

He stayed around for a few more hours and then said he had to go.  When he left....SIL asked him where he was going.  He hesitated but said he was going HOME (his sister's dining room).  Sister is making a meal for the 3 siblings and their parents.  Something she has not done since 2017.    Part of me wants to believe it and part of me thinks he was hunkered down with the OW.

Upon leaving, he gave me a hug.  I have not had a hug since early 2019.  I think Mother's day was the last and at that time it reminded me of 2 kids that were forced to hug.  It was cold and stiff.  This hug he initiated.  Wasn't long or special but wasn't cold and stiff either.  Friendly but yet I don't consider us friends.

Now I expect a huge quiet pull away from him.  This is his new norm.  Come around...then pulls away and is quiet with no contact for a time.   I just let him at it. 

[Kind18]

I like how you document all this, but don’t try too much to interpret or understand it.

Nothing will drive you madder than trying to interpret or understand how an MLC acts.

Better off just looking the other way 

[rosetintedglasses]

Great update Sam. It’s good to see the comparisons.

I wouldn’t worry about Sam, Kind. She has been at this a long time and knows what she’s doing. The journaling is who she is and she’s doing amazingly. Well - we all are actually aren’t we!

Glad you had a good time Sam, and wow a hug! Interesting to note!

Rose 🌹

[Music45]

Gosh Sam, your H and mine are so similar.

Both come nearer then push off again. Last Christmastime my H was round a lot and had Christmas dinner with us etc. Then he started going off again slowly until, by the end of July, I called him out on it and he's been distant ever since. No idea why. Nothing to do with anything I said or did differently.
Just like (I think it was you who said it) watching a science experiment...

You sound good. Keep smiling

[Sam I Am]

Kind.....

I like how you document all this, but don’t try too much to interpret or understand it.

Nothing will drive you madder than trying to interpret or understand how an MLC acts.

Better off just looking the other way 

Thank you for your insight.   I agree with you. 

Hence why I observe and see but i know all of it means NOTHING! 

It is nice though to look back and see not only that he is S L O W L Y progressing somehow but more importantly to see how I am progressing.

I no longer hang onto every word or contact.  I do a lot of head shaking and eye rolling.  I see see through his crap so with so much more clarity.

I likened it before to a snow globe.  Shake things up and he gets clear and fuzzy.  Not me!  I can see clearly now.....

Hope you are well!  Have a Happy New Year! 

[Sam I Am]

Hi Rose!  So nice to hear from you!

Thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words! 

How is everything in your world?  Kids doing well?   I'll jump over to your post soon and catch up!

Yes we are doing well!

I will be forever grateful for MLC in a way.   I appreciate the strength that I gained from this.  I would have preferred it another way....but I accept it and I am making the best for me now.  I can honestly say I am happy with the person I have become and I work to improve on me forever and a day!   

I never want to go back to who and what I was before!

Keep taking care of yourself Rose!  Happy New Year!