[LifeGoesOn]

My H still refers to me as wife, however he seems to have compartmentalized my role or "job" as wife separate from the relationship. He was a clinging boomeranger and for my own sanity, I had to push him away. He quickly learned I would discuss "job" stuff but no R talk.

In thinking about this topic, I wonder if their ability to use this defense mechanism, compartmentalization, as well as justification, determines how much distance they need.

My H (I believe) thinks that as long as he is not sleeping with me, he is maintaining his integrity. He can do what he wants b/c he doesn't live here with his family. He is still meeting his financial obligations to us so he is a good guy.

Other MLCers seem to need legal back up (LS or D) to feel ok about what they are doing.

I'll give this more thought...

[Trustandlove]

My H also sees himself as the good guy because he meets his financial obligations.  He did try to rush a D right at the beginning, but dropped that and hasn't mentioned it since -- for over 3 years now.  He has once or twice referred to me as his wife since he left, but basically has compartmentalised things totally. 

LGO, I, too, seem to have the "job" of wife -- definitely not the relationship; every now and again he talks some, but that is all.  I've asked him once or twice what he wants from me, he doesn't have an answer.  In a way that's good -- it does indicate confusion, i.e. MLC.... 

[HeartsBlessing]

In thinking about this topic, I wonder if their ability to use this defense mechanism, compartmentalization, as well as justification, determines how much distance they need.

Now that is very possible, LGO; it also depends on how much pain they are in, and how much of a failure they perceive themselves to be.

The crisis is very similar to a "starting over" and an ending must be had before a "new" beginning can be achieved.

That may also be why most MLC'ers don't recognize their LBS' as meaning anything to them; not even as their wives...or even their friend, girlfriend.

It's like a "void" exists for a period of time in regards to a longstanding relationship....now, we KNOW the MLC affair is a band aid for their pain; and it's not a "real" relationship; yet, those who get "stuck" and marry these types of people; are continuing in their own brand of "denial"..which extends beyond the actual stage they went through before.

Both people in these types of relationships are always trying to stay "young" and think that time has "stood still" for them...and they are surprised in the end, to find they are just as mortal as their counterparts who've resolved their crisis; and gone on to make/rebuild a much stronger marriage than they had before.

I sincerely believe they never completely get away from the crisis, even though they are stuck within its clutches....I also believe that once death is near for them; they go through a final crisis of a sort; but then it's too late to do anything about it...so they are tormented until they die.

I say that because of a man I once knew that had done many bad things in his life; and I believe now, he'd gotten stuck in the tunnel...I don't remember how old he was; I tended to him when I worked in the nursing home many years ago...but every couple of days, he would start ranting and raving; crying and cursing.  It was said that he'd molested one of his children, and had done some other things that were unthinkable; but I don't know that for sure..I just knew from talking to him that he'd done many bad things in his life...some things he said smacked of the tunnel; I remembered them as I was learning about the crisis before.

You'd ask him about his wife, and he would tell you he either had no wife, or he "got rid" of her sometime ago...I found out he gotten divorced years back...and now, thinking about it, I wonder.

Didn't mean to go off track, slightly; but it's been something I've been thinking about for some time. 

[mercury]

That was very intersting HB, my H father, had a full MLC. He divorced his wife, knocked up another and then married yet another.  My MIL died before he could make it up to her (if he would have???) She died about 4 or 5 years after BD. Anyways, he spend the remainder of his life married to this other women and hated it, they where not happy but stuck. In the end, he moved out and was trying to D her but he was cover under her medical and he was very ill, so he couldn't and he live up to the nursing home in his own apartment, he never went back to her. I think he got stuck because his wife died, he took too long, and he couldn't make amends, or he was just the type to get stuck but in the end of his life he crisis again. 

What sad about this story is it's mine, now. Both H father and mother where high school sweethearts like us, so we all married young. Now mines having a full blow MLC, and at present it not looking good for him to ever what to come home.  I am just waiting for him to knock up OW.  I often wonder if I already know the out come of this just look at his father foot steps.

I was young when my MIL when through this, I feel really bad because I didn't understand her hurt like I do now, plus I never though very much of his father, he was a gross nasty man that did mean things to my H, MIL, and some of his kids. I would never have married anyone like my fIL, boy did he have me fooled. I just grossed myself out. (sorry about speaking ill of the dead)